there are some Jokes

Poppy

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
Unfortunately for me, when I was in high school, we often told jokes during chemistry lab classes. My group typically finished quickly, so we had plenty of time for fooling around. It ruined many a joke for me, because I can now often predict the punch line despite never having heard the particular joke.
Of course the LAYWER would lie such that HE could get the cash.

It was funny, none-the-less. The story made me chuckle before the punch line was delivered.
 

buckyball

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A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."
"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.
"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius couldn't paint to save his live."
 

Dave_H

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A Christmas riddle from the past:

The Animal, Vegetable, and Mineral Kingdoms all wish you a Merry Christmas.

What are the three "you's"?


Dave
 

PhotonWrangler

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santa.jpg
 

Poppy

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How much does it take to get Santa's sleigh to fly?
8 or 9 bucks
According to my daughter, Santa's reindeer are all female.
Because they still have antlers while pulling the sleigh.

In winter, hormone stimulation to the male reindeer's antlers wanes as daylight shortens. (Female reindeer don't lose their antlers until calving time; spring or summer.)
 

buckyball

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Putin is woken up by one of his generals.
renderTimingPixel.png

The general says, "Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to talk about surrender."
Putin replies, "Sure! Get Zelensky on the phone with me."
The general asks, "What phone? They're right here!"
 

PhotonWrangler

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According to my daughter, Santa's reindeer are all female.
Because they still have antlers while pulling the sleigh.

In winter, hormone stimulation to the male reindeer's antlers wanes as daylight shortens. (Female reindeer don't lose their antlers until calving time; spring or summer.)
Interesting. When I think about it, most of the reindeer's names in the story are more or less gender-neutral. We have Dasher, Prancer, Donner, Vixen, Comet, Cupid and Blitzen.

I'm lookin' at you, Rudolph. :yellowlaugh:
 
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Interesting. When I think about it, most of the reindeer's names in the story are more or less gender-neutral. We have Dasher, Prancer, Donner, Vixen, Comet, Cupid and Blitzen.

I'm lookin' at you, Rudolph. :yellowlaugh:
Rudolph is taking hormones. Hence, the reason for his antlers being attached so late in the year
 

buckyball

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Jim was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Jim took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Jim asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Jim asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Jim asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed homeless man.

"Well," said Jim, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Gayle."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Jim replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
 

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