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Thread: Teenagers and locked doors

  1. #1

    Default Teenagers and locked doors

    Like the topic may imply, should teenagers be allowed to have doors that lock from the inside?
    No, I'm not some fourteen year old venting about life to strangers. I just had the fortune of having to listen to a teenager venting about life and how his parents suck...This is one of the few things I both like and hate about training a teenage boxer. Whenever conversation turns to teenage subjects, I either get nostalgia about hating my parents for no reason, or I feel just plain old when he asks what Voltron is. Well, just talked to him about an incident earlier this week, that drags in everything from the Zippo lighters to internet predators.
    The teenager in question recently moved his room into an unfinished, wall-less basement. He has it better down there than I do in an apartment. Couch, futon, coffee table, pool table, entertainment system he worked up himself, dorm-style fridge, he even has a tool box with a few LED Mini-Mags in it.
    Hey, you get trained by a flashaholic, you walk away with a few lights.
    Sometime earlier in the week, he goes downstairs to his room to change his clothes for the night. Yes, a teenage male that changes his clothes in private, I was just as shocked. He said he was halfway done dressing, when one of his parents, step-father, walks down the steps with a power drill. The kid jumps beind the couch and tries to cover up...the guy walks right through his 'room'(no walls, but through his furniture) and plkugs in the drill without even caring to notice the kid isn't dressed and is quite obviously disturbed. By this point in the story, I'm laughing my head off because I'm an insensitve jerk. Then, vhe tells me that his step-dad then casually stopped by the couch the kid is covering himself with...asks him a random, casual question about Zippo Lighters, and proceeds to walk up the steps as if nothing happened. All the while, poor kid is caught without a stitch. My reaction?
    The idiot didn't lock his door, making it okay to laugh at his misfortune. We were all in high school once, this is one heck of a bus-stop story.
    ...His parents don't let him have a lock on his door. Even when he was in a normal room of the house, he never had a lock. I thought he was exaggerating at first, but as it turns out, he's serious. He's a fifteen year old sophomore high school, top cadet last semester of JROTC, wants to pursue a career dealing with internet predators, no computer or intenet connection in the room...His folks never let him get a lock on his door. He's a normal kid, and this seems to be a pretty much normal family. He says things like this just happen, and this is so bizarre I'm not sure it's even legal, a day to think about it left me just a tad ticked at the idea of a MINOR being seen in this state casually.
    On the other hand...Some parents may agree on this, some teenagers just aren't ready to have a computer in a private room with a lock on the door, for the sake of their safety and character. Some of you who have dealt with victims of addiction may also agree, drastic measures have to be taken for their own good. Some may even feel the same way about locking doors and teenagers as this kid's parents.
    Personally...I think somewhere around the time of his award for citizenship, they could have at least got him a lock and said he earned it. This no lock in general policy makes me wonder what else goes on in that house.
    Am I being ignorant by saying that these parents are cracked...?
    Last edited by AlexSchira; 07-13-2006 at 09:16 PM.

  2. #2
    Thread Killer Illum's Avatar
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    Ooo Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Im a 19 year old who lives in a room happily with three walls of books, no TV and no internet access, I don't understand why teens would lock themselves up....its bad ventilation


    Then again...Im of Chinese immigration so I won't know what American teens do...

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    For me it is just a matter of respect. My son is 15 and when he was 10 or so he locked his door one night and I asked him not to lock it anymore he said ok but wanted to know why and I simply told him if there was a fire I didn't want to break his door down to get him he thought that was a good idea. When his door is closed I knock and wait for him to open it or untill he hollars come in. I respect him and "his" room and he respects my rules.
    Topper

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    Flashaholic* Jumpmaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    A friend of mine used to lock his door when he was in high school even after his parents asked him not to do so. And then his dad removed the door altogether.

    Problem solved.

    JM-99

  5. #5
    Flashaholic* NAW's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    My sister locks the door when she sleeps. Her dang alarm clock was sounding away and waking everybody up and she was still sleeping. The alarm clock was blowing away loudly for several minutes and she still slept through it. We were yelling for her to wake up and turn it off. We bang on the door and no luck. I ended up taking my surefire and going around the house and had to start shining from the outside. Needless to say the surefire did the trick.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Nope no need for locked doors.

    too many problems associated and no real NEED

  7. #7
    Flashaholic* LowWorm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    All the interior door locks I've ever run across are amazingly easy to pick (I think I knew every Christmas present I was getting from age 7 on).

    Even so, in an emergency, no one wants to be fumbling with a hairpin or whatnot. I figure when my kids get to be teenagers (operative word: get), whatever they need to do behind a locked door they can do in the bathroom.






  8. #8
    Flashaholic* chevrofreak's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Without a lock on my door I'd have been caught in some very embarassing situations by now....

  9. #9
    *Flashaholic* James S's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    you live with someone long enough and you're going to accidently walk in on them somewhere in an em-bare-ass-ing situation Step dad was probably as embarrassed as he was and just tried to act casual. Could have been worse...

    As to teenagers, yes, everybody deserves privacy. But thats privacy from accidents like that, and privacy to keep your sister out when she's bugging you or something. A passage lock they call them, they lock, but you can open them from the outside with a screwdriver or a coat hanger or something.

    Nobody gets to lock up their rooms with a key to keep family out. If I want to get into my kids rooms, there had better not be a padlock on the door or I'm going to get the sawzall and go through the wall. That being said, if my kids want their privacy I will respect it up and to the point where I suspect there is something I should know about. Then I get to be the Dad and your privacy will get stomped on.
    -James

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  10. #10

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    i believe teens should not lock their door, but parents should also knock... you dont wanna walk in on "something"...

  11. #11
    Flashaholic* NAW's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Quote Originally Posted by nemul
    you dont wanna walk in on "something"...
    Yeah, there will be no way to erase that from your mind

  12. #12

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    I can't help but to agree with most of these responses. I only suggested the lock because his parents aren't much for knocking, and because as his trainer I would recommend having a place to work out where your mom isn't going to run in looking for a mop. His folks don't seem to think of the basement as their son's room as much as...a basement with a teenager in it. I feel a place becomes 'personal' once you move your underwear drawer into it, as in the person needs the privacy to at the very least change their clothes. I've known this kid for years, he avoids public changing rooms like the plague and generally keeps himself covered 24/7. I'm guessing his own parents know this by now, and I can only pray they're not trying to 'put a stop to it' by letting these incidents reoccur.
    I'm biased because I know the kid so well, but agreed, locks aren't essential.

  13. #13
    *Flashaholic* greenLED's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexSchira
    ...I feel just plain old when he asks what Voltron is.
    ... There's something terribly wrong with that kid if he asks what Voltron is.

    None of us locked our doors at home; neither did we close them. My son is allowed to close his door, but not to lock it.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    I agree that an internet connection in private is bad for a child. Too much weird stuff on the internet to let them have unmonitored access.
    I do think that they should have a lock on their door. The kind that opens with a screw driver. That is obviously a "privacy lock" that the parents can open anytime they feel there is a reason. Just like we have locks on the bathroom. Somethings are private. Walking in on someone of the same gender while they are changing clothes isn't sexual harassment. It is rude. But a consistent pattern of "peeping" could be sexual in nature. Maybe that's why the boy changes in private as much as possible and is uncomfortable with his step-father?
    Another day, another disaster.

  15. #15
    *Flashaholic* bwaites's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    "Privacy" and modesty are two different things.

    Modest is what this kid is, (or what it sounds like). His parents SHOULD respect that modesty and knock!

    Privacy, on the other hand, should not, in my opinion, exist for a teenager.

    Teenagers make immature decisions, it's what kids do and what keeps them from being adults.

    When I was in Med School, we had a lecture by a nationally respected child Psychiatrist. He said, and I quote, (because I wrote it down it was so out of the norm for what most liberal child Psychs would say!)

    "Children have NO right to privacy as defined by law for adults, at least not from their parents. They have not reached a point where you can expect mature decisions, nor where they should be burdened with that expectation. A parent can, should, and does have the right to enter and inspect a bedroom, drawer, pocket, clothes, ANYTHING that the child possesses. Any parent who abdicates that responsibility is not being a parent, but an accomplice to any act that child then performs that is inappropriate. Remember, it has only been in the last 50 years that children have even had their own rooms, and that in itself is an aberration if you look at the rest of the world."

    This kid sounds like a good kid, and one who is appropriately modest. Having raised 4 teenagers, 2 sons, 2 daughters, ANY parent who doesn't allow them modesty is not doing their job either.

    It's simple, show them respect, the same respect you expect, and KNOCK!

    Bill
    Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become more corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters.
    Benjamin Franklin

  16. #16
    Flashaholic* Lunal_Tic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Never had a lock on my door in my parents house but always received a knock or a call out. Sometimes the warning and the door opening came very close together but I never really had to much trouble with it.

    Oddly enough, the place I live now has no means to lock the bedroom doors at all. The doors slide and are too thin for a lock.

    -LT
    lunal tic (n)
    a distinctive behavioral trait or quirk directly related to or caused by light [15th cent. Latin lunaris. Ultimately from an IE word meaning “light,”] and [Early 19th cent. Italian ticchio.] see also: moon quirk

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    I agree that a child doesn't have the right to privacy for possessions. Technically, anything a minor "owns" is owned by the parent. A parent should be aware what is in their child's room. I was refering to "privacy of body". Hence the bathroom reference. With privacy of the body, other issues come into play. I'm not even talking about checking for needle marks. There is a line and watching sexually mature "children" in the nude is pushing it.

    excerpt 2003 child abuse statisics:
    The largest percentage of perpetrators (79.7%) were parents. The category of parents includes birth parents, adoptive parents, and stepparents. Other relatives accounted for an additional 6.4 percent. Unmarried partners of parents accounted for 4.0 percent of perpetrators.

    During 2003, 60.9 percent of victims experienced neglect, 18.9 percent were physically abused, 9.9 percent were sexually abused, 4.9 percent were emotionally or psychologically maltreated, and 2.3 percent were medically neglected

    Another day, another disaster.

  18. #18
    Flashaholic* chesterqw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Last edited by chesterqw; 07-15-2006 at 03:36 AM.
    if killing was legal, i would have killed countless number of people...

  19. #19

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    chesterqw,

    I live in the town made famous by a young man who walked into a school room with a rifle and killed a teacher and two classmates, 10 years and 6 months ago. Thanks to a brave fellow teacher, he was stopped before others were killed. (The teacher was honored on National TV last week, some of you may have seen it.)

    A few facts:

    He had a TV and VCR in his room.
    He had a computer in his room.
    He had a lock on the door to his room.
    He had writings in his room talking about doing what he ended up doing.
    No one looked in his room until AFTER he killed 3 people and wounded another.

    So far as appropriate modesty and BODILY privacy, I would say HonorKnight has it right, and I would extend the line to even younger than sexually mature children. I didn't allow my kids to run around nude, even when they were toddlers, though I have friends who did and their kids seem pretty normal as well.

    When a child starts to feel modest, it's time for parents and siblings to make sure they have that opportunity.

    Bill
    Anything CAN be done, the impossible just takes a little longer!!

  20. #20
    Flashaholic* NAW's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    So then let me get this straight.

    Teenager + locked doors = chance to do something wrong.

    No offense but let them. I mean most of the murders, drug dealers,
    terrorists, etc are adults am I not mistaken?

    I think the kids should get a chance. Not just labeled immature without them having the chance to prove otherwise. There are many of kids out there and not all of them are bad. I think if you allow a teenager in a room with locked doors then put a bit of restrictions. No computer. Definetley no computer. A TV I think will be okay depending on the stations or channels. Maybe you can check the room out often just to make sure they are on track.

    Heck, but this is just my opinion
    Last edited by NAW; 07-14-2006 at 04:11 AM.

  21. #21
    Flashaholic* chesterqw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    lol... well... you see, stress comes from other factors too, you will never know what they are thinking of. you will never know how it affected them by doing something.

    and luckily, i have internet but i have no weapons

    i am 16 but no, don't have my own room. this computer is in my father's room

    i think those teenagers can be saved by flashaholism. by that, they will only on cpf and playing with flashlights. a country that allows guns sometimes can be dangerous...

    the is like, judgement day, where things Man created to make their lives better, kills them.
    if killing was legal, i would have killed countless number of people...

  22. #22
    Flashaholic* chevrofreak's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Quote Originally Posted by chesterqw
    a country that allows guns sometimes can be dangerous...

    the is like, judgement day, where things Man created to make their lives better, kills them.
    your thinking is fully expected considering your age, where you live and the typical social conditioning that happens in schools.....

    Guns have been around for literally 500+ years, and machine guns for over 100, but school shootings and the like are a recent development.

    Violence and violent behavior has nothing to do with mechanical objects, it is a product of the way a person is raised, the things they experience, and the social conditioning that happens at every school across the world.

  23. #23

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    I'm going to be working with the young fellow in the gym today, definitely have a few more questions about this.
    ...I'm no going to lie, this isn't the first idiosynchrosy I've heard about in that house. He has a good sense of humor, got it from me, probably. But some of these 'funny stories' he has...
    A good six months ago, his school has an early-release day, you go home early. He wasn't aware they even had those in high school, he comes home on the bus ready to explain things to his parents then catch a train down here for some extra gym time. The way he told the story, I knew where it was going. Coming home early...his parents car in the driveway...Once again, this is a case of 'privacy locks' being nice. But here's the kicker, that had me worried.
    He walked in on his parents. And another couple. Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like. He walked by their open doorway, saw it, and without a word or reaction walked out, left a note and went down on the train to work out and later told me when I asked him why he was so early.
    Now, these incidents by themselves are just a bit irking, nothing THAT deviant. But now that som of you have questioned if this is sexual, I knew I suddenly wasn't imagining things, and feel this is a real problem.
    ...Could this kid have a modesty complex, because his parents are the polar opposite to a sick extent? Sorry to change the subject so suddenly, but this has gone from coffee-talk to something case-specific.

  24. #24

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    .
    Last edited by Diesel_Bomber; 07-14-2006 at 05:44 PM. Reason: Decided I'd rather not participate in this discussion.
    Got Biodiesel?

  25. #25

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    .
    Last edited by Diesel_Bomber; 07-14-2006 at 05:45 PM.
    Got Biodiesel?

  26. #26
    Flashaholic Blazer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Quote Originally Posted by James S
    Nobody gets to lock up their rooms with a key to keep family out. If I want to get into my kids rooms, there had better not be a padlock on the door or I'm going to get the sawzall and go through the wall. That being said, if my kids want their privacy I will respect it up and to the point where I suspect there is something I should know about. Then I get to be the Dad and your privacy will get stomped on.
    Agreed. There needs to be a line between Dad and friend, unfortunately for the kids most of the time Dad wins. They'll understand when they have kids.

    I wouldn't even make the effort of the sawsall, makes more of an impression on a kid's mind when the door gets kicked in.
    If there is a 50% chance of rain you'll carry an umbrella. There is a 100% chance it will get dark tonight. - Author Unknown

  27. #27

    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    I'm starting to see where you're going with this. Him walking in on his parents in "group activity" is very, very, uncool.

    I'm not a prude, and I consider myself mostly a Libertarian. So the whole "consenting adults" thing carries a lot of weight with me. However, if that's "their thing" fine, but if they've got kids, it is their responsibility 110% to be sure it does not affect them.

    You're right to wonder if the boy's modesty complex is a reaction to his parents. Seeing stuff like that can screw up a kid either way, turning them into a neurotic prude as a defense mechanisim, or creating an "everybody does whatever all the time" attitude that could get him in trouble. Worst of all would be a sort of a contradictory combination of both...

    So even with a reasonable expectation the kid would be at school, having the "get together" at home was still insanely irresponsible. And while people do dumb and embarassing things all the time, it happens, but It can't be that great a hardship for them to have gotten a hotel, so the poor kid had absolutely zero chance of figuring out what his parents do for fun.

    And since you mention "other stories" it sounds as if there's other behavior too..

    In this context, the stepfather's actions are a bit more distrurbing. It could be innocent, hippie free-love stepdad thinking that if he hustled out of there it would shame or freak the poor boy more, or just misguided, trying to enforce a men's locker room attitude with the boy so he get's over shyness. (A bad idea, but still a pure motive).

    But in light of the irresponsible uh, er... group activity, there's now a thread of a chance that the stepfather standing around while the poor kid crouched naked behind the couch could be an attempt at "grooming" the boy for more. None of this rises to the level of reportability, and if you did, it'll go nowhere in the end, and the boy will lose you as a friend.

    I'd just keep the lines of communication open with the boy, and let him know he can tell you "anything" with confidence and confidentiality. Don't tell him that you'll get the authorities involved if he tells you something "bad enough" because he'll just hold out when he needs help the most. "Breaking the trust" when it's serious enough to warrand doing so is an adult decision for you alone.

    Last edited by AJ_Dual; 07-14-2006 at 01:51 PM.
    Life is an amazing thing... Without it, we'd all be dead.

  28. #28
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Never had my own room until my sister moved out when I was 26 so I can't comment on the teenagers and locked doors. I shared a room with my brother until then. I don't remember there being a lock, but the truth is that we had no TV in the room, PCs and the Internet didn't exist when we were teenagers, so I can't imagine a locked door being that big a problem. My sister had a lock on the door to her room, although I suspect it was mostly because she was too embarrassed to have people see the room in the messy state it was usually in. Needless to say, my parents never worried about us taking drugs or anything else as we all couldn't even stand the smell of cigarette smoke.

    I feel children and teenagers live up to the amount of trust given them by the parents. Those whose parents need to keep them on a short leash by monitoring them with cell phones, looking at their computer activities, searching their rooms, etc. will generally live up to the lack of trust by doing forbidden things at the first opportunity, often for no other reason than to rebel against their parents' excessive control.

    As a teenager I don't recall my parents monitoring my activities, asking when I would be home, or anything of that nature. I was allowed to ride the subways alone when I was 13 even on days when I didn't need to take them to school. Sometimes I stayed late after school with my friends. When I would walk in at 7 or 8 my parents simply asked if I had stayed late with my friends after school. I answered yes, and that was the end of the discussion. It also helped that I went to a specialized high school where my peers were of somewhat higher caliber than most typical high schoolers. I never dreamed of abusing the trust put in me. So long as I continued to get good grades I doubt my parents would have questioned anything I did. Frankly, I just didn't see the appeal of the "bad boy" thing anyway. Drugs just screw up your body. Things like porno and sex quickly get old.

    I do have a lock on my bedroom door now (the kind which needs a key to open, not a screwdriver), and I always lock it at least at night when I'm sleeping. My rationale is that it's one more door a burgler must break through in order to cause me bodily harm. My mom has a similar lock or her bedroom door, and I recommend for her to lock it at night for the same reasons. Other than that, I rarely find any reason for locked doors. If the bathroom door is closed, I assume someone is in there and knock, even if it isn't locked. On the modesty thing, I guess sharing a room with my brother and not having locked doors it simply doesn't exist for me. I'm loathe to admit that I usually do #1 without bothering to close the bathroom door (much to my mom's annoyance). Probably seeing my dad do the same just got me in the habit. Shame of the body is actually a fairly recent thing anyway. In the days of public baths there was no such thing.

  29. #29
    Flashaholic* KC2IXE's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    Quote Originally Posted by Topper
    For me it is just a matter of respect. My son is 15 and when he was 10 or so he locked his door one night and I asked him not to lock it anymore he said ok but wanted to know why and I simply told him if there was a fire I didn't want to break his door down to get him he thought that was a good idea. When his door is closed I knock and wait for him to open it or untill he hollars come in. I respect him and "his" room and he respects my rules.
    Topper
    Which is about the way MY parents ALWAYS handled it with me - I don't go in my kids room with permission. My daughter DOES have a lock on her door to keep her "Pesky younger brother" out, but my wife and I both have keys

  30. #30
    Flashaholic* magic79's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teenagers and locked doors

    As another poster put it, there is no need for a locked door. The house belongs to the parents and it's the parent's duty to ensure the child is not getting into trouble.

    Columbine killers Harris and Klebold had their firearms and bombs in their closets...their parents never bothered to check their rooms.

    I think parents have an obligation to know exactly what their kids have in their rooms. It would have prevented Columbine. It is the only way to interdict in time to save a teen from serious consequences with drugs and alcohol. Despite some experts' comments, it is not always possible to know your child is using drugs or alcohol from behavior alone.

    No, teens should not have locked doors.

    However, I do agree that the parents should respect his modesty. Perhaps you could advise him to politely ask his parent to recognize that his new room is "open" and he would appreciate the opportunity to finish dressing before they come through it.

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