pilots vs. ground crew

Lasernerd

Enlightened
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Dec 27, 2002
Messages
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Location
The Great Pacific Northwest,home of the Goonies,Sh
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

climberkid

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Jan 19, 2008
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Goldsboro, NC
i am trying sooooo hard not to bust out laughing in lecture right now. somehow if i shared this with my lighting instructor i dont think he would think it was funny. thats freakin awesome though. :crackup::crackup::crackup::crackup:
 

Illum

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Joined
Apr 29, 2006
Messages
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Location
Central Florida, USA
this is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
I have a friend who works at the local community airport, I'm printing this out:nana:

Perhaps the UPS's excellent track record is because of humor that relieves stress accumulated on a days delivery:)
 

m16a

Enlightened
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
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Location
Being a patriot in the fine state of PA
That was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!
crackup.gif
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crackup.gif


Reposting that on another forum!
crackup.gif
 

jzmtl

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Dec 4, 2006
Messages
3,123
Location
Montreal, Canada
Missed one

And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Whining noise from instrument panel.
S: Gave hammer back to midget.
 

Steve K

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Jun 10, 2002
Messages
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Location
Peoria, IL
I remember people telling me stories about the "took hammer away from little man" when I was fixing planes in the USMC back in the late 70's. I suspect some of these stories must go back to shortly after the first planes were delivered to the military in the early 1900's.

Still, some of these strike very close to home. I've had a pilot complain about all the noise coming out of the UHF radio when he turned the squelch knob in one direction. I told him it was okay to turn it in the other direction so the noise goes away. Of course, I was in a training squadron, so we got to see pilots before they were familiar with everything in the cockpit.

I've also had a pilot show me in flight (I was in the backseat of one of our TA-4F Skyhawks) how the autopilot would cause the plane to oscillate in roll. Very weird, I'll admit. For some reason, the pilot thought that the in-flight demo would help me troubleshoot the problem. That was nice of him to assume this, but our test equipment was pretty basic and could only catch the obvious problems while we were troubleshooting on the ground. I wonder if anyone ever fixed the problem??? Now that I'm a EE, and have some knowledge of control systems, it's a pretty interesting problem! Too much loop gain?? Multiple poles at the same frequency?

Some days I really miss fixing planes. Sitting in front of a computer is just not that much fun.

Steve K.
formerly Sgt. Steve, VMAT-102, MCAS Yuma.
 

Crenshaw

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Joined
Sep 14, 2007
Messages
4,308
Location
Singapore
not to be a wet blanket, but i found it funny only at first, and just ended up being worried for the poor pilot...:(

Crenshaw
 

NeonLights

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Joined
Jan 18, 2003
Messages
1,493
Location
Ohio
The version of these that landed in my inbox several years ago said it was mostly about Quantas and the US Air Force.
Bingo, this isn't a UPS thing, it has been floating around for years, attributed as coming from various sources at one time or another. People just change the introduction to fit their whims at the time.
 

Aluminous

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May 12, 2008
Messages
324
Location
Texas
Bingo, this isn't a UPS thing, it has been floating around for years, attributed as coming from various sources at one time or another. People just change the introduction to fit their whims at the time.

Yeah. Seen it before, but it is still hilarious :D
 

Black Rose

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Mar 8, 2008
Messages
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Location
Ottawa, ON, Canada
Here's a pilot to control tower conversation I heard tonight.

Was sitting out at Ottawa International watching and listening to the passenger and cargo planes. The nightly FedEx flight had taken off and was flying faster than the cargo plane that took off right before it (both planes were 727-200F models).

The tower told the first cargo plane to speed up as FedEx was catching up to it. About 5 minutes later there was some more chatter between the tower and the FedEx flight.

I couldn't catch it all as an Embraer 190 was taking off at the time, but I did catch this part of the conversation:

FedEx 181: "We've got the oldest plane in the air....we do not have RNAV." :whistle:

Guess those pilots will be glad when FedEx replaces the 727s with the 757s.
 

chmsam

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Apr 26, 2004
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3rd Stone
My favorites (quoted from other sites and "oldies but goodies"):


-------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

-------------------------------
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause....

"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." (That's about 2005 mph)

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
 
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