there are some Jokes

PhotonWrangler

Flashaholic
Joined
Oct 19, 2003
Messages
13,536
Location
In a handbasket
A man went to the airport check-in terminal. As he placed his bags on the scale he told the attendant "Ok, now I want you to send one of these bags to Denver, one to Chicago and one to Toledo."

"I'm sorry sir, we can't do that" said the attendant.

"Why not? You did it last time!"
 

bykfixer

Flashaholic
CPF Supporter
Joined
Aug 9, 2015
Messages
17,151
Location
My own little Idaho
Two gentlemen arrived at the Pearly Gates. One a pastor, one a politician. St Peter said "gentlemen, nice to see you". He says "we have a fine place for each of you ready to go, just follow me".

He continues "first Mr Pastor let me show you your new home". He shows him a nice little one room home with a table, a chair and a reading lamp. "Thank you sir" said the pastor.

He shows the politician his new home next. A multi room mansion with servants and lots of beautiful accessories. "Here you go" he says. The politician says "now wait a second, how come such an honorable man received such a humble abode and I receive such decadence?" St Peter pauses and says "sir we have thousands of pastors already but you're the first politician to make it here".
 

Hooked on Fenix

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Dec 13, 2007
Messages
2,916
Three guys die in a drunk driving accident. They appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Peter says, “Since it’s Christmastime, if you hand me something Christmas related, I’ll let you in.” The first guy pulls out a lighter, uses it, and says, “It’s a candle.” Peter lets him in. The second guy takes out his keys and shakes them. He says, “They’re bells.” Peter let’s him in. The third guy pulls out red women’s bikini cut underwear from his pocket. He says, “They’re Carol’s”.
 
Last edited:

bykfixer

Flashaholic
CPF Supporter
Joined
Aug 9, 2015
Messages
17,151
Location
My own little Idaho
A bull and a pheasant were grazing a field. The pheasant looked up at the top of a tree and said "oh there was a time when I could reach the top of that tree".The bull replied "you can get to the top of the tree, just eat some of my dung and you'll reach it in a fortnight". The pheasant said "oh come on what kind of rubbish is that?" The bull said "really, just try it and you'll see. All of humanity is on it". So the peasant started pecking on the dung and sure enough in a fortnight he found himself at the top of the tree. He was just beginning to enjoy the scenery when an old farmer pulled out his shotgun and shot the pheasant.

Moral of the story; bull**** can get you to the top but it never lets you stay there.
 

Monocrom

Flashaholic
Joined
Aug 27, 2006
Messages
17,097
Location
NYC
A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi were stuck on a Lifeboat after the cruise ship they were on; sank. Along came a shark, tipped the boat over; and ate them! Well, except for the lawyer. No, the shark wasn't full. Just a case of showing professional courtesy to his own kind.
 

Poppy

Flashaholic
CPF Supporter
Joined
Dec 20, 2012
Messages
7,021
Location
Northern New Jersey
A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist decide to go fishing.
They row their boat a ways from shore, and realize that they left the bait on shore.
The Priest says... "I'll get it." He jumps overboard and walks to shore, and returns with the bait.
The Atheist is shocked to see this "man of the cloth" walk on water!

Not too much time goes by before it is lunch time, and lunch was left on the beach. The Rabbi says, "I'll get it." He jumps over the side of the boat and walks to shore.

Again the Atheist is stunned,

When the Rabbi returns, he said, "I brought the sandwiches back, but couldn't manage the cooler with the drinks in it too."

They both looked at the Atheist. He figured, Oh Well! And jumped overboard. Straight to the bottom he went. Fortunately it was only 6 feet deep. He swam to shore, and struggled getting the cooler to float, as he pulled it towards the boat.

Both men of the cloth watched the Atheist struggle with a smirk on their faces.

One turned to the other and asked... "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"
 
Top