# Thread: there are some Jokes

1. ## there are some Jokes

Joke: Gas price comparison

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the \$0.30, \$0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for \$1.29 = \$10.32 per gallon
2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for \$1.19 = \$9.52 per gallon
3. - Gatorade 20 oz for \$1.59 = \$10.17 per gallon
4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for \$1.25 = \$10.00 per gallon
5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for \$1.59 = \$6.32 per gallon
6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for \$1.49 = \$21.19 per gallon
7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for \$3.15 = \$33.60 per gallon
8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for \$8.35 = \$178.13 per gallon
9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for \$3.85 = \$123.20 per gallon
10. - Whiteout 7 oz for \$1.39 = \$254.17 per gallon
11. - Scope 1.5 oz for \$0.99 = \$84.84 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

2. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Quart of Milk 16 oz for \$1.59 = \$6.32 per gallon
around here, a gallon of milk costs \$2.19

on another note, if a gallon of gas lasted me as long as a bottle of whiteout, I'd pay the difference!

3. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by highorder
Quart of Milk 16 oz for \$1.59 = \$6.32 per gallon
around here, a gallon of milk costs \$2.19
Around here, there's 32 ounces in a quart!

4. ## Re: there are some Jokes

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

5. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Good one, PhotonWrangler ! ! !

6. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!
You drink 2 gallon of Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout everydays to go to work?

7. ## Re: there are some Jokes

I like No 6. \$21.19 per gallon of water. Unless I'm overseas I dont drink anything but tap water. I should count myself lucky I guess.

8. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by Concept
Unless I'm overseas I dont drink anything but tap water.
Dude, You are overseas.

DK

9. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by I'M DK
Dude, You are overseas.

DK

10. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
Joke: Gas price comparison

Gas Prices vs ?

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the \$0.30, \$0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for \$1.29 = \$10.32 per gallon
2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for \$1.19 = \$9.52 per gallon
3. - Gatorade 20 oz for \$1.59 = \$10.17 per gallon
4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for \$1.25 = \$10.00 per gallon
5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for \$1.59 = \$6.32 per gallon
6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for \$1.49 = \$21.19 per gallon
7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for \$3.15 = \$33.60 per gallon
8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for \$8.35 = \$178.13 per gallon
9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for \$3.85 = \$123.20 per gallon
10. - Whiteout 7 oz for \$1.39 = \$254.17 per gallon
11. - Scope 1.5 oz for \$0.99 = \$84.84 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!
Evian is \$6/Case of 24 - 20oz. bottles = \$1.60/Gallon

I can go through a gallon of gas in about 20 minutes, whereas a gallon of a few of these products is either a months or a year's supply.

11. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Scope Mouthwash Cool Peppermint 33.82oz. \$2.99
Scope kills bad breath germs. Scope kills millions of bad breath germs. Its cool tingle gets your breath clean and fresh. Use Scope for the ...
Walgreens.com

..now tell me where i can unload this stuff for \$.99 an ounce and a half??
..then I can gargle with Cristal..

12. ## Re: there are some Jokes

My late step dad was a CPA. He enjoyed pointing out the absurdities in some products;

Maybeline mascara; 9 grams for \$6.95 at walgreens. That's 350.27 dollars a pound.

Some of the more expensive ones are close to \$30 for 10 grams. 1360.77 a pound.

Super glue was another of his favorites. 2 grams for \$4.99.

Daniel

13. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Those are overpriced sizes most people don't buy and none of them are required for daily use by most people. Millions of employees in the USA need gasoline or diesel to maintain employment and have no other PRACTICAL choice at this time.

Just because it could be worse, as it is in Europe, is no reason it should be. Energy producers have been making record profits and were given a multi-billion dollar gift of OUR money by the last congress, pushed by the W and Cheney's "Energy Commission".

14. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Joke Jan 23th

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

15. ## Re: there are some Jokes

A burglar is robbing a home when he hears a small voice say, "Jesus sees you." Startled, he turns and looks around, but finding no one he decides it was his imagination and goes back to stuffing loot into his sack.

Once again he hears, "Jesus sees you." This time, he sees that it was a small parrot. Laughing, he says to the parrot, "Oh, I see. I guess you're Jesus."

"My name is Paco," the parrot replys. "Jesus is the rottweiler standing behind you."

16. ## Re: there are some Jokes

How about the price of Hoppe's #9?

Larry

17. ## Re: there are some Jokes

You need to get Shooters Choice.

18. ## Re: there are some Jokes

According to one estimate (Discover magazine, August, p.68), antimatter costs \$1,750 trillion per ounce.

19. ## Re: there are some Jokes

A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings. She goes to the door and says, "Who is it?"

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

"Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?"

20. ## Re: there are some Jokes

The following exercise appeared on the Scottish Bar Exam a few years back.
You would probably not find this in North America :->

SECTION A - SCOTS CRIMINAL LAW

Angus drops into the "Govan Arms", a trendy wine bar in Glasgow, with
three of his friends. The bar's speciality is an "E1 Dorado cocktail", a
lethal combination of fortified wine and vodka. Bruce, who has never
before been in a pub and is a strict teetotaller, is told by Angus that
the concoction is alcohol-free; Bruce agrees to try one. Calumn, who is
perfectly aware that the brew is potent, also accepts Angus's offer of a
drink. Angus and Donald beforehand have agreed to liven things up by
"spiking" the drinks of the other two. Angus asks the barman to add three
more double vodkas to each one pint glass of the cocktail, and then
himself throws in a couple of LSD tablets. Angus and Donald stick to Coca
Cola.

The order is repeated, and again, Angus adds vodka and LSD. Both Bruce and
Ca1umn feel "high". In the toilet, Bruce is accosted by Edgar who places
his hand on Bruce's thigh, and says "what about it?". Incensed, Bruce
lashes out. Edgar hits his head on the stone floor, and is killed
instantly. Donald, meanwhile, has gone into the back room with the
1andlord's daughter, a pretty young thing who claims to be 18 (but is
indeed only 14), and who explains her school uniform as an indication
merely that she is a slow learner. The two are engaged in sexual
intercourse when the barman, Fred, enters. Calumn steps in to defend
Donald. He challenges Fred to ?step outside? for a man-to-man fight. This
"square go" (in local parlance) results in Angus, Bruce and Donald
watching and encouraging while Ca1umn hits Fred repeatedly. Calumn is a
sportsman: once Fred is lying on the ground, he walks away. However, the
other three then join in by kicking Fred, while Angus produces his handy
6" sheath knife which he sticks in Fred's thigh.

Fortunately. Dr. Nesbit is on hand in the pub, sitting in his usual corner
surrounded by empty glasses. Dr. Nesbit already has had more than his
daily allowance of lager, but nonetheless proceeds to take charge of the
situation. His sight is not as good as it once was; his hand shakes; and
his memory of medical knowledge is rather rusty. Attempts at stopping the
flow of blood are unsuccessful, since force is being applied to the wrong
pressure points. After half an hour, Nesbit acknowledges defeat, and calls
for an ambulance. Fred dies en route to the hospital.

Consider whether any breaches of the criminal law have occurred. (30 points.)

21. ## Re: there are some Jokes

After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its Windows XP operating
system, "it just works", I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans
for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they
became obvious.

Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?
Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it?
Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding.
Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.
Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying!
Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using!
Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.
Windows 98: More usable! Less stable!
Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable!
Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable!
NT 1.0: Give me more hardware! NOW!!!
NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!! NOW!!!!
NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand?
NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest.
NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the
speed.
Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!
Windows XP: It just works.

22. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by goldenlight
Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.

23. ## Re: there are some Jokes

why did the turtle cross the road? to get to the shell station on the other side.

24. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by goldenlight
...

Consider whether any breaches of the criminal law have occurred. (30 points.)

This is set in scotland right? In that case, no, not a single law was broken

25. ## Re: there are some Jokes

A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the Bar tender here?

26. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Let me add a more flashaholic comparison:

Artic Alumina Epoxy \$7 x 5grams = \$1400/kg or \$635/lb

A little too much for an epoxy compound with Aluminum Oxide & Boron Nitride added

Pablo

27. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Joke Jan. 24th

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

28. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Joke Jan 25th

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

29. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Joke 26th

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

30. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Joke 27th

A man wanted to prove to a group of alcoholics the effect of alcohol in human body system. He brought two jars; one containing water and the other containing alcohol, along with a very healthy worm. He said to the audience:

"This jar contain water"

He dropped the worm in the jar and said, "Please watch the reaction". The worm swam to the side of the jar and up it floats dangling and swimming.

The man took the worm out of the first jar and put it in the second jar containing alcohol and said to the audience " now watch the reaction" The worm went right down into the water and struggled for survival. There and then every body saw the worm shrinking and dis-integrating, and in one word, died.

The man turned round an asked the audience " what would you all say to this".

After a long silence, someone from the rear stood up and said

" I can see that if I drink alcohol, there will be no more worn in my body".

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