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Thread: there are some Jokes

  1. #61

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
    Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

    Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

    God replied, "An arm and a leg."

    Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  2. #62

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    H E L P W A N T E D : I M M E D I A T E O P E N I N G

    Position Available Immediately:
    Apprentice Sith Lord,
    Dark Side Consulting Group.

    The Dark Side Consulting Group has a sudden opening for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would enjoy extensive galactic travel and possess an understanding and competence with the Force, or at least posses rudimentary Force skills and demonstrate a willingness to let their hatred flow through them.

    Responsibilities include:

    Performing competitive intelligence
    Hands-on involvement in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives
    Willingness to travel the galaxy widely
    Operation a variety of laser-powered hand weapons
    Piloting various high-powered space/air vehicles
    Slaying of enemies of the Dark Side

    Qualified applicants would possess excellent communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers) and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. 99% travel is required. A background in The Force (light side or dark) is desirable. Any advanced degrees or significant course work in the Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant would be a plus.

    Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license, and show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force (a new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement). Working knowledge of Windows 95/98/XP/2000® and Microsoft™ Office is also required.

    Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the Master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

    Interested applicants should submit their resume via The Force to The Emperor.

    -------

    Dark Side CG™ is a small highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term advantage of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and rapid on-site intervention capability. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.
    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  3. #63

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  4. #64
    Flashaholic C4LED's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Q: What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?


    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.





  5. #65
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I don't worry about terrorism. I've been married for 25 years.
    Resistance is futile...

  6. #66

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes march 16th

    Men Vs. Women Jokes
    A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
    The next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same: "You can have mine."

    Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance
    Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
    Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
    Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

    A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
    "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
    "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
    "Twenty-six," he said.



    It's all in the punctuation:
    An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
    The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
    The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing.

    weihua
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  7. #67
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
    Jokes march 16th

    Men Vs. Women Jokes
    A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
    The next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same: "You can have mine."
    Henny Youngman lives on!

  8. #68
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Slightly off topic, but keeping with the theme... (From a Robert Palmer song)

    "Little boy sat down and cried.
    Old man passing asked him why.
    'I can't do what they big boys do.'
    Old man sat down and he cried, too!"

    Or as a friend once said, "House, cars, women. Don't buy, just rent. Less worry about up-keep."
    "Show them a light, and they'll follow it anywhere..."

  9. #69

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes March 17th

    Doctors Jokes

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
    "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
    "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
    The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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  10. #70
    Retired Administrator Norm's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Australian Ettiquette!



    IN GENERAL

    1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
    take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

    DINING OUT

    1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
    slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
    a taxidermist.
    2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
    manners.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
    private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
    2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
    3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the
    taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention
    away from your jewellery.

    DATING

    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first
    date.
    2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
    to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door
    two years ago."
    3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
    will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
    answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATRE ETIQUETTE

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
    the movie ends.
    2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests
    have proven they can't hear you.

    WEDDINGS

    1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in
    your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out
    of place)
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
    cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns
    loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
    2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar
    doesn't always have the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
    impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

  11. #71
    Flashaholic* Nereus's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    What is the difference between Swiss, American and Finnish jealousy?

    A swiss notices that the neighbour has bought a brand new Ferrari. Feeling sincerely happy for the neighbour he visits him and congratulates him for buying such a great car, asks many enthusiastic questions about the car and finally they agree about a test-drive.

    That's swiss jealousy.

    When american notices that the neighbour has bought a new Ferrari the same thing happens: american congratulates sincerely about buying so great car and is curious about it. After agreeing about test-drive, american goes home, quits his job, searches quickly a better-paid job and works like crazy for three years and buys exactly the same kind of ferrari. Then he goes to the neighbour and tells him proudly that he followed his example when buying a car. Then american asks if they should establish a local ferrari-club and enjoy the car hobby together.

    That's american jealousy.

    When a finn notices that the neighbour has bought a new Ferrari he goes completely mad. Lurking behind the curtains he watches the ferrari and calls a local police office that the neighbour must be a criminal - otherwise he could not have been able to afford it. In the middle of the night finn goes out, punches the tyres of the ferrari and scratches the sides of the ferrari with a following text "owned by a super greedy capitalist". Next morning the finn drives to the grocery store with a 20-year-old Lada Samara.

    That's finnish jealousy.

    Being a finn I sometimes wish that the text above was only a joke... but it is not. We also say in finland that "If you have success in your life, hide it very carefully."

    - N
    My mods. Please post questions about my mods to the corresponding thread: like that all CPFers can get the info - thanks!

  12. #72

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Image removed as unsuitable for a family forum - Empath

    Hope you have the right chinese symbols......
    Last edited by Empath; 04-09-2007 at 09:57 AM. Reason: Removed unsuitable image
    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  13. #73
    Flashaholic* luxlunatic's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Two blondes walking down oppisite sides of a street. One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side of the street?". The other replies, "Duh! You are on the other side of the street!".
    What are you people......on DOPE!?!

  14. #74

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Image removed. This image has been uploaded on occasion here, and always gets removed. It's an example of why threads devoted to "jokes" on CPF so often end up failing. - Empath
    Last edited by Empath; 04-17-2007 at 10:10 AM.
    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  15. #75

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes April 21th

    Animal Jokes

    Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
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  16. #76

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes April 27th

    TGIF vs SHIT
    a man met a blond in the elevator.
    he greeted her: "T-G-I-F"
    but got the reply: "S-H-I-T"
    he was startled, but repeated "T-G-I-F"
    again the reply was "S-H-I-T"
    he was frustrated and said: "T-G-I-F, I mean Thanks God It's Friday"
    the blond looked at him saying: "S-H-I-T, I mean Sorry Honey It's Thursday"
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  17. #77

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  18. #78

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes April 28th

    At a bar, one patron to another: “Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink.”
    Why?
    “You’re so ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you”
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  19. #79

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes May 7th

    wrong call
    one day I got a phone call without knowing the number.that was a lady.
    she:"husband,when will you get home?I have made dinner ready."
    me:"what?I think you call the wrong number.I don't know you,lady."
    she:"oh."the phone call is hung up!
    after a while,another phone cames from the same number.
    she:"who are you?why you get my husband's phone?"
    me:"my god!I think you make mistake on number.what number do you want?"
    she:"xxxxxxx67"
    me:"oh,here it is.your husband's number is xxxxxxx67,and mine is xxxxxxx76"
    this ridiculous call is over?
    ten minutes later,the call bother me the third times.
    she:"My husband will be on overtime,thanks for your kindness.Can you chat with me for a while,because you are so nice"
    I faint!
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  20. #80

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes May 8th

    Run over the rooster

    A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

    Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

    "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."


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  21. #81
    Super Moderator
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    That better not be Atomic Chicken the guy hit with his car. That ol' Bird is in the middle of some important work right now.
    Resistance is futile...

  22. #82
    Flashaholic jds009's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    haha
    Jon
    keep your friends close & your enemies closer

    ><>

  23. #83
    Flashaholic Carabidae's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

    IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share.

    IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

    IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

    IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called managers.

  24. #84
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Didja hear about the guy who violated Ohm's Law?

    He was thrown in a dry cell and charged with battery.

  25. #85

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Jokes May 9th

    *Men vs Women*

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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  26. #86
    Flashaholic* Essexman's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A fish hits it's head on a wall,
    "DAM" he says

  27. #87
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
    Joke Feb. 10th

    Joke about Little Johnny

    ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
    Quote Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
    Joke March 1st

    Little John

    ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
    I feel a ittle short changed.
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
    Ian.
    LED Driver List - now database driven and with new search features.

  28. #88

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Good Deed for the Day

    A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

    For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

    Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

    Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

    Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

    The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

    I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

    "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

    "Oh, a few minutes ago", replied the man.
    Greetings from Tenerife, Canary Islands

    Michael

  29. #89

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    *Men vs Women*

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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  30. #90
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
    Jokes May 9th

    *Men vs Women*

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    And around 2007/5/16...
    Quote Originally Posted by qcgoods2006
    *Men vs Women*

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    I feel a little short changed. Again.
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
    Ian.
    LED Driver List - now database driven and with new search features.

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