PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
Today is National Cliche Day.
Whatever
Whatever
there are some Jokes
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PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
A man went to the airport check-in terminal. As he placed his bags on the scale he told the attendant "Ok, now I want you to send one of these bags to Denver, one to Chicago and one to Toledo."
"I'm sorry sir, we can't do that" said the attendant.
"Why not? You did it last time!"
"I'm sorry sir, we can't do that" said the attendant.
"Why not? You did it last time!"
Two gentlemen arrived at the Pearly Gates. One a pastor, one a politician. St Peter said "gentlemen, nice to see you". He says "we have a fine place for each of you ready to go, just follow me".
He continues "first Mr Pastor let me show you your new home". He shows him a nice little one room home with a table, a chair and a reading lamp. "Thank you sir" said the pastor.
He shows the politician his new home next. A multi room mansion with servants and lots of beautiful accessories. "Here you go" he says. The politician says "now wait a second, how come such an honorable man received such a humble abode and I receive such decadence?" St Peter pauses and says "sir we have thousands of pastors already but you're the first politician to make it here".
He continues "first Mr Pastor let me show you your new home". He shows him a nice little one room home with a table, a chair and a reading lamp. "Thank you sir" said the pastor.
He shows the politician his new home next. A multi room mansion with servants and lots of beautiful accessories. "Here you go" he says. The politician says "now wait a second, how come such an honorable man received such a humble abode and I receive such decadence?" St Peter pauses and says "sir we have thousands of pastors already but you're the first politician to make it here".
Hooked on Fenix
Flashlight Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2007
- Messages
- 3,034
Three guys die in a drunk driving accident. They appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Peter says, “Since it’s Christmastime, if you hand me something Christmas related, I’ll let you in.” The first guy pulls out a lighter, uses it, and says, “It’s a candle.” Peter lets him in. The second guy takes out his keys and shakes them. He says, “They’re bells.” Peter let’s him in. The third guy pulls out red women’s bikini cut underwear from his pocket. He says, “They’re Carol’s”.
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What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Light blue.
A bull and a pheasant were grazing a field. The pheasant looked up at the top of a tree and said "oh there was a time when I could reach the top of that tree".The bull replied "you can get to the top of the tree, just eat some of my dung and you'll reach it in a fortnight". The pheasant said "oh come on what kind of rubbish is that?" The bull said "really, just try it and you'll see. All of humanity is on it". So the peasant started pecking on the dung and sure enough in a fortnight he found himself at the top of the tree. He was just beginning to enjoy the scenery when an old farmer pulled out his shotgun and shot the pheasant.
Moral of the story; bull**** can get you to the top but it never lets you stay there.
Moral of the story; bull**** can get you to the top but it never lets you stay there.
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
I've tried this one around and getting lots of mileage from it....thanks. Some get it right away, others not so quickly if at all.
Dave
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Or "Blue Light"? (Labatt beer)What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Reminds me of a supposed case where a guy driving a very heavy truck carrying lights, which was painted white, saw a
road-sign "light trucks only" and decided to proceed...
Dave
A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi were stuck on a Lifeboat after the cruise ship they were on; sank. Along came a shark, tipped the boat over; and ate them! Well, except for the lawyer. No, the shark wasn't full. Just a case of showing professional courtesy to his own kind.
A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist decide to go fishing.
They row their boat a ways from shore, and realize that they left the bait on shore.
The Priest says... "I'll get it." He jumps overboard and walks to shore, and returns with the bait.
The Atheist is shocked to see this "man of the cloth" walk on water!
Not too much time goes by before it is lunch time, and lunch was left on the beach. The Rabbi says, "I'll get it." He jumps over the side of the boat and walks to shore.
Again the Atheist is stunned,
When the Rabbi returns, he said, "I brought the sandwiches back, but couldn't manage the cooler with the drinks in it too."
They both looked at the Atheist. He figured, Oh Well! And jumped overboard. Straight to the bottom he went. Fortunately it was only 6 feet deep. He swam to shore, and struggled getting the cooler to float, as he pulled it towards the boat.
Both men of the cloth watched the Atheist struggle with a smirk on their faces.
One turned to the other and asked... "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"
They row their boat a ways from shore, and realize that they left the bait on shore.
The Priest says... "I'll get it." He jumps overboard and walks to shore, and returns with the bait.
The Atheist is shocked to see this "man of the cloth" walk on water!
Not too much time goes by before it is lunch time, and lunch was left on the beach. The Rabbi says, "I'll get it." He jumps over the side of the boat and walks to shore.
Again the Atheist is stunned,
When the Rabbi returns, he said, "I brought the sandwiches back, but couldn't manage the cooler with the drinks in it too."
They both looked at the Atheist. He figured, Oh Well! And jumped overboard. Straight to the bottom he went. Fortunately it was only 6 feet deep. He swam to shore, and struggled getting the cooler to float, as he pulled it towards the boat.
Both men of the cloth watched the Atheist struggle with a smirk on their faces.
One turned to the other and asked... "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"
A woman came home from church to find a burglar inside stealing her belongings. She hollered "stop! Acts 2:38". That is a verse that says "repent and be baptized". The burglar froze. She called the police. While the policeman was handcuffing the burglar he asked "why did you freeze when she cited Bible scripture?" The burlar replied "Bible scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and 2-38's"
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PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
An encyclopedia is like a printed copy of Google
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
You can tune a piano...but can you tuna fish?
Dave
Dave
A man approaches a farmer and asks "can I cross your field? I need to catch the 4:23 train".
The farmer said "go ahead and if my bull sees you, you might make the 4:11 train".
The farmer said "go ahead and if my bull sees you, you might make the 4:11 train".
"I spilled spot remover on my dog.. now he's gone"
fulee9999
Enlightened
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2021
- Messages
- 673
guys we seriously need a serious-face-nose-exhale-chuckling-inside emoji for this thread 
also, to be ontopic as well:
Why does dracula always bite people in the neck?
also, to be ontopic as well:
Why does dracula always bite people in the neck?
Because he's a neck romancer
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
"I see" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Dave
Dave
ironhorse
Enlightened
There is a blind man nearby that is a furniture and cabinet builder. He works in his shop with power tools that could cut a limb off easily. It freaks people out at first, him working with power tools with no lights on.
Prosthetics are expensive - They want an arm or a leg for one.
