there are some Jokes

Dave_H

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Nov 3, 2009
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Ottawa Ont. Canada
Not a joke in itself, but lots of funny tee-shirts here. The shirts themselves cost, but looking is free!



Dave
 

bykfixer

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Dust in the Wind
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buckyball

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Mar 18, 2014
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England UK
A driver was pulled over for speeding





The cop approaches and says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver replies, "Yeah yeah, make it quick; I just robbed a bank and I just lost those cops a few miles back."

"Really?" as the cop starts taking notes, "All by yourself?"

"Nah, I had a partner but I shot him! He's in the trunk; I also have to smuggle the 20kg of cocaine next to him soon, so can you just please hurry up?"

"Yah, I'm calling for backup"

The cop takes the driver's keys and puts him in handcuffs; 10 minutes later, two squad cars each with a pair of officers arrive and inspect the man's vehicle. They kept looking and looking, but they can't find the money, corpse, nor the cocaine.

One of the latter cops, the sergeant, goes to the driver to apologize.

"I'm sorry to inconvenience you sir; but our man told us you robbed a bank, killed a man, and was about to smuggle coke."

"What?! I assure you that a God-fearing man like me will never do any abhorrent deed."

"Yes, our mistake."

"I bet that ******* also said I was speeding!"
 
Joined
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Pacific N.W.
A little person informed his doctor that both of his testicles were experiencing horrible pain. After examining them the doctor retrieved a very menacing pair of surgical shears. At the sight of his doctor approaching with the shears little man became terrified, begging to be anesthetized. The doctor smiled and assured little man he wouldn't feel a thing. That's when little man passed out. Awaking a few minutes later, little man was thrilled to see his doctor washing his hands and assuring him he was done. Little man stood up and was amazed that he was no longer in pain. "Doc, You're a miracle worker!"

His doctor replied, "No, not really. I just removed the top two inches from your cowboy boots."
 

buckyball

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Mar 18, 2014
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England UK
Salesman of the Year





A young man went to the new MegaMall looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dallas." The manager liked the young man so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The salesman said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$124,237.64"

The manager choked and exclaimed $124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and a fishing rod with reel. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Yellowfin. Then he said he didn't think his Kia Soul would pull it, so I took him over to car sales and I sold him the 4x4."

The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No, actually he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I told him since his weekend is pretty well screwed, he might as well go fishing."
 

buckyball

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Mar 18, 2014
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England UK
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.





A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Policeman: "About a gallon."
 

buckyball

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Mar 18, 2014
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England UK
A man is driving down the road...





and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man in the same car breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

"If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the

exact number of grains of sand on the planet."

"When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, "I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found what you had asked for."

"There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand grains on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and now you are a monk."

"We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "the sound is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provides it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. Again after asking for the key and

receiving it, he opens the sapphire door.

And there's yet another door. And so the doors keep coming and needing to be opened. Eventually the man goes through doors of emerald,

silver,

topaz,

Gold,

Diamond,

and amethyst.

Finally at this amethyst door, the monks says, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, opens the door and behind it he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight…

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
 

Monocrom

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Joined
Aug 27, 2006
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20,794
Location
NYC
Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.





A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, What's going on?" Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations." Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average." Policeman: "About a gallon."
Saw that punchline coming about 50 miles away! :crackup:
 

buckyball

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Joined
Mar 18, 2014
Messages
82
Location
England UK
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.





"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
 

buckyball

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Joined
Mar 18, 2014
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Location
England UK
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.



Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money."

The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!"

Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
 

buckyball

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Mar 18, 2014
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England UK
Two stoners on bikes were riding through downtown where they saw an old building with ornate decorations that they had to stop to admire. One of the stoners says to the other: this building is so beautiful, man, that I wish it was closer to our house so I can look at it all day. The other stoner agrees and suggests that they try to push the building all the way to their neighborhood. They dismount their bikes and put them on the sidewalk as they make their way to the side of the building and start pushing. While they are doing that, and without noticing, a guy comes and steals their bikes. After a long time of pushing the two stoners decide to take a break. One of them starts to wonder if they were able to push the building at all, when the other says: well, one thing I can tell you, is that we pushed this building so much so that I can't see our bikes from here.
 

buckyball

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Joined
Mar 18, 2014
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England UK
New Covid Variant Test.
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1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
 

Monocrom

Flashaholic
Joined
Aug 27, 2006
Messages
20,794
Location
NYC
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.





"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
When you're so drunk, you can't tell the difference between brass and gold. 😉
 
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