I need help helping an overweight friend, please

Pydpiper

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My best friend is in trouble, he is gaining weight fast and it is taking it's toll on his family and career, I need to help him and don't know where to start.
I am a skinny bugger, when I stand beside him we look like the number "10", he and his wife are coming out tonight for a bit and I want to confront him (not necessarily tonight) about this and see if I can be of any help.
My wife just got off the phone with his, she requested we keep snacks out of the way and refrain from any heavy drinking, which happens to be something we do every now and then, responsibly. She (his wife) has mentioned a few events that have happened in the past few weeks as a result of this weight problem and it sounds very serious. He is a vice president of a company, and very well to do, his partner has confided in a few of us that there have been side effects to the weight problem, like falling asleep at inappropriate times and a few other things that have me concerned.
I need to confront him but at the same time I do not want to irritate him, he just rounded the 400LB mark and needs intervention and I am the closest thing he has to help besides his wife and kids.
I could really use some guidance as to how I can approach this, I am willing to sacrifice our friendship for his health and family at this point.
Thanks.
 

flashfan

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Sorry, I have neither knowledge nor expertise, but just how fast is he gaining weight? From your post, it sounds like a more recent problem, and if you and/or his family can't pinpoint a cause, to me the logical first step would be a visit to his physician. Perhaps there is an underlying medical condition.
 

LukeA

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Based in what I know about his situation, which is basically nothing, Ill say it probably has something to do with depression.
 

bouncer

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It could be depression leading to weight gain or weight gain leading to depression or thyroid problems or any number of things best advice is to get your friend to get a checkup first then once medical conditions are ruled out look into gettting your friend on a diet plan he can live with I personally recommend doing a search for books by DR. Eades I've follow their plan and definitely lost weight but to keep weight off requires a change of lifestyle go back to old habits gain weight back I need to get back on the wagon myself I'm up over 300
 

geepondy

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Boy that's a tough call. I try to refrain (not always successfully) to give people obvious advice unless they ask for it. It's like telling my co-worker how bad smoking is for her. She knows it and doesn't need to hear it from me. Now if she decided to quit then I would try to be as supportive as I could. In the case of your friend if it affects his work performance or family life then affected co-workers and family such as the wife I think have the right to intervene but is it better that you as a friend, try to be such and just try to be supportive in whatever he does or doesn't do so he'll feel comfortable around you? Now if he came to you and said boy I need to lose some weight, do you have any suggestions, then that might be a cue to jump in and off help such as eating healthy around him and offering to exercise with him, etc., but meanwhile I don't know if I would say anything about it. Just one way of thinking about it.
 

PhotonWrangler

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Pydpiper, I agree with the advice already given here; he needs to see a physician for a complete workup to rule out any metabolic disorders.

In the interim, a couple of simple rules:

1) Don't eat after 8pm.
2) Hearty breakfast, moderate lunch, light dinner.
3) Keep moving! Use stairs instead of the elevator. Walk as much as possible.

Good luck. I hope you can help him find the path back to recovery.
 

Oddjob

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The key is finding out what is driving his eating habits which is very difficult. Depression is definitley a possibility and the person will never be able to get healthy until he realizes why he is over eating.

Having said that however, one approach you can try is addressing the falling asleep at work he is experinencing. It is likely cause by Obstructive Sleep Apnea. It happens when a person's airway is blocked while they sleep and the person actually stops breathing for upwards of 15 to 20 seconds. The effects are the person does not get restful sleep and remains fatigued during the day. The constant fatigue can lead to his overeating to maintain his energy levels. Long term affects are serious. It can certainly lead to premature cardiac issues and combined with other health issues associated with obesity such as diabetes, the person's life expectancy can be profoundly affected.

If you suggest that your friend be investigated for sleep apnea (which is typically prevalent in obese people) it is possible that he may come to realize the seriousness of his condition. I am speaking from experience as I have obstructive sleep apnea. My co-workers noticed that I was always falling asleep at work and they suggested that I get tested. Sure enough after my sleep study I discovered that in one night I would stop breathing over 400 times (yes 400). In the process of getting diagnosed I came to realize the seriousness of being overweight.

It is really a difficult situation and the fact that you care enough to try and find away to help him is admirable. Keep at it because it is a fact that anyone approaching 400 lbs is going to develop serious health issues if they haven't already. Good luck.
 

Monocrom

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....I am willing to sacrifice our friendship for his health and family at this point.

That's good.... cause from a realistic stand-point; that's likely to happen.

I hope you understand, I'm not trying to be mean or cruel. I'm saying that with a straight face. And I can tell you this right now, you've got the wrong attitude about the situation. You keep using the word "confront." You cannot think that way, and hope to prevail. Speaking as someone with a weight problem, I know how I'd react if my best friend confronted me about my stomach. (Granted, my situation isn't as bad as what you describe. And for a reason I refuse to make public, I'm losing weight without even diet & exercise. No, not a magical weight-loss pill. Let's just say, not nearly as great as it sounds).

An intervention needs to be done by a Pro. Done by a friend, it's likely to blow up in your face. Especially with the issue of food. Here's the thing.... other addictions can be gotten rid of, Cold Turkey. Yes, the person will experience horrible withdrawl pains; but once those are over, there's no need for an alcoholic to touch liquor. There's no need for a drug-addict to touch the stuff, after detoxing. And as we know, there's no need for an overweight person to ever touch food again.... Oh wait, there's a problem there; as far as "need" is concerned. Add to that the fact that being overweight is often not considered by Society to be as bad as being an alcoholic or drug-addict. Your biggest problem will be to convince him he even has a problem.

Also, has his wife talked to him? She really should be the one handling this. Yes, you are his best friend. And what you want to do is indeed noble.... But this is the sort of "confrontation" that is best handled by a spouse.... behind closed doors. That way, your friend won't feel angry or humiliated in front of others he is close to. Seriously, a group confrontation is a bad idea! A confrontation initiated by his best friend is also a very bad idea.

You need to play a more limited role. Look for a convenient moment, pull your friend aside, and talk to him about things you've heard. Like how he falls asleep at work, when he didn't use to do that. Ask him if everything is okay. If he's in denial, be open and honest with him about his weight gain and your concerns. And make sure the conversation takes place in private! No one else standing around who might overhear. Pulling him aside near the Bar of the restaurant you guys are headed to; that's a perfect example of where not to talk to him.

And yes, be prepared for him to get angry and defensive.
 
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Pydpiper

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Thank you for the insight guys, I do appreciate it.
I have known this man for 15 years, and I have never seen him angry or defencive and I don't suspect I ever will, not really the kind of guy he is.
As far as letting his wife handle it, well last night in her call to my wife I gathered she was at her wits end, she too is losing her will to keep helping him, they have two active teenage boys that are the lifeblood of their house, as they should be and I fell that they are what is keeping her around. This isn't the beginning of a problem it sounds to me like it is approaching the end of many things that stem from this problem, I wish I had intervened sooner.
He has always been bigger than an average guy but now it is out of hand.
The "Obstructive Sleep Apnea" is present, hit that nail on the head. So I guess what I will do is persuade him to go to a doctor if he hasn't already and support him in what he decides. Yesterday he mentioned to me that he wanted to lose some weight for health reasons and looking back I think he may have been opening the door for help, it didn't ring in until his wife's call yesterday. My wife and I are growing more concerned by the minute. I just hope I have the capacity to help right now.
 

jay_imok

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if he's a VP, the weight gain could also be from stress - which is probably the precursor of the "depression" everyone is suggesting. but at 400#, the problem sounds like it started 200# ago... and now it's a runaway train.

as hard as it is to watch a friend suffer, he needs medical help to deal with this - both physically & psychologically.

just being supportive 'there to listen' is all any friend can do.

good luck!
 

Monocrom

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No offense intended, but if his wife is to the point of staying just for the sake of the children; there is likely more to it than just his weight gain.
 

dudemar

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I know it sounds really simple, but walking helps me a lot. Two months ago I started walking 3.5 miles a day, four days a week; and physically and psychologically I feel great. I have lost some weight (2 pounds), but more importantly I have gained a lot of muscle mass and lowered my blood pressure. I mostly walk at night (12 AM), so there are many times where I didn't want to go because it was pretty scary walking by myself. I also walk after I get off of work, so there are many times where I'd push myself and do it anyway.

Nonetheless I marched on and I've walked over 130 miles so far. Before I started I might have walked 1, maybe 2 miles a month. I now walk 65 miles a month (or 2 miles a day on average) and it's a huge accomplishment of which I'm proud of. Though many shrug it off and think "oh he walked, it must be easy", I don't get discouraged and march on to this day. In the end I'm happier, healthier and stronger. I will never give up.

I don't know if this will help your friend, but it certainly worked for me.

Dudemar
 

Diesel_Bomber

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No offense intended, but if his wife is to the point of staying just for the sake of the children; there is likely more to it than just his weight gain.

I'd say the "more to it" is the actual problem, and the weight gain is just a symptom of this.

Mr. Piper -

Regardless of the outcome, I salute you for caring for and supporting your friend. Good luck to both of you, and your friend's wife and kids too.

:buddies:
 

geepondy

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I agree with Diesel Bomber. People have expressed their opinions much more concisely then I seem to be able to do but I really hope positive steps will be taken and you are a good guy for being concerned about your friend. If this thread dies down, keep us posted about the progress.
 

Bloodnut

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My .02 is to try and make sure he understands that you are discussing this with him out of concern and not just to be critical. A soft approach is needed. He knows he is overweight so pointing that out will not be all that productive. Also, he's probably a smart guy who knows the formula for losing weight be it walking (good idea), dieting, or surgery. But knowing something and doing something are two different things. Perhaps you can offer to walk this path with him to help motivate and assist him.

Also, if he is a Christian (even if he's not) it sounds as though he may benefit from working with a Stephen Minister. These are lay people who are fairly highly trained who will listen without judging and who will maintain the strictest confidentiality. I have been a Stephen Minister and people have told me things that they would never tell a friend. I will take those conversations to my grave.

Good luck and keep us posted.
 

Pydpiper

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We had Sunday booked off for a day of hunting, I figured I would use the solitude of the bush to speak to him, he cancelled at the last minute with kid related issues.
Anger, resentment or pressure is not something I am concerned with, this is not an associate or a guy I see every now and then, he is a friend and he knows that. When I do speak he will listen and know I have his best interest at heart.
His family is accustomed to him being a free spirited energetic guy, the last little while he falls asleep at inopportune times and is less apt to go out and do something that requires physical energy. The pressure his wife is feeling is the change as he goes through this, there is no other underlying circumstances that are being withheld, I would know.

Thanks for the help and the different perspectives, I am getting closer.
 

z96Cobra

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The "Atkins Diet" or any low carb diet will work if it isn't something more serious (thyroid probs., etc.). And no, the low carb diets aren't about eating a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon or tons of steak. I do my own version of "Atkins" and I eat mostly chicken and fish (tuna mostly). I eat lots of vegetables (green leafy vegetables work best) with my meals. I also exercise by walking and/or riding my bike, and I've just bought a home gym to try to gain some muscle. If I get sick of drinking water and need something with some flavor I will drink a diet Coke or similar (diet drinks are just as bad as "regular", but sometimes you gotta have something different). After doing this "diet" for a few days, you even lose the cravings for chips and candy bars. If I do want a dessert, its usually sugar-free Jello and some Redi-Whip. Doing this diet for 3 months has dropped my weight just over 50 lbs., and I could exercise more/harder and lose it quicker. The exercise (walking only 1 mile a day for me) is what really makes it work good. My BP has dropped a little, but my resting heart rate is down into the high 50's to low 60's, just a little higher than it was when I played soccer years ago. It was in the low 80's just a few months ago.

Roger
 

Monocrom

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The "Atkins Diet".... .... The exercise (walking only 1 mile a day for me) is what really makes it work good....

Roger

That's probably why the diet works so well.

The inventor of that diet plan died.... weighing nearly as much as a whale!
 

Max

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I'm a bit late on this thread here, but even before I read Oddjob's post, the bells were going off in my head for sleep apnea as you described your friend.

If it is that, which a sleep study would determine, then he could get treatment with a CPAP machine and he'll feel a million times better once he's getting proper sleep. A person can't function without breathing, eating or sleeping, and if he has severe sleep apnea, then all night he's neither sleeping nor breathing.

If this is the case, there is nothing (well, yet, maybe) to "confront" him about.
 
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