there are some Jokes

[BarryG]

God created the mule, and told him , "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk til dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years. The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please give me no more than 20". And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwelling of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is to much. Please, no more than 10 years."

God then created the monkey and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny and you shall live 20 years." The monkey responded, "God, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please give me no more than 10 years..." and it was so.

Finally God created man and told him, "You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be a man for only 20 years is too little. Please give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused and the 10 years rejected by the monkey."

And so God made man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...


<Author unknown>

[BarryG]

How to bathe your cat...

1. Thoroughly clean your toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe your cat as you carry it to the bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place your cat in the toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so the cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. Ignore the ruckus from inside the toilet. The cat is enjoying this.

6. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides the power rinse, which is quite effective. The cat is too big to go anywhere.

7. Have someone open the outside door, stand as far from the toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when he gets hungry.


Sincerely, The Dog

[Mathiashogevold]

Do you really do that? hahahahahaaha!

Well, i take a shower with my cat. She does actually like it.

[Empath]

A couple of threads, created for posting a single joke, have been moved to this thread.

Please reconsider the need for a dedicated thread to simply post a joke.

Those that haven't done so, may review the suggestions of this posting.

[Russ Prechtl]

Well,� said the woman, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.�

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO True!!!!!!!!!!

[Badbeams3]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 Mod to harangue the OP for no real reason
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
3 pedants to argue about what factory the best one comes from
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
2 greens to argue about the carbon footprint and how it should be a longlife one
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
1 Mod to edit a link or two
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
1 spammer to inject some Nike bulb linkspam
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
1 crazy trying to jack their postcount to 10,000
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
1 Admin to comment on site policy re. lamp posts
1 to talk about his YouTube lamp vid
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 GrimGroan and 1 BogJam to try and outdo each other with the coarsest vid on bulbs possible without getting an infraction, cunningly hiding the worst linkspam and vulgarities right at the end of the vid where only Special Forces dudes are tuff enuff to get to and even so 3 of them died getting there
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
2 Mods to argue all over again about if the post needs editing, moving or deleting
1 Mod to screw up and infract a post 10 months old
1 to take the whole debate across to another forum to do it properly over there

1 Mod to harangue the OP for no real reason
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
2 Mods to argue all over again about if the post needs editing, moving or deleting

Consider yourself harangued for not posting in the joke thread.
I'm sure this joke started the rounds of the net much longer than six months ago.
I managed to move your post to the correct thread all by myself.
Norm

[ICUDoc]

The barman looks up and says "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here". A neutrino walks into a bar.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK, so I just about fell off my chair hearing this one.
Best joke since the Heisenberg / Shrodinger arrest gag

[nbp]

Two atoms are walking along and the one turns to the other:

"I think I've lost an electron!"

"Really?! Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

[ICUDoc]

Thanks, nbp.
The other CPFers better get themselves a chemistry joke before all the good ones Argon.

[nbp]

Thanks, nbp.
The other CPFers better get themselves a chemistry joke before all the good ones Argon.

It would seem that if the other members are not phosphorus, they are against us.

[ICUDoc]

Mate, if they're not part of the solution, they're part of the precipitate...

[DM51]

Neon should be allowed to get away with such terrible puns.

[nbp]

Neon should be allowed to get away with such terrible puns.

If they're so bad, maybe we should just Barium.

[DM51]

Don't be a Silicon. No need to Boron and on about it. It's Zinc or swim in this game, you know.

[Jay R]

The barman looks up and says "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here". A neutrino walks into a bar.

It's depressing. I laughed at that then looked around my office to tell it to someone. Then I realised I was the only person on this floor who would get it.

[Burgess]

" Come and Get me, Copper ! ", giggled the Silicon.

Then, he bumped his Neon the table.

[PhotonWrangler]

" Come and Get me, Copper ! ", giggled the Silicon.

Then, he bumped his Neon the table.

[ICUDoc]

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were pulled over by a policeman.
"Do you you know how fast you were going?", the copper asked Heisenberg indignantly.
"Not precisely" said Heisenberg "but I know exactly where I am!"
The officer asked to examine the contents of the trunk.
"Hey" he yelled out from behind the car "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here????"
"D'OH!" cried Schrodinger, slapping his palm to his forehead "I DO NOW!!!!!"

[JacobJones]

" Come and Get me, Copper ! ", giggled the Silicon.

Then, he bumped his Neon the table.

Stop being silicon. Guards, caesium and escort him back to his cell.

[nbp]

Has anyone gone to see the NeuTron movie? That Olivia Wilde looks great in latex.

It's a good thing I'm not charging for these jokes. I don't think I could Selenium.

[Burgess]

Hey !

Wire you Insulate ? ? ?

Don't you know when to be Ohm ?

[PhotonWrangler]

This discussion is reVOLTing. You should all be thrown in a dry cell.

[InHisName]

This struck me hilarious !

battery joke

another joy of child hood.

[bshanahan14rulz]

I remember when Red and Rover came out. *almost* filled the void in my heart left from when Calvin and Hobbes went on their last adventure into the wilderness of the mind in their red wagon.

[Launch Mini]

Good one

[jellydonut]

Flashlight comic



Anyone inspired?

[PhotonWrangler]

Two peanuts walking down the street. One was a'salted.

[guiri]

[Burgess]

boy: My dog doesn't have a NOSE !


girl: How does it SMELL ? ? ?


boy: AWFUL ! ! !

[RBR]

A couple is amusing themselves very friendly when the man abruptly stops and pauses in his position for a minute.

Lady asks if everything would be O.K.

Man says : I´m just practising the latest technique, i´ve seen it in the internet, it´s called "buffering".

Cheers

RBR