Light Humour - You Know You Are A Flashaholic When ...

xcel730

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
1,765
Location
NY
This thread is a combination of self-awareness, self-evaluation, and humor. I'll add more along the way.

Fill in the blank. You know you are a flashaholic when ...

... you feel naked if you go out without a flashlight

... you carry more than one flashlight

... the cumulative value of the flashlights you're carrying far exceed the value of cash you're carrying

... someone mugs you, you would rather give them your wallet than your flashlights

... deciding what to wear, you factor in which flashlight(s) to EDC

... the total value of all your flashlights and accessories exceeds your annual income ... pre-tax

... you need an insurance policy to cover your lights

... your improvised method of testing a flashlight's brightness is by starring at the LED when the flashlight is on and see how long it blinds you

... you smile when your non-flashaholic friends turns on your flashlight with the LED pointing to their face and scream, "HOLY CR*P"

... you buy a flashlight that has a low-low setting, thinking about preserving your night vision, yet stare at the LED at maximum output and ruining your normal vision

... you order a flashlight, you ship your flashlight to your work address so your signifcant other won't know

... you sneak a flashlight into your collection to avoid confrontation with your significant other

... your significant caught you buying a new flashlight and ask you how much it cost, you always give a number that's a lot less than what you actually paid for ... and he/she still thinks it's expensive! (honey, this McGizmo light cost only $50)

... you get your significant other an expensive flashlight, hoping you can convert him/her

... you have a spreadsheet to keep track of your flashlight collection

... you skimp on food for the month to save money for the custom flashlight you've always wanted

... you recognize the manufacture, model, and price of the flashlights used in movies

... a beautiful actress is holding a flashlight, you spend more time figuring out what light she's holding than the actress ... even when she's near-naked

... your ultimate fantasy is to help others navigate their way out during a blackout

... a blackout occurs, you smirk while everyone else is panicking

... you think ahead of time several lame responses in case someone asks you, "why do you carry a flashlight?"

... you've spent considerable amount of time thinking about all the possible worst-case scenarios where you need a flashlight

... your first line of defense when encountered by an assailant is to temporarily disorient them

... you go to AA meetings thinking there's free batteries

... you spend more time reading CPF than the news

... you follow your CPFer's philosophy of two is one, and one is none

... you have called a flashlight sexy at least once

... you're concerned about getting through airport security because your flashlight has crenalated bezel

... you turn off the lights at home, and make believe there's a blackout

... you pick the darkest route to walk your dog so you could use your light to illuminate the path

... you refuse to walk your dog during the day

... you forget about Car and Driver, Road & Track, Motor Trend and take your flashlights to the bathroom and do a ceiling bounce test in the dark while Pooing - by Vortex

... you have more photos of your flashlights than you do of your family

... every store you visit, you check out what flashlight they carry ... and laugh to yourself of how weak those lights are

... your significant others always ask the store clerk where's the flashlight section when she need to find you

... you don't even notice the beautiful cleavages when looking at the SF Titan and Draco ad

... you have more flashlights than you have shoes

... you buy Pelican case and foam inserts to protect your made-for-abuse flashlight

... you have more CR123a batteries than your local drug store

... you log in to CPF during your breaks

... you seek consolations from other CPFers for spending so much on flashlights, and immediately feel better after logging on CPF and knowing there are "others" out there that have spent more

... you use a brand new toothbrush to clean the treads while using a 3-month old toothbrush to brush your teeth

... you spend more time "brushing" your flashlight than you do brushing your teeth

... you put your flashlight inside a condom to see if it could work as a makeshift diffuser

... you never thought about using a condom as a diffuser and seriously consider trying it now

... you know the length, diameter, weight, lumens, and runtime for your EDC

... the first thing you think about when you get your bonus and tax refund is, "what light should I get?"

... fenix-store, lighthound, batteryjunction is on your speed dial

... you name your first baby "Lumen" -by tattoou2

... you stare at the police officer's belt to see what flashlight he/she is carrying

... you leave the house without your keys, phone and/or wallet but your pockets are full of flashlights - by Dim

... you give your favorite flashlights nicknames

... you consider a $150 custom flashlight as a steal

... you put on your sunglasses to stare at the light

... you're so proud of your new light even though it's similar to the last one (and the one before) you bought

... you want the highest possible lumen in a flashlight, but too embarrassed to use it in public

... you bought a flashlight because of its high lumens, but complain that it flickers at the lowest setting

... you wander around your house, not knowing what to do when CPF is under maintainence

... CPF is under maintainence, you actually follow their instruction and spend time in CPFM

... you take your flashlight with you in the shower to test it's water resistance

... you spent a lot of money to get the best flashlight, then immediately look for modders to squeeze out 20 extra lumens

... you hit refresh once every five minutes on Monday to see if Malkoff added new drop ins

... you hit refresh once every five minutes to see if UPS/FEDEx/USPS has delivered your new light

... You know what M6, A2, E2D, L1, L0D, P3D, NDI, 10440, 14500, 18650, 17670 mean

... you replace your family photo in your wallet with your flashlight family photo

... you're smoking outside, and someone ask for a "light", and you instinctively give them your flashlight

... your significant other falls on the floor while holding your favorite flashlight, you're more concerned about the flashlight than him/her (hey, your significant other will heal, but your flashlight will permenantly leave a mark)

... you buy two of the same flashlight thinking "one is for play, and one is for display" and then end up selling both at a discount at CPFM a month later when a new bin comes out

... you spent the last several minutes of your life reading this thread to the end

... you spent the last couple of minutes thinking what you can add to this thread


-----------------
Recently Added
-----------------

... you have a website with about 0.099394 terabytes of content about the silly things - by The_LED_Museum (If you don't understand, see his website) - 05/07/08

... you have no fewer than 1,550 devices which glow, flash, blink, or otherwise emit EM radiation with a wavelength range of 253.7nm to 1,342nm - by The_LED_Museum - 05/07/08

... you document on your will who will inherit your flashlights

... you buy an LED drop in and a new tailcap for a XYZ brand flashlight and then you tell your friends' how reliable and durable XYZ brand flashlights are ... even though you know that the only thing that's left from the original XYZ brand flashlight is the battery tube

... your favorite and most prized flashlight is the one that gets the least amount of usage

... you consider white wall hunting a sport

... you started to notice all the imperfections on your walls and ceiling

... you have used or attempted to use flashlight terminologies as part of a joke (i.e., I was Seoul CREEdy that I bought all the flashlights from White-Walmart. I Emit that I have an addiction. )

... you were thinking about coming up with joke but quickly gave up because it takes some CREEativity. Okay, LEDs not get carried away now.

... you consider fondling your flashlights a form of foreplay

... Nintendo Wii reminds you of Lummi Wee

... more than 50% of your posts from CPFM consists of "I'll Take It!", and "Paypal Sent!"

... you have done online "window shopping" by adding flashlight(s) to your cart, fill out all your billing, shipping, and credit card information, and then close your browser without paying

... you accidentally clicked the "Submit Payment" button while online "window shopping", and then didn't want to go through the hassle of cancelling it

... you bought at least one flashlight on impulse, and then come up with lame excuses of why you need it

... you know the online store owner and call him/her by a first name basis

... you have considered taking a side job where it requires you to use your flashlights

... you have considered taking a side job to save up for your next flashlights

... you have walked around your house and searched for things to sell to fund your next flashlight

... your flashlights and batteries occupy more than 20% of the space in your emergency bailout bag

... your desktop wallpaper features your favorite flashlight

... your mom catches you with your pants down staring at the computer, and says, "If you're going to do that, at least you could be looking at pretty girls instead of those silly lights." - by Bob_G

... you stick your hands down your front pocket and fondle your flashlight unconsciously

... using a public restroom, you use a stall instead of the urinal so you could have some privacy time with your flashlight

... you're searching for accessories and modders weeks before your flashlight even arrives

... you buy flashlight or accessories from lighthound even if there's a cheaper alternative because lighthound give out free keychain light

... you took your time to write to the flashlight manufacturer to tell them how their flashlight changed your life

... you feel like you're cheating on your flashlight when you replace it with a newer model

... you get frustrated when watching horror flicks where they always have a cheap $1.00 Energizer incan flashlight that always flicker and see the actor/actress banging it

... you get distracted from the movies because your mind start wandering which flashlight you would carry with you if you were in the same exact situation as the actors/actress

... you take screenshots of movies and post them on CPF to see if anyone know what flashlight(s) the actor/actress is using and where you can obtain one

... you tell your flashlights to "say cheese" when you're taking pictures of them

... you lose sleep over whether you should get flashlight A or flashlight B, and end up buying both

... you lose sleep because you bought both and your significant other kicked you out of the bedroom (see above)

... you actually take it as a compliment when someone say, "Damn, that thing is small"

... you're proud to say, "good things come in small packages"

... you have thought about whether there are modders out there that could help you add a 100 lumen LED on your cell phone

... you buy a dog so you can walk your flashlights -by Diesel Bomber (I Love this!)

... you don't care about how low the runtime of your EDC flashlight is because you EDC a case of spare batteries anyway

... you still remember which flashlight broke your flashaholic virginity and refuse to sell it despite its 5 lumens output because of sentimental feelings

... you find yourself walking around your home at night with a surefire clipped on your boxers -by Curlyfry562

... the combine output of your tritium vials and other GITD items is greater than 10 lumens

.. you buy a new bicycle and purposely ride at night just so you could blind traffic with your new triple SSC headlight you built. - by russthetoolman

... the flashlights you retire are better than the ones in all of the local sporting good stores - by Hooked_on_Fenix

... none of your lights are used long enough to stop working before you buy better lights to replace them - by Hooked_on_Fenix

... you decorated your Christmas tree with fauxton lights you bought from DealExtreme

... you tailstand your flashlights in lieu of candles for a romantic candlelit dinner

... you deny that you're a flashaholic, yet for some reason find this thread quite amusing and have read up to this line
 
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e2x2e

Enlightened
Joined
Dec 19, 2007
Messages
462
There is a GIGANTIC thread of "You know you're a flashaholic when"-s, but I can't find it. Anyways...these are funny :)
 

Lightmania

Enlightened
Joined
Sep 10, 2006
Messages
214
You know you are a flashaholic if you've started a "You know you're flashaholic when you..." thread on a flashlight forum.

And you know you are a flashaholic if you've responded to the "You know you're flashaholic when you..." thread.

Boy, that was mouthful.
 

xcel730

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
1,765
Location
NY
I was looking for it, but couldn't find it. If we get more from other CPFers, I'll add them to the list.

There is a GIGANTIC thread of "You know you're a flashaholic when"-s, but I can't find it. Anyways...these are funny :)
 

Fallingwater

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Jul 11, 2005
Messages
3,323
Location
Trieste, Italy
... you smile when your non-flashaholic friends turns on your flashlight with the LED pointing to their face and scream, "HOLY CR*P"
I've been known to occasionally flash my friends in the eyes on my own initiative. It's usually in response to the question "you spent €35 for a flashlight? Why?!". Then I flash them with my NDI, and then they go "...oh".

... you get your significant other an expensive flashlight, hoping you can convert him/her
This is nearly always a bad idea. A low- to medium-value light is a far better idea, this way you won't be too disappointed when they throw it in a drawer and never take it out again. And in the off chance you manage to get them hooked, then you can get them something fancy.

... a blackout occurs, you smirk while everyone else is panicking
This happens to me with most unusual events. Blackouts, storms and other kinds of inconveniences are things I hate when I'm by myself, but which I actually enjoy a great deal when I'm with others. And I don't know why... (not that I'd enjoy a natural disaster, mind you.)

... you think ahead of time several lame responses in case someone asks you, "why do you carry a flashlight?"
I need no lame response to this question. My standard answer is the simple truth: "I carry it because it's useful". Of course I only carry one light... I could see how people who carry five or six might have a problem explaining that with this reasoning.

... your first line of defense when encountered by an assailant is to temporarily disorient them
It hasn't yet happened and I hope it never does, but just in case, this is exactly why I set my NDI to strobe mode and keep it ready when I'm walking by myself during the night. I'm not at all powerfully built, so even the second or so of disorientation I might manage to inflict on an assailant at close range would go a long way to making sure I don't get hit myself and land the first blow. Which would, of course, probably be hitting with all my strength the assailant's nose with the NDI's strike bezel.

... you spend more time reading CPF than the news
Heh, this is absolutely true for me. Far more interesting :p

As for me... well, I've just spent five minutes debating whether to buy a Fenix E01 for its battery-vampire capacity, then I remembered I use maybe two AAAs every year.
Fortunately, my rationality always steps in to save me from the monetary black hole that is true flashaholicism.
Because of this, I'd classify myself as an enthusiast, not a true flashaholic.
 

LEDdicted

Newly Enlightened
Joined
Jul 25, 2007
Messages
75
Location
Southern Ontario, Canada
... you order a flashlight, you ship your flashlight to your work address so your signifcant other won't know
... you sneak a flashlight into your collection to avoid confrontation with your significant other
Wow, is that ever the truth! I wish I could have them mailed to me at work, but for some reason they screen the incoming mail and everyone would have to know why I received a flashlight by mail at work.
As for the second line of the quote above. I ordered an IncedDio and a Jet-I MK IBS a couple of days apart. Luck would have it that they arrived in Canada a day apart, and left customs at the same time. Now, I have two lights incoming, for the same day.
...PROBLEM...my wife just happens to have that day off work :eek: HOLY CR@P what do I do (she still thinks two flashlights is too many...and I just got the MA6 last month). I managed to get her out of the house for a couple of hours (mentioned I needed new pants and shirts...she loves to shop). On a prayer, I left work at lunch hour to swing by the house to make sure there was no "we were here and missed you" sticker on the door. Just as I pulled into my driveway, the mail truck pulled up. I got my lights AND I don't have to sleep on the couch!

Thanks CPF for turning me into a FLASHAHOLIC :twothumbs
 

portezbie

Newly Enlightened
Joined
Apr 30, 2008
Messages
193
I know "flashlightaholic" is a lot more to say and type, but can't anyone coin a term for people of the luminous persuasion that doesn't seem to imply that we should not be left unsupervised around children?( I mean they probably shouldn't anyway, we may end up blinding them with our crazy edc's :laughing:)
 

Burgess

Flashaholic
Joined
Apr 10, 2006
Messages
6,545
Location
USA
You know yer' a Flashaholic . . . .



When you read every line of Post # 1,


even though it BADLY needs to be double-spaced !



:poke:
_
 

The_LED_Museum

*Retired*
Joined
Aug 12, 2000
Messages
19,414
Location
Federal Way WA. USA
Let me add one or two here:
You know you're a flashaholic when...



o You have a website with ~0.099394 terabytes of content about the silly things.

o You have no fewer than 1,550 devices which glow, flash, blink, or otherwise emit EM radiation with a wavelength range of 253.7nm to 1,342nm.
 

xcel730

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
1,765
Location
NY
Didn't quite make sense to me until I realized that it was from you LED_Museum. ... you know you're a flashaholic when you create a website dedicated to flashlights

Let me add one or two here:
You know you're a flashaholic when...


o You have a website with ~0.099394 terabytes of content about the silly things.

o You have no fewer than 1,550 devices which glow, flash, blink, or otherwise emit EM radiation with a wavelength range of 253.7nm to 1,342nm.
 

Fallingwater

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Jul 11, 2005
Messages
3,323
Location
Trieste, Italy
...PROBLEM...my wife just happens to have that day off work :eek: HOLY CR@P what do I do
You don't marry.

Let me add one or two here:
You know you're a flashaholic when...
o You have a website with ~0.099394 terabytes of content about the silly things.
Nice try, but that's just 104 megs. :p Edit: or not. I'm stupid. :p
 
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