You're not alone. I've had mostly bad times in my life. Even lately, for the last six years, I've been mostly homebound taking care of my mom. It's been depressing seeing someone end up a shell of their former self. Then of course this pandemic put depression into overdrive for a lot of people, even those who never dealt with depression before.
I was bullied in grade school and middle school by two jerks. In general bullies have low self-esteem. It builds them up when they belittle others. By 7th grade I had enough. Snuck up on one of the bullies when they were alone, put a piece of rebar to his skull. He lived but I think he was in the hospital for a few weeks. He never even saw me coming, and nobody else saw it. Fortunate for me, or there might have been legal consequences. I'm only saying that because I don't recommend you do what I did. I was a juvenile, so even if I were caught I would have gotten off easy. And it was the 1970s when they often didn't even prosecute stuff like that because the justice system was overwhelmed with far more serious crimes. Just for context, a few years earlier in the housing project where I lived some older kids took matters into their own hands with another pair of bullies who were terrorizing the elderly and others. They bought them up to the roof, and they sent them down the short way. I didn't see it personally but that's what I heard. Nobody who lived there saw anything, everyone was happy those two were gone for good. So the cops dropped what was already a half-hearted investigation. Shows how bad things were back then. Doing the same thing now as an adult could have bad consequences. So now I wouldn't do it, except in self-defense. Anyway, after that I was never bothered. The entire school, including the bullies, knew I did it, even though nobody could prove anything. Didn't have any trouble after that. I also learned to keep aware of my surroundings, and to make myself appear threatening if need be, so it would never happen again. It's a good idea for you to learn to do that at least. If you act like a victim, you'll often become one. That's who bullies like to prey on.
On suicide, I tried it once. Not fun. I was in my third year of college. I had been pursuing a girl I cared about a lot the prior year. For a bunch of reasons, everything went south. I was in a chronic depression from that point on, just going through the motions of life. In retrospect, I was also burned out from my course load at college. I was commuting to school at the time. Didn't care for staying in the dorms, and we didn't have the money for it anyway. One day I decided I just couldn't go on. Left anything which could identify me at home, went to school for classes as usual. My plan was on the way back to throw myself in front of an express train at Princeton Junction. For those not familiar, Amtrak trains that skip that stop come through at 125 mph or more. I figured with a good hit not much would be left, certainly not enough to identify me. My family would probably think I was missing, have some hope I might return for a while, and then eventually just accept it and get on with their lives. Much easier than knowing with certainty I died, especially at my own hand. Anyway, the train I planned to use came through at only about 60 mph. Probably congestion up ahead or something. Too slow. I figured just wait for the next one but after a few minutes I got violently ill. I thought if not for that, I'd be gone now. So I went home, and never looked back. I took the next year off from school, realizing that my burned out condition doubtless caused my rash decision. Came back for senior year. I won't lie and say it was great. It wasn't. I was still depressed but I was able to cope much better. In fact, coping skills are what is most important since you often can't control what life throws at you. Sure, I was depressed about that girl for years. I still think about her almost every day. But I got on with my life. Still lots for me to do in this world.
The other side effect of the episode above was ever since then I don't fear death. I'd love to live forever, but once one comes that close to death they realize the narrow boundary between life and death. As paradoxical as it sounds, this actually has let me live a safer life. I never deny the possibility of death like many do, but at the same time being aware of it causes me to take precautions to avoid it which many others won't. How I've dealt with covid is a good example. I don't live in fear, but I realize there are certain steps I need to take to minimize my chances of contracting it. Same thing when I ride my bike. Always assume everyone will do the worst thing at the worst possible time, and leave myself an out in case that happens.
