Raggie, what you are going through is absolutely horrible. But please, please do not give up. It is a really tough struggle. For the sake of all those who are touched by you, including your family and our community on candlepowerforums, try to keep going and healing will happen. Your father is no longer alive here on earth. God loves you, and has given you the choice to live life.
Hang in there bud, sometimes it seems like the older we get, the more difficult life can become. It seems like the whole CPF community here thinks highly of you, so you can be thankful for that. I'm sure you could private message any one of us if you really needed to talk to someone, and that includes me.