This thread has quickly moved off topic and somewhere along the way became a pity party. More advice JTR, take it or leave it. You need to look in the mirror. You are full of excuses for why your life is not the way you want it to be. Your parent's fault, the fault of engineering oriented companies not wanting to be in cities, the fault of it being normally being rude to randomly hit on strangers (who you know nothing about).
I am not that old JTR. 50's. My parents were dirt poor. Dad never made it to high school. Mom didn't make it much farther. Labourers supporting (barely) 5 kids. First time I was on a plane was in my 20's that I paid for. No way my parents could afford my schooling. Worked my *** off in high school to get high marks (for scholarships). Then I worked construction for 16 months so I could go to school. And yes I worked part time for the 2 1/2 years of 4 and kept my marks up. Busted my *** there so I could do grad school. Other than being proud of me, my parents could offer nothing. Not money, not career advice, not schooling advice. You know what, I never expected it of them either.
I'm not seeking pity here. I'm just telling it like it is. The reality of the situation is for every person who manages to pull themselves up by their bootstraps a hundred others in the exact same situation don't. Not because of laziness or character defects or excuses. They just may not know how like I didn't. Some people who are in situations like yours find a mentor who guides them. Others just stumble upon a solution through blind luck. For most neither of these happen. For a lot of people who keep trying without results there's the very real phenomenon of learned helplessness. To some extent that happened to me and both my siblings.
Everyone is different. It's great you were able to work and keep your grades up. I couldn't. I tried it for one year. Didn't work. I was tired and miserable all the time. Besides that, the amount of money you make on the kinds of jobs you can get in college is practically negligible compared to what you might need for grad school. The pay from my work study job basically amounted to snack money. If I had saved it all, I would have had well under $1,000 for the entire year. Grad school even back then probably would have ran at least $25K.
I never expected any advice from my parents besides do well in school but I'm disappointed schools don't offer a lot more guidance. And job placement upon graduation. For what they charge those are reasonable expectations.
I hope you know the way financial aid works there's something called "parental contribution" which the schools calculate when figuring out how much aid you get. If your parents were dirt poor then their expected contribution probably would have been nothing. Mine were middle class. They expected a few thousand a year. My father didn't want to contribute anything so my mother picked up the slack, at least until she couldn't work. Then my dad decided to start working two jobs when he was 50. Don't think it was for a noble reason like helping my sister and me through college. No, he blew most of it on hobbies. Unfortunately though the school saw the higher income and expected a higher parental contribution. When it wasn't forthcoming I ended up having to max out my loans AND stop living on campus (that saved about $3K annually). So 2 hours each way on public transit. I did what I needed to in order to graduate. To this day I'm surprised I was able to pull it off.
Anyway, long story short, with grad school out, my options were basically continue to work the kind of crappy jobs I got after college for the rest of my life, or start my own business. I picked the latter. Not necessarily what I thought I would be doing, but far better than doing stuff like a technician for $7 an hour.
Unfortunately, and that is another story, I entered back into the dating world late 40's. I am just a regular looking guy. Fitter than most, but that is about it. The women on those dating sites are not wacky. They are the same people you see on the streets every day. Some are amazing. Some are not. The difference being you are in a forum where it is acceptable to "walk up to them" and introduce yourself with clear intention. If you didn't find anyone even remotely interesting, then you did not try. Period. Didn't you say you are in New York City? I can only imagine how many women, interested in dating, are within a short distance of where you live.
I've been stuck caretaking for my mother for about the last decade. Relationships are out of the question for now unless I find someone who just likes hanging around my house. I was on some sites before I was caretaking. For the most part I saw better looking people in the street. For me it's looks first because without that things will remain platonic. Then I get into personality, interests, education, etc. I'm actually willing to compromise a bit on those.
The hard truth though is my broken heart never really mended. I even had to take a year off from school after my junior year because I just couldn't function any more. The break really helped by the way. From 19 until my late 20s I was mostly in a deep depression. That killed any ambition on my part to find a way to go to grad school, or do much of anything besides stay alive. Cycling kept me functional at least. Eventually I got mostly back to normal, started my business. But unless I meet someone who totally blows me away I'd rather be alone. I just refuse to settle. And I'll give you advice to do the same.
Harsh words, but necessary. You need to stop making excuses and start doing the things that are going to contribute to your happiness.
I've already discussed these things with my siblings and a few friends. The hard fact is for some people there just are no viable solutions. It's not excuses, it's accepting reality. So long as my mother is alive, I can't have any semblance of a life. My siblings can't help me much. Both work. Neither can mind her at their place so I could have occasional week or two breaks. We can't afford any kind of help.
After my mother goes, assuming I'm still alive, who knows? I haven't given up on life so much as just tempered my expectations. And if I come across some random stranger who looks like they might be for me, I'm just going for it. If they think I'm nuts, so be it. I'm not waiting for some socially acceptable situation to meet someone.
What does any of these tangents by me and others have to do with the original topic of this thread? I'll say a lot. When people feel shortchanged by life, especially if they're in a position of authority like LEOs, they'll sometimes decide to take out their frustrations on those they're charged with protecting. It's all worth discussing. Maybe some of what we're all writing here about mental health might help someone.
