there are some Jokes

Joined
Mar 12, 2010
Messages
10,354
Location
Pacific N.W.
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry. He stated: "If GM had kept up with technology as the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles per gallon."

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
What's scarier is that if Microsoft had gone into automobile manufacturing and dominated the industry as they normally do, then we'd have to deal with the following:
Every time they repainted the lines on the
road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your
car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, making them run much slower.
The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
 

buckyball

Newly Enlightened
Joined
Mar 18, 2014
Messages
78
Location
England UK
Old lady enters the bank with $450K in cash





She says she wants to open an account and deposit the money there, and proceeds to put a big pile of bills in the counter.

This catches the eye of the Banks manager, Mr Barry, who, with a smile, says he will take care of this and invites her to his office.

They start the paperwork for opening the account and the manager starts asking some questions

"Here at The Somerset Bank we are glad to have you as a client Mrs Smith, but regulations require us to investigate the origin of large quantities of money.

Would you mind telling us where it comes from?"

"It's quite simple, I'm very good at betting"

"Bets? sports betting?"

"Well, I usually bet on less common matters"

"Like what?"

"Well, maybe you'd like to go against me on one of such bets. I bet $200K that your balls are not round, they are square"

The manager is surprised by that.

"You mean my testicles??"

"Yes, your testicles, I bet $200K they are square"

The manager hesitates, he's sure as hell his balls are not square, and she certainly has the money, so he thinks this is an easy bet to win without risking anything.

"Okay then, you got yourself a bet Mrs Smith!" And they shake hands.

The lady says: "since the amount is so high, I would like to bring a notary to witness so there's no disputes, we will come tomorrow morning"

The manager agrees to the deal and says goodbye to the lady. That night, just to make sure, he looked at his balls in the mirror, reassuring himself as he started to think what he was going to spend the money on.

The next day, the lady appears in the office with a man accompanying him and the manager takes them to his office.

There, the lady asks him to take out his pants and underwear, and he complies, a bit nervous.

Lady says: "I'll need to check them with my own hands, it's a big amount of money and I need to make sure"

The manager agrees, it is a big amount of money after all.

She starts touching the balls and looking them closely and says "yes, I think they might be round", and at the same time, the notary starts banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him!!??" asks the manager.

"I told you I was good at betting Mr Barry, I might have lost $200K to you, but yesterday I bet this guy $800K that by this morning I would have the balls of the manager of the Bank of Somerset in my own hands!!"
 

buckyball

Newly Enlightened
Joined
Mar 18, 2014
Messages
78
Location
England UK
A young blonde girl from California in her late teens, who moved to Texas, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby up scale neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $20 tip "Thank you," the gal said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus…"
 

Toulouse42

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
240
Location
Jersey
I was talking to my friend Barry the other day. He has a terrible problem with diarrhoea. Apparently every member of his family for several generations has suffered this way. It runs in his jeans.
 

Toulouse42

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
240
Location
Jersey
Mind you Barry has several health issues. He went to the doctor recently complaining of a problem with his "manhood". It was a lady doctor. She asked him to take his pants down so she could examine him. There it was, tiny, really tiny, only the size of a AAA battery. So she laughed until the tears ran down her face. Eventually, embarrassed, she composed herself. "I'm truly sorry" she said "that was very unprofessional of me. I promise it won't happen again. Please tell me what the problem is"




Barry said




"It's swollen"
 

letschat7

Flashlight Enthusiast
Joined
Dec 7, 2022
Messages
2,469
Location
West Virginia, North America
..then I can gargle with Cristal.. 100047_big.jpg
I remember wanting this back then. $1000 a bottle but that may be club prices.
 
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