there are some Jokes

bykfixer

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Even more Chuck Norris humor:
Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars. He was The Force.
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he is pushing the earth down.
While learning CPR, Chuck Norris brought the practice dummy back to life.
The Boogie Man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris can lift a chair with one hand, while he is sitting on it.
Chuck Norris wears shoes to protect sharp objects from his feet.
Chuck Norris was bitten by a black mamba. After three days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
When Chuck Norris enters a room he doesn't turn the lights on, he scares the darkness away.
How many push ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris bowled a perfect 300.....with a tennis ball.
 

bykfixer

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Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice.

He played Russian Roulette with a loaded gun and won.

The day he was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

He can killed two stones with one bird.

He won an arm wrestling contest with both hands behind his back.

He was born May 6th 1945. The nazis surrendered May 7th 1945.

He once round house kicked a horse. That's how giraffes were invented.
 

Monocrom

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Two Mormons walk into a Bar.... They are immediately served two glasses of water on the House without having to say a word.
 

PhotonWrangler

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
 

Monocrom

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
I liked how you cleaned it up. There is a more "Blue" version of that joke involving 2 ears of corn and $100,000.
 

Dave_H

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My jokes are usually the sort which can be told in almost any setting, this one being a bit of an exception; with a Scottish theme.


"What's worn under the kilt?"

(indignant response):

"Nothing's worn, it's all in perfect working condition!"

Dave
 

Monocrom

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What do you get when you cross an SUV with a large sedan.... a horrendous car wreck!
 

buckyball

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A joke from when covid19 lockdowns were happening..





I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.



He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!
 

desert.snake

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Sometimes funny situations happen due to typos. The company hired the wrong Santa, had to cancel the event ahead of time
 

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Monocrom

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Sometimes funny situations happen due to typos. The company hired the wrong Santa, had to cancel the event ahead of time
Proof that Spell-Check is evil!
Pluck out the "N" from the middle and put it on the end.
Now the other immortal man in the red suit shows up at your party. :devilish:
 

buckyball

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A guy I knew in prison just killed himself.

A guy I met in prison, Dave, was always so happy and nice when I knew him. Sometimes, it was hard to associate him with the cold hearted killer I knew him to be. He was so mild-mannered, in fact, that he didn't even mind when we started calling him "D-d-dave" in reference to his stutter. He always had a huge smile plastered across his face, or was roaring with laughter that never failed to fill the room.
It just doesn't make sense that such a happy guy could switch up like that, could feel so differently inside, that he'd actually commit suicide. Then again, thinking about it, he never could finish a sentence.
 

buckyball

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A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.



Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days.


Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"
 

buckyball

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…


Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 

buckyball

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
 
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