# Thread: there are some Jokes

1. ## Re: there are some Jokes

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.
DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!

FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8

2) Multiply by 3 then

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get
the calculator.....)

5 ) You'll get a 2 digit number.....

6 ) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down

.................

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list
below:

1. Einstein

2. Lincoln

3. George Washington

4. Ronald Reagan

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Mother Teresa

8. JFK

9. qip

10. Barack Obama

I know... ..I just have that effect on people.....one day
you, too, can be like me.....Believe it!

also Stop picking different numbers!!

I AM YOUR HERO, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!

..p.s got this in an email thought it was cute

2. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Seen that one before but it STILL made me chuckle!

3. ## Re: there are some Jokes

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn
from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

4. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Grandpa receives a letter in the mail stating he is being audited by the I.R.S.. He has an appointment to see an auditor the next day. He shows up with his lawyer.

The I.R.S. auditor says, "Sir, I'm not surprised that you showed up with an attorney. Let's see here. You are retired. You have no steady income, yet you live an extravagant lifestyle which you claim to pay for with your winnings from gambling. Sir, I'm not sure the I.R.S. finds that believable."

Grandpa responds, "I'm a great gambler, and I'll prove it." I'll bet you \$1,000 I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks that is impossible and takes the bet as a way to win the case. He says, "You're on."

Grandpa takes out his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now I'll bet you \$2,000 I can bite my other eye."

The I.R.S. auditor thinks about it for a minute. After realizing Grandpa isn't blind and can't have another glass eye, he takes the bet. Grandpa takes out his dentures and bites his good eye. The I.R.S. auditor gets really nervous as he's losing his case and is out \$3,000.

Grandpa says, "Let's make this interesting. Want to go double or nothing? I'll bet you \$6,000 I can pee from one side of your desk to the other, the long way, getting all the liquid in the trash can on the other side, without a drop landing anywhere in between."

The I.R.S. auditor takes a look at the distance and thinks Grandpa has no chance of making it. He takes the bet. Grandpa aims and shoots, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't quite get the stream to reach the trash can, so he pretty much pees all over the auditor's desk. The I.R.S. auditor jumps for joy after realizing he turned a major loss into a great victory. Grandpa's lawyer drops his head and puts his head in his hands.

The I.R.S. auditor asks the lawyer "What's wrong."

The Lawyer says, "This morning Grandpa bet me \$25,000 he could pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."

Good one!

6. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered
a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes..
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man
and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John Dough,
Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

7. ## Re: there are some Jokes

to PhotonWrangler --

Priceless ! ! !

_

8. ## Re: there are some Jokes

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old
rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in
that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his
rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to
the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers
given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the
DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull . . . . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The
officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

9. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Lmao, I'm laughing at all these, wish I had one to contribute back.

10. ## Re: there are some Jokes

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

11. ## Re: there are some Jokes

inappropriate joke removed... Sorry Empath...

12. ## Re: there are some Jokes

this appeared originally, (and dare I say more funnyly?) by moi in the underground as "The Italian Tomato Garden" -- but -- uh oh -- what appears there is supposed to stay there, so I guess we're all in hot water one way or another..

13. ## Re: there are some Jokes

You can quote it if you wish, since it was your post, but we don't post links to the Underground postings.

We take the Vegas rule seriously.

14. ## Re: there are some Jokes

I apologize Empath. I did not realize this had been posted in the Underground, and was better suited there... I'll remove it immediately....

15. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Oh, bother! (credited to Winnie The Pooh)

Now we don't have either rendition.

I didn't see anything in it that made it undesirable for here.

16. ## Re: there are some Jokes

..you got 'em where you want 'em Emp, cringing in paranoid fear!
for gosh sakes John, it's just a JOKE--

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

_

18. ## Re: there are some Jokes

*Gun Powder"

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life he should
sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each
morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the
age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
15 great grandchildren, and...

... a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

19. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Q: Is it true that an alligator won't bite a man carrying a flashlight?

A: Depends on how fast he's carrying it.

20. ## Re: there are some Jokes

LOL got this in email and had to post...

There was a young lady named "Bright"
Who could travel quite faster than light
She set out, one day, in a relative way
And came back the previous night.

21. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by PhotonWrangler
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.
Oh man !! Too true !!

22. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by PhotonWrangler
*Gun Powder"

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life he should
sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each
morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the
age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren,
15 great grandchildren, and...

... a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!!

23. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Some flashlight humor in today's Dilbert...

24. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by highorder
Quart of Milk 16 oz for \$1.59 = \$6.32 per gallon
around here, a gallon of milk costs \$2.19
Around here, there's 32 ounces in a quart!

25. ## Re: there are some Jokes

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

26. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Good one, PhotonWrangler ! ! !

27. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by Nereus
When a finn notices that the neighbour has bought a new Ferrari he goes completely mad. Lurking behind the curtains he watches the ferrari and calls a local police office that the neighbour must be a criminal - otherwise he could not have been able to afford it. In the middle of the night finn goes out, punches the tyres of the ferrari and scratches the sides of the ferrari with a following text "owned by a super greedy capitalist". Next morning the finn drives to the grocery store with a 20-year-old Lada Samara.

That's finnish jealousy.

Being a finn I sometimes wish that the text above was only a joke... but it is not. We also say in finland that "If you have success in your life, hide it very carefully."

- N
Works the same in Sweden

28. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Originally Posted by goldenlight
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
enjoy... Even these silly little cute..... And clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I liked it

29. ## Re: there are some Jokes

Heard on NPR's Science Friday today -

The centipede replied "Naw, you've got too many members."

Why did the mushroom marry the moss?
He took a lichen to her.

30. ## Re: there are some Jokes

I had to look up lichen

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