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Thread: pilots vs. ground crew

  1. #1
    Flashaholic* Lasernerd's Avatar
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    Hahaha pilots vs. ground crew

    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


    By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    *
    P:Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
    midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    KES LASER Light shows for a long time!.MS R&D Retired

  2. #2
    Flashaholic* climberkid's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    i am trying sooooo hard not to bust out laughing in lecture right now. somehow if i shared this with my lighting instructor i dont think he would think it was funny. thats freakin awesome though.

  3. #3
    *Flashaholic* Illum's Avatar
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    Crackup Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    this is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous
    I have a friend who works at the local community airport, I'm printing this out

    Perhaps the UPS's excellent track record is because of humor that relieves stress accumulated on a days delivery

  4. #4
    Flashaholic* m16a's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    That was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reposting that on another forum!
    Register your Smart PD(D10, D20, EX10) at the official registry
    To prevent catastrophes, please make sure that brain is online before mouth moves.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    So, UPS cargo planes have IFF (identify friend or foe) and targeting radar?

    What are your rights and your life worth to you?

  6. #6
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Missed one

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasernerd View Post
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
    midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    P: Whining noise from instrument panel.
    S: Gave hammer back to midget.

  7. #7
    Flashaholic* Black Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Quote Originally Posted by jchoo View Post
    So, UPS cargo planes have IFF (identify friend or foe) and targeting radar?

    The version of these that landed in my inbox several years ago said it was mostly about Quantas and the US Air Force.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew



    2 Thumbsup

  9. #9
    Flashaholic* Steve K's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    I remember people telling me stories about the "took hammer away from little man" when I was fixing planes in the USMC back in the late 70's. I suspect some of these stories must go back to shortly after the first planes were delivered to the military in the early 1900's.

    Still, some of these strike very close to home. I've had a pilot complain about all the noise coming out of the UHF radio when he turned the squelch knob in one direction. I told him it was okay to turn it in the other direction so the noise goes away. Of course, I was in a training squadron, so we got to see pilots before they were familiar with everything in the cockpit.

    I've also had a pilot show me in flight (I was in the backseat of one of our TA-4F Skyhawks) how the autopilot would cause the plane to oscillate in roll. Very weird, I'll admit. For some reason, the pilot thought that the in-flight demo would help me troubleshoot the problem. That was nice of him to assume this, but our test equipment was pretty basic and could only catch the obvious problems while we were troubleshooting on the ground. I wonder if anyone ever fixed the problem??? Now that I'm a EE, and have some knowledge of control systems, it's a pretty interesting problem! Too much loop gain?? Multiple poles at the same frequency?

    Some days I really miss fixing planes. Sitting in front of a computer is just not that much fun.

    Steve K.
    formerly Sgt. Steve, VMAT-102, MCAS Yuma.

  10. #10
    Flashaholic* TITAN1833's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    This is very funny.
    Last edited by TITAN1833; 07-08-2008 at 03:35 PM. Reason: add
    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
    their shoes.

  11. #11
    Flashaholic* Crenshaw's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    not to be a wet blanket, but i found it funny only at first, and just ended up being worried for the poor pilot...

    Crenshaw

  12. #12
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Quote Originally Posted by Black Rose View Post
    The version of these that landed in my inbox several years ago said it was mostly about Quantas and the US Air Force.
    Bingo, this isn't a UPS thing, it has been floating around for years, attributed as coming from various sources at one time or another. People just change the introduction to fit their whims at the time.
    Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!

  13. #13
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Yep, I don't think UPS planes are equipped with target radars.

  14. #14
    Flashaholic Aluminous's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Quote Originally Posted by NeonLights View Post
    Bingo, this isn't a UPS thing, it has been floating around for years, attributed as coming from various sources at one time or another. People just change the introduction to fit their whims at the time.
    Yeah. Seen it before, but it is still hilarious

  15. #15
    Flashaholic* Black Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    There are others out there about conversations between control towers and aircraft....equally funny.

  16. #16
    Flashaholic* climberkid's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    where might those be? i love a good laugh.

  17. #17
    *Flashaholic* Illum's Avatar
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    Grinser2 Re: pilots vs. ground crew


  18. #18
    Flashaholic* Black Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Here's a pilot to control tower conversation I heard tonight.

    Was sitting out at Ottawa International watching and listening to the passenger and cargo planes. The nightly FedEx flight had taken off and was flying faster than the cargo plane that took off right before it (both planes were 727-200F models).

    The tower told the first cargo plane to speed up as FedEx was catching up to it. About 5 minutes later there was some more chatter between the tower and the FedEx flight.

    I couldn't catch it all as an Embraer 190 was taking off at the time, but I did catch this part of the conversation:

    FedEx 181: "We've got the oldest plane in the air....we do not have RNAV."

    Guess those pilots will be glad when FedEx replaces the 727s with the 757s.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    My favorites (quoted from other sites and "oldies but goodies"):


    -------------------------------

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

    So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

    -------------------------------
    In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

    "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

    As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause....

    "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." (That's about 2005 mph)

    No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
    "Show them a light, and they'll follow it anywhere..."

  20. #20
    Flashaholic* climberkid's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    that last one was amazing. that just made my day.

  21. #21
    Flashaholic* Steve K's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    The speed of a SR-71 is staggering to consider. If you figure that whole radio exchange took 5 minutes, and they were traveling 2000mph, then they had covered about 166 miles in that time!

    Does Air Traffic Control even track military aircraft operating that high?? They certainly aren't going to be interfering with civilian traffic.

    How old is the story, I wonder? Aircraft haven't been permitted to fly supersonic across the continental USA since I was a kid (late 60's or so). It's been a long time since I've heard a sonic boom rattle the school windows.


    Steve K.

  22. #22
    *Flashaholic* Illum's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    I hear booms that rattle windows every once awhile, here theres alot of hydrogen powered supersonic aircrafts, and you can only hear them when they are cleared for reentry

  23. #23
    Flashaholic* Black Rose's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    When I used to live in Nova Scotia, I used to hear the Concord go supersonic out over the ocean on it's way back to England.

  24. #24
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    The YF12A/SR71 was a wonder from the Kelly Johnson Skunk Works (a name and a design team you want to know about). It was in service from '64 through '98 and was designed so that the skin of the aircraft expanded when it flew. The friction on the skin was enough to make it very hot to the touch for quite awhile after landing. Since the way the fuel was stored was a factor of all of this, it basically leaked fuel like a sieve when it was on the ground -- not what you would expect of a mach 3 plus aircraft. Some of the records include a top speed record of 2,242 mph, a coast to coast average speed of 2,124 (but hey, that did include mid air refueling so it had to slow down for a bit), and an altitude record of 85,068 feet (and a few inches but who's to quibble, right?).

    The plane was unarmed, the defense against a missile launched at it was pretty straightforward (just go faster, duh). In a word, the SR71 is sexy.
    "Show them a light, and they'll follow it anywhere..."

  25. #25
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Quote Originally Posted by Lasernerd View Post
    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit
    That's my favorite one! At my previous job, there was one guy who always filled out repair requests by just scrawling the word "BUSTED" across the form and tacking it to the defective equipment. I always wanted some kind of a clever comeback for that.

  26. #26
    Flashaholic* climberkid's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    Quote Originally Posted by Illum_the_nation View Post
    I hear booms that rattle windows every once awhile, here theres alot of hydrogen powered supersonic aircrafts, and you can only hear them when they are cleared for reentry
    yeah, i went for a camping trip on the florida trail (big mistake) and somewhere about 10-15 miles north of juniper springs here in central florida there were 3-4 jets flying overhead and it was very loud. and there were definitely some sonic booms a few times. mostly they were just circling around the base near there.

  27. #27
    Flashaholic aussiebob's Avatar
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    Default Re: pilots vs. ground crew

    HAHHAHAHA LOL


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