Two gentlemen arrived at the Pearly Gates. One a pastor, one a politician. St Peter said "gentlemen, nice to see you". He says "we have a fine place for each of you ready to go, just follow me".
He continues "first Mr Pastor let me show you your new home". He shows him a nice little one room home with a table, a chair and a reading lamp. "Thank you sir" said the pastor.
He shows the politician his new home next. A multi room mansion with servants and lots of beautiful accessories. "Here you go" he says. The politician says "now wait a second, how come such an honorable man received such a humble abode and I receive such decadence?" St Peter pauses and says "sir we have thousands of pastors already but you're the first politician to make it here".
Three guys die in a drunk driving accident. They appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Peter says, “Since it’s Christmastime, if you hand me something Christmas related, I’ll let you in.” The first guy pulls out a lighter, uses it, and says, “It’s a candle.” Peter lets him in. The second guy takes out his keys and shakes them. He says, “They’re bells.” Peter let’s him in. The third guy pulls out red women’s bikini cut underwear from his pocket. He says, “They’re Carol’s”.
A bull and a pheasant were grazing a field. The pheasant looked up at the top of a tree and said "oh there was a time when I could reach the top of that tree".The bull replied "you can get to the top of the tree, just eat some of my dung and you'll reach it in a fortnight". The pheasant said "oh come on what kind of rubbish is that?" The bull said "really, just try it and you'll see. All of humanity is on it". So the peasant started pecking on the dung and sure enough in a fortnight he found himself at the top of the tree. He was just beginning to enjoy the scenery when an old farmer pulled out his shotgun and shot the pheasant.
Moral of the story; bull**** can get you to the top but it never lets you stay there.
A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi were stuck on a Lifeboat after the cruise ship they were on; sank. Along came a shark, tipped the boat over; and ate them! Well, except for the lawyer. No, the shark wasn't full. Just a case of showing professional courtesy to his own kind.
A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist decide to go fishing.
They row their boat a ways from shore, and realize that they left the bait on shore.
The Priest says... "I'll get it." He jumps overboard and walks to shore, and returns with the bait.
The Atheist is shocked to see this "man of the cloth" walk on water!
Not too much time goes by before it is lunch time, and lunch was left on the beach. The Rabbi says, "I'll get it." He jumps over the side of the boat and walks to shore.
Again the Atheist is stunned,
When the Rabbi returns, he said, "I brought the sandwiches back, but couldn't manage the cooler with the drinks in it too."
They both looked at the Atheist. He figured, Oh Well! And jumped overboard. Straight to the bottom he went. Fortunately it was only 6 feet deep. He swam to shore, and struggled getting the cooler to float, as he pulled it towards the boat.
Both men of the cloth watched the Atheist struggle with a smirk on their faces.
One turned to the other and asked... "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"
A woman came home from church to find a burglar inside stealing her belongings. She hollered "stop! Acts 2:38". That is a verse that says "repent and be baptized". The burglar froze. She called the police. While the policeman was handcuffing the burglar he asked "why did you freeze when she cited Bible scripture?" The burlar replied "Bible scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and 2-38's"
There is a blind man nearby that is a furniture and cabinet builder. He works in his shop with power tools that could cut a limb off easily. It freaks people out at first, him working with power tools with no lights on.