PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
It's so cold I saw a guy in a red suit trying to jump start a reindeer.
there are some Jokes
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PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
I searched for Google on Google. I wound up in a parallel dimension
Whatever you do, don't eat the cake. It's still a lie. 🎂
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Q: When is an opera singer not an opera singer?
A: When he or she has become a little horse.
Dave
A: When he or she has become a little horse.
Dave
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation
as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital
and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is STERNUM."
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation
as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital
and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is STERNUM."
I stand behind Alec Baldwin -
It's safer that way.
It's safer that way.
I'd like to sit in front of the jerk while a jury hangs the sob!
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Why is a certain city in Ireland so large?
Because it's always Dublin' .
Dave
Because it's always Dublin' .
Dave
Patrick and Michael were lifelong friends, from a small town in Ireland. Every Saturday night they met at local pub to lament the sorry state of the world, and how if they were in charge they would make things right. After a particularly Guinness-soaked evening, Patrick said "Michael, you're my best friend in the world. If I should die first, would you do me the honor of pouring a bottle of good Irish Whisky on me grave?"
Michael was touched, and told Patrick it would be his honor. Then he asked "Would you mind too terribly if I gave it a personal touch, and passed it through me kidneys first?"
Michael was touched, and told Patrick it would be his honor. Then he asked "Would you mind too terribly if I gave it a personal touch, and passed it through me kidneys first?"
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
As far as I can recall I have a bad memory.
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Did you hear about the Insomniac, Agnostic Dyslexic?
Up all night pondering "is there a Dog?".
Dave
Up all night pondering "is there a Dog?".
Dave
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
People call me ugly. But once they look at my wallet, they also call me poor.
Sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield line.
chillinn
Flashlight Enthusiast
Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
PhotonWrangler
Flashaholic
No respect, I tell ya!Sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield line.
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
What has long floppy ears and staggers a lot?
The Ether Bunny.
Dave
The Ether Bunny.
Dave
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield line.
Or Groucho Marx perhaps....?
I'd love to see a show where Don Rickles and Phyllis Diller went head to head.
Dave_H
Flashlight Enthusiast
Guy goes to fridge, opens it to find a rabbit asleep inside. He starts talking to it, although not expecting a reply.
"Well what are you doing in there?"
Rabbit wakes up and starts talking.
"I'm a wabbit and this is my westing-house".
Dave
"Well what are you doing in there?"
Rabbit wakes up and starts talking.
"I'm a wabbit and this is my westing-house".
Dave
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
