Spouse Dealing with Flashaholism

OK, last night I got "the talk"

It started around dinner time when my 4 year old wouldn't eat her vegetables. She was crying and screaming, throwing a 4 year old style tantrum. Well mommy sent her to bed. This was around 6:30pm, a little earlier than normal.

She fell asleep but then woke up around 8:30pm (normal bed time) and wanted to cuddle with mommy cause they had a "fight". So mommy goes into her room and cuddles in her bed. It gets dark around 8:45-9:00pm now, so when I came up to bed (just before 10pm - gotta watch the 10 o'clock Seinfeld on FOX) it was dark. Naturally I had a flashlight on me, my SF Digital L1 Lumamax and used it to navigate the stairs and into the bedrooms. Shined it into 4 year old's bedroom to see who was in there, my wife and 4 year old, my wife starts with the frown cause it hit her in the face. I only used the low setting, but in pitch black it's still bright.

She's pissed cause I "flashed" her in the eyes. I get the "what is it with you and these flashlights?" then she launches into, "I've put up with all your other quirks, but this flashlight thing is just bizzare." Then she rolls into the "just how much did all these lights cost?" well I was trapped. If I told her the actual amount she would freak, so I know I'm getting cornered here and she's playing it masterfully. My response, "OK, what's going to make you understand or stop complaining?"

Ended up that I agreed to pay her VISA bill this month and she'll back off on the "bizzare" talk.

Boy did I get taken for a ride...but I guess that's the price I have to pay for my wife having to deal with my flashaholism. :shrug:

BTW, I told her I was going to have to relay this story to all the other flashaholics on CPF. She just rolled her eyes.


(In all seriousness she is awesome for putting up with my "quirks")

you need to sign a IOU dude!!!

j/k.

i think that if you told her the price of all the lights you buy that day, she would stare in black space for awhile, then find something to assault you with.

Blazer said:

OK, last night I got "the talk"


Ended up that I agreed to pay her VISA bill this month and she'll back off on the "bizzare" talk.

Boy did I get taken for a ride...but I guess that's the price I have to pay for my wife having to deal with my flashaholism. :shrug:

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You got off so easy, you have no idea. I have to pay my wife's VISA bill, MC, SEARS, Target, etc etc etc. AND all the other bills every month! She never asks about the flashlights. She is just glad that I am home and she knows WHERE I am every night. :lolsign:

Sometimes being a counsellor is handy. I would recommend a listening response as a deflection--"So you're still upset about the fight?"
(Of course I'm not married so it's all theoretical! )
Greg

Blazer said:

Ended up that I agreed to pay her VISA bill this month and she'll back off on the "bizzare" talk. (In all seriousness she is awesome for putting up with my "quirks")

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Smart thinking! Pay off those credit cards!
IMHO I think its great to have a hobby and Flashaholism is a fun one but I think many people get too caught up in it. I hear people all the time trying to "justify" all the money they spend on lights. (For example most people don't really "need" a SF M6!) The popular "buy 'em both" slogan on here is not helping! LOL! Folks just need to own up that this is a hobby and trying to reason or justify it is not going to make sense to others. Plan a budget for them and don't go over it! Let your spouse know what your hobby budget is and that it is just that, a hobby. You will both be better off!

Donovan said:

Smart thinking! Pay off those credit cards!
IMHO I think its great to have a hobby and Flashaholism is a fun one but I think many people get too caught up in it. I hear people all the time trying to "justify" all the money they spend on lights. (For example most people don't really "need" a SF M6!) The popular "buy 'em both" slogan on here is not helping! LOL! Folks just need to own up that this is a hobby and trying to reason or justify it is not going to make sense to others. Plan a budget for them and don't go over it! Let your spouse know what your hobby budget is and that it is just that, a hobby. You will both be better off!

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:thanks:

The more I think about it the more I wonder how much was an orchestrated plot to get me to pay the VISA without complaint. And I got off real easy, her VISA this month was only $98.00
And, actually we don't really have a "yours and mine" relationship, it's an "us" thing. All income goes into one account and ALL bills are paid out of that account, so the arguments over paying bills is mostly joking around. Rule is, anything over $100 should be discussed/mentioned to the other.

It's all good.:lolsign:

Blazer said:

:thanks:
The more I think about it the more I wonder how much was an orchestrated plot to get me to pay the VISA without complaint. And I got off real easy, her VISA this month was only $98.00 it's all good.:lolsign:

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Yep you did get off easy! LOL!
I guess I'm on a "pay off card" rant lately as I am just recently credit card debt free!!! It feels very good! Of course I still have a ways to go to pay off the other debt but I'm getting there!

Also I have just recently noticed how far some folks go to justify their light(s). Actually, it's even kinda humorous if you take a step back and look at it with "non-flashaholic" eyes. (flame suit on!)

GregWormald said:

Sometimes being a counsellor is handy. I would recommend a listening response as a deflection--"So you're still upset about the fight?"
(Of course I'm not married so it's all theoretical! )

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I would NOT recommend suggesting to your spouse that the reason she is mad at you is because she's just upset about something else. Guaranteed to escalate an argument!
I know because I have TWO frivilous hobbies to explain to my wife- flashlights and Lego.

Blazer said:

OK, last night I got "the talk"
...
She's pissed cause I "flashed" her in the eyes. I get the "what is it with you and these flashlights?"... well I was trapped.

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You should've hit her with the "high" setting... :duck:
:lolsign:

(I must admit I've been "in your shoes" more than once... I feel your pain, brother)

You might do one of the following if the subject ever comes up again:

1) Point out that the flashlights have some real utility besides being just a hobby. This is more than can be said for many other hobbies, such as collecting figurines or baseball cards, where the collections have no intrinsic value and absolutely no utility.

2) Mention that all work and no play makes Blazer a dull boy. Seriously, the more complex the mind the greater the need for the simplicity of play. Not to mention how many great inventions have been thought of during apparently idle time.

3) Tell her that the important bills get paid first, and the flashlights come out of discretionary income. I can certainly side with someone if the necessary bills aren't being paid on account of a hobby, but if that's not the case, everyone is entitled to spend a little on themselves now and then.

4) If your wife doesn't have a hobby, suggest that she get one. This was a huge source of friction in my parent's marriage. My late father had a bunch of hobbies over the course of 45 years of marriage (coins, stamps, HO trains, figurines, baseball cards, other sports cards, tropical fish, bowling just to mention a few). My mom objected in part because she really had any hobbies besides gardening, and also because my dad spent all the discretionary income on himself. Sure, Dad paid all the house bills, but there was never money for extras for anyone except himself. Maybe my mom would have had a different attitude if she was able to have a few hobbies of her own. Even when she went back to work, all her money went for things my dad didn't consider necessary such as repairs on the house, more than three outfits for me and my siblings, college expenses, etc.

In closing, threads like this make me glad I'm not married and especially that I don't have kids. I don't need to justify what I spend on my hobbies to anyone although truth be told I'm very frugal anyway. I've yet to purchase an expensive flashlight despite being on this site for over two years. Truth is my main interest is LEDs and general lighting rather than flashlights so maybe all told I've spent roughly $500 since I got the bug. Almost all of this was on bags of LEDs, mostly from eBay. I may one day buy an expensive LED flashlight, but I consider modding more fun and more creative.

I'm glad you got off fairly easy this time but in the future you might want to have a frank discussion with your wife about hobbies. There's nothing wrong with hobbies so long as they don't siphon money from necessities, or cause you to ignore your family to the point of neglect (another problem with my dad's hobbies).

jtr1962
Some very common sense advice, thanks.

The only thing I'd question is your "thankfully I'm not married" comment. All this stuff is an interesting footnote to sharing the things that are really important with the one you love, and as for kids, they really are a gift from God. Boy-oh-boy were my eyes closed to the world before I had kids. Your whole perspective changes (IMHO for the better) because now you have to put your own life in perspective of what do you want to leave when eventually you depart this earth and your kids are left holding the proverbial bag. Makes you want to be a better person. And the word "love" is not a big enough word to describe how parents feel about their kids.

Thanks again for the good advice.

Blazer said:

jtr1962
Some very common sense advice, thanks.

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You're quite welcome. I've seen both sides of the coin as far as hobbies go living with my parents for most of my 43 years, so I'm glad my experience is helpful.

The only thing I'd question is your "thankfully I'm not married" comment.

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Yes, I've heard that one before. I haven't closed my mind completely to the idea of marriage yet but I've only met one person in my entire life so far with whom I might have even considered it, and that was 24 years ago. As for kids, I just never wanted them at all. I don't really like them, plus I utterly incapable of extending myself to more than one person. In short, I'm probably a lot like my father who would have been better off never getting married, and especially never having kids. Not too long before he died, he even said if he had to do it over again, he never would have gotten married. I know myself well enough to know that at best marriage with the right person would work for me, but raising children never would. Besides that, I'll be 44 in November. Were I to meet someone tomorrow and decide to start a family, I would probably be pushing 50 by the time I got my affairs in order to start a family, and would be worrying about college expenses in my 70s. This isn't even getting into the fact that with my fairly advanced CTS and a few other health issues I'm incapable of earning enough to support even myself, let alone a family. Anyway, thanks for sharing your point of view on the matter. I'm glad you enjoy your family as lots of others around here do.

I'm still a student, so my wife and I are still poor enough that just about any purchase gets discussed in advance. Even so, we set aside a predetermined sum of money every paycheck for fun money. It's not much, but it provides an outlet when one of us wants to buy something frivolous. As long as I let her get stuff she wants now and then, she doesn't object to the occasional flashlight purchase. Of course, the P1 I just ordered is the most expensive flashlight I have bought so far. I don't know if I'll ever get around to buying Surefires.

By the way, we just finished paying off the car we bought about a year ago with a four year loan, and the only credit card debt we have is normal budgetary stuff that gets planned for and paid off every month. Gotta love the REI rewards card.

I run things a bit differently....

My wife and I both work full time. We both have our own bank accounts, own credit cards, etc....

My responsibilities include the house, my car, utilities, car insurance (for us both), and whenever I get asked for money from her. I also pay my one credit card.

She takes care of her car payment, daycare for our daughter, and most of her credit card bills (I pay a few of them once in a while). She also sells baby clothes on ebay that she gets at the thrift store. I love this, because it gives her something to do (buy them) and then she has to put them on ebay (sell them). It takes up enough of her time that she doesn't bother me much.

I also usually fill up the cars when they are empty.

She doesn't usually question me about a new light in the mail other than to ask "How much was that one." I habitually tell her it costs about 50% of what it really did, to which she still rolls her eyes. I think she knows I'm fibbing, but she doesn't say anything.

Our arrangement works because I know that if we had a "joint account" she would spend it all. Period. She spends her money on what she wants, most of which either ends up thrown away, sold at the flea market, or put on ebay. The money she makes on ebay is spent on other junk.

I realize that she would probably label my lights as "junk" also, but that is fine. The point of all this is, I have my money, she has her money, and we both get what we can afford. The house/cars/bills always come first for both of us, but we like our arrangement just fine.

As for marriage itself, the 2nd best thing I ever did......1st best was our daughter

dragoman

In terms of the cost of my flashlights, i've always tell my wife, u wouldn't want to know and she would leave it at that. She knows that my hobbies are never cheap from the beginning, therefore questioning the amount would get her nowhere. As long as the monthly bills are paid and we have enough to live by and spoilt ourselves occasionally, i believe that we are quite contented for now.

But as me and my wife are expecting the arrival of my son anytime soon, maybe some adjustment need to be made in the near future but somehow i believe that we can managed everthing in time,


alvin

Aww, man! She's on to you, man. You can see this repeating every month, no? ...

My wife is very tolerant of my flashlight obsession after The Talk.

Started out with the typical 'what is with this flashlight thing?'

'Why, whats the problem?' I asked.

'Its....flashlights....' she said with that mocking exasperated look.

'I could easily do handguns, shotguns, and rifles.' I said.

pause

'Flashlights are fine.'

End of The Talk.

Seriously, it is a relatively harmless and useful 'hobby' to have. Like others have said, way better than collecting stuff that you can't use.