Headlines From The Year 2029

[flashlite]

Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

 

[Sigman]

...oh come on! Are you "that" optimistic?! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[KevinL]

And to go with that, from CPF in the year 2029..

* Maglite introduces first 5mm LED model, limited availability in trial launch only

* bwaites announces "USL Version 5 for sale: 5 kilowatts of incandescent love in your 2AA MiniMag"

* tvodrd co-opted into producing lockout pin for USL v5... again

* MR Bulk ships first units of MR Fusion, Doc and Marty insist they have dibs

* Celebrity chef raggie33 scratches self while preparing hot sauce on national TV

* Surefire 2029 catalog released, neither PK nor desk visible behind Great Wall of Flashlights

* Group buy for Luxeon VX falls through - buyers insist on "no more than $30, MUST BE W0 tint and above 50,000 lumens", GB coordinator resigns

 

[jtr1962]

More news on the lighting front:

* Cree develops 99% efficient UV LED suitable for RGB white light, requires no heatsinking

* Nichia markets 10W, 2000 lumen power LED

* jtr1962 has group buy of eBay 150,000 mcd 5mm LEDs at only $0.01 each (those HK LEDs have really gotten cheap!) /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

And now for the other news:

* The seawall around New York City is being raised another 10 feet to compensate for the rising sea levels

* The southern half of the US is now completely uninhabitable due to yearly average temperatures of 120°F

* Afghanistan became the 55th state, joining Puerto Rico, Iraq, Iran, and Israel as the four other states added during the 21st century.

* The draft has now been extended to able bodied citizens of both sexes under the age of 50 years due to heavy losses in the war with China

* The Social Security Administration raised the minimum benefit age to 96 years, and says that may keep the system solvent until 2040. The payroll tax rate was raised yet again to 27.6% (55.2% for the self-employed).

* US Savings Bonds have fallen to junk bond status for the third year in a row. Analysts blame the debt incurred from the now defunct Medicare and Medicaid programs.

* Pedophiles win their court case to have the legal age of consent lowered to 5 years. Their success prompts other even more deviant groups, such as the man who wants to marry his female android, to go to court to legalize their "lifestyle".

* The unemployment rate drops to 65%. Economists are optimistic that the jobs lost to androids are being replaced elsewhere in the economy.

* The population of New York City surpasses 40 million for the first time due to migration from now uninhabitable southern areas.

* Alaskan and Siberian real estate prices increase by 100% for the third year in a row.

Oh, and I'm an optimist, too. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

 

[BentHeadTX]

*The 60 lumen Proton AA is introduced
*AA fuel cells have 24 amp hour capacity
*Raggie uses a 500,000 lumen LED array inside an aluminum foil lined swimming pool--this creates a light beam that burns up the MTV satellite.
*Roaming teenage bands of millions confused at what is cool, what music they should listen to and left to ponder post-MTV life.

Other news
*United States falls apart after the tax structure collapses due to CPF virus erasing records--5 new countries announced:
1. Canada Plus (Canada + Washington/Oregon/Idaho/Montana/UP of Michigan)
2. New England (NY north to Canada+)
3. Texas (Texas/Oklahoma/New Mexico/Louisiana/Arkansas)
4. MidSouthia Midwest and Southern States
5. Rockyland Mountain States with a strip of remaining Northern California for a sea port.

South and Central California fell into the sea in 2017 when a sunflower oil pipeline failed along the San Andreas Fault.

All 5 countries have friendly relations but distinctively different political views.

China "re-unites" with Taiwan--they were so good at it that they re-unite half of Asia. The China-India war rages in 2020 to 2025 and a lazer curtain falls across Asia.

Israel invents force field technology and refuses to share the technology.

The Middle East looks very different from the Great Realignment Wars (2007-2011) Egypt, Iran, Kurdistan, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Jordan have survived. Pakistan and Afganistan create one country to counter India.

Turkey joins EU in 2020

Mexico gets overrun by a new country forming on it's southern border-- Azteca!

South America creates a loose collection of countries in alliance against Azteca.

Russia is secure because the world becomes better at reading history books.

Africa sorts itself out and is generally peaceful

BentheadTX is hanging out in Australia doing beam quality comparisons somewere in the outback.

 

[Lynx_Arc]

Keychain lazer sinks nuclear submarine, 14 year old kid arrested for illegally doing a *pot mod* on it.

Flashlights are now illegal since the 5megalumen LED light with optics was invented, people are forced to again buy candles as manufacturers are unable to make PR bulbs due to m@g buying up the global patent on it and switching over to LED lights at the same time.

Air collision kills 1236 people.. the 999 super duper ultra spectacular 5 level jet built buy boeing/asia-air is brought down by a drunk driver of an air moped which was legalized 3 days ago.

Video game banned for decency. Arnold Kennedy passes bill to ban game because a code was found that neutralized all violence and sexual content making the games rating a Y7 instead of AO. This infuriates all capitol hill and a lengthy 132 billion investigation finds out a home schooled kid was *brainwashed* into breaking into a video game company server and rewriting code to break the game.

Meximericanada goes to war with euroasia over price fixing as m@glight clones are sold for $.03 each.

Africa becomes the largest importer to china after rampid inflation and cost of living increases drive prices up.

Oklahoma and Iowa dissapear after the megahuge ethanol plants are blown up by plant rights activists.

Abortion rights activists pass bill repealing abortion law after time machine inventor threatens to erase them by convincing their parents to abort them.

Isreal invents air condition turban and sells it to muslims in exchange for conversion to judaism, millions convert due to 155 degree temperatures in the area.

ebay sells for $10 on MSN YAHOO auction site after MSN YAHOO makes their auction service free for first year.

18 wheeler powered by 2016 coin cell, which was later banned from sale due to the tiny nuclear reactor found inside of it.

Giant gorrilla proves evolution false. Scientists using genetic engineering accidentally boost gorrillas intelligence to unheard of IQ of 2300, who in turns proves evolution cannot work according to Garp's theory of obscurity.

2 trillion pesos allocated to Ultrabond corporation to pour their ultra epoxy formula down San Andreas fault for one more year staving off californias slide into the ocean.
Ultrabond won out over Uberglue's bid of 2.3 trillion pesos.

Russia patents snowcone in world court, kids revolt in china and dig up archived recipe of once considered harmful ice cream cone to replace it.

Atkins brain free diet questioned over death of prodigy kid.
Child was on diet when he stopped to think and collapsed.
Investigation concludes child died do to lack of cholesterol instead.

18 year old goes on insane killing spree after his sony brainman goes on the blitz overloading him with too many atari video game clips at once... he claims.... pacman made me do it.

African invents negative time dialation temperature equlization theory.. freezes half of ethiopa and scientist wanting to study the ice age rush to watch. World leaders hope they can unfreeze time to release the ice holding it all thus watering africa to help feed the 11 billion people on earth.

 

[Anti_Candescent]

CPF server becomes self-aware and orders two of every flashlight on the Internet. Claims it "needed to be prepared" BST is a zoo for months.

 

[KevinL]

[ QUOTE ]
BentHeadTX said:
BentheadTX is hanging out in Australia doing beam quality comparisons somewere in the outback.

[/ QUOTE ]

It really sounds like it'll be the last sane place on earth. I have a couple of friends who have literally driven where no man (or woman) has gone before.

GOD I WISH I COULD DO THAT SOME WEEKENDS. (to get away from all the PEOPLE causing me problems).

Just pack your 4WD, they use a LR Defender and can/usually have to drive it like it was MEANT to be driven and then some. Bring your tent, your booze, ALL your flashlights, and your SLR camera. And they say there's no such thing as heaven on earth. Imagine all the beamshots you could take!

And if you absolutely must post, nothing an INMARSAT data or Iridium 64Kbps uplink won't take care of. Well, except that it won't be the CPF server bottlenecking ya /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[AlexGT]

ATF starting to crack down on high power spotlights after several reports of people being disintegrated form 2 miles away by a powerful beam of light.

 

[AlexGT]

In other news, former flashlight giant Mag-Light files for chapter 11 bankruptcy after an astounding defeat in a whopping 10 Billion dollar Lawsuit, brought to court by a consortium of small flashlight manufacturers who sued the giant for hindering flashlight innovation by lawsuit abuse. The supreme court ruled that it is not fair to take advantage of the legal system to force other companies out of the business.

 

[matt_j]

Polish people still claim the invention of solar powered flashlight yet still looking for recipe for ice cubes.

 

[WildRice]

Hey, don't pick on the Polish people, We know how to make ice, DUH!!!... its water and...um...you take it and...um...nevermind.

Jeff

 

[Lurveleven]

* Flashlight manufacturer stock continues to decline as it becomes more and more affordable with full spectrum electronic eye implants that let people see clearly in any light condition.

* There are great controversy around the new brain reformatting breakthrough, many view it as a great opportunity to turn criminals and mentaly ill persons into productive citicens, but its opponents want it banned because of the high possibility of missuse by organized crime and by religious fanatics.

* The first defrosted and revived cryogenic person is celebrating one year defrosted.

* The first criminal ever is convicted based on information retrieved from memory implants embedded in the brain.

* The worls oil reserves are close to being completely gone, and the big oil companies now find that they no longer can obstruct the development of alternative energy sources.

* For the third year in a row, the earths population is declining. We are now seeing the results of the "Educate the World" project started 15 years ago.

* Space tourism is again gaining popularity after a couple of serious accidents a couple of years ago. It is now getting more and more affordable for normal people.

* Scientists are still trying to find a better cure for cancer.

* Norway is having its 5th election for EU membership, but yet again the outcome is negative.

* Lurveleven is getting kicked out by his wife after spending to much time and money trying to create a real life replicator as found on Star Trek.

 

[PhotonWrangler]

Backstreet Boys announce their Geezer Rock tour.

Microsoft releases Windows 2.5k. Minimum system requirements: 200 Terabytes HD space, 120Ghz quad-core CPU, liquid nitrogen cooling. Announces "critical" service pack one day later.

Broadcast TV replaced by direct neural stimulation via USB-5000 port. Flashable BIOS for neural link cures all mental illnesses with replacement code.

Microsoft tries to corner market on neural flash-rom code.
Zombies ensue.

Wal-Mart opens store on Mars, McDonalds to follow.

Cher announces her 14th farewell tour.

 

[AlexGT]

Maglight is still producing the same old line of flashlights. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackup.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackup.gif