Seriously folks, tips on telling the inlaws?

Diesel_Bomber

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Hey folks, need some help on a serious matter.

My wife and I got married last week. Her father thinks I'm slime and doesn't respect me in the slightest. He made his opinion clear the first time we met over a decade ago. When he came to visit my place for the first(and only) time ~5 years ago, I threw him off my property in short order. My wife's(I get the biggest grin every time I say/write/type that) mother likes me; we really get along well. I honestly don't know why she married her husband or why she's stayed with him. Obviously there's a lot of redeeming qualities to him that I've not seen, much like his view of me. Upon hearing that we finally got married, my MIL will ask why the heck didn't we do so years ago? My wife's(!!!) father will show up on my doorstep screaming. He has stated several times that he'd disown her if she married me.

This is going to be brutal, no matter what. Any tips for damage control?

Thanks all. :buddies:
 

Lightmeup

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His approval obviously was not wanted or needed. I would just be low-key and wait for him to stick his foot in his mouth, which sounds like an inevitability. Then you can be the voice of reason and rationality and come up smelling like a rose. If you don't get into it with him or go on offense, your wife and MIL will have no reason to be mad at you. What do you think?
 

Diesel_Bomber

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That's exactly the plan, unless someone comes up with something better. :)
It's still going to be uuuuuuuuugly, though.

Thanks. :buddies:

Edit: I was hoping someone else had been in a similar situation, on either side of the coin, and could offer suggestions on what would have made their own situation better and/or might help mine. Maybe diffuse this a bit before it gets bad. It is going to get bad. I wasn't joking when I said the FIL will be on my doorstep screaming. I wouldn't care normally, but it'll be hard on Jess, and obviously I care about her.
 
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Sigman

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Offer to give him the "good news or the bad news"...tell him she's pregnant and you got married!

Then tell him you're kidding about the baby?! :ohgeez:

I'm sorry - you did say "seriously"...
 

Diesel_Bomber

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Hahahahahaha, while I don't think that'll work, it did give me a hell of a laugh. Thanks!
 

TigerhawkT3

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Your new FIL could feel protective of his daughter, especially if she's his only daughter. I think if you talk to him seriously and make it clear that your current goal in life is to provide for his daughter and make her happy, he might - MIGHT - come around.

Please note that I am only 20 years old and have no experience whatsoever with inlaws. I've spent a lot of time around psychology, though. :crazy:

Good luck with your new father-in-law -

and CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MARRIAGE! "majQa'," as Klingons would say (it means "well done").
 

allthatwhichis

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I'd give him the big finger if he came up to my door screaming. Then I'd leave him there, open the back door for his wife. His wife and daughter should sort him out. If you make her happy then who cares what he thinks. It's not his life. I assume, safely I think, that your wife is an adult. Again, your her decision.

I also assume, maybe not safely, that he knows and understands what it is to be an American and to be, relatively, free, AND live in a democratic society. The MIL is on your side, looks like 3 to 1 to me. He loses, tell him to stuff it, actually get his wife to. I'm surprised she hasn't if he's been an *** this long.

Maybe you just need to get him a laser or flashlight, then he will understand you are not slime, a geek maybe, but not slime.
 

270winchester

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a suicide bomber covered in diesel, sounds pretty slimey to me.... :D

On a serious note, ask him to a backyard BBQ with the family present and break it to him openly. Even if he doesn't have the class do it for your own self-respect and stand hte moral highground.

Just treat your wife with the same TLC as you probably already do and keep him quiet. What can he do beyond contempt?
 

RA40

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Sit him down...hand him a beer and look him straight in the eye and say: "For a moment I was a bit worried but I understand that my wife was adpoted...there is no way she could be blood relations with a _____ like you." :D Just be out of arms reach. ;)

But seriously, stand your ground and tell him "we're married now and it upsets your daughter to have you treat me this way...accept that we are married and let's get along."

If he remains belligerent then tell mo-in-law you would prefer he not visit until his attitude changes. Mo-in-law will kick his butt in most cases and things should improve.
 

ChocolateLab33

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If the FIL has no real reason to be acting the way he is acting, then it sounds to me like the problem is his problem, not yours. He needs to get over it, and maybe he never will. Again, his problem.
 

LifeNRA

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Make your wife tell him. :lolsign:
Sorry for the humor on a serious matter but I had a Father in Law that only said one sentence to me in the 14 years I knew him. He asked me for money one time. So I know a little about this situation. My FIL never spoke harsh to me or about me as fair as I know, he just ignored me.
At first it bothered me. But after a while I remembered that the Bible says to leave your Mother and your Father and to become one. I never let him bother me again. I never cared if he approved or not. My wife and I were one and nobody on Gods green earth had the right to judge our marriage. I would talk to him as normal as I did anyone else. The way he treated me was his cross to bear, not mine.
Tell him like a man to his face. Don't tell him in an angry or defensive style. Tell him that you love his daughter and that she agreed to marry you. Thats it.
 
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Lightmeup

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Do you think either one of them will be pissed that they were not informed of the wedding beforehand?
 

James S

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sneaking off and getting married without the in laws is dangerous ;) I think you may need to have a second cerimony for her mom. If I had not let my wifes mom help to plan our wedding she would have hunted me down in the night!

I'd make the offer of having a quiet service at home with her parents to her mom. She will appreciate that and it will give her dad an opportunity to figure out whats important. You've only been seeing his daughter for 10 years. That shows some commitment :D

And I'd make one serious offer to "let the past between us be the past" or some such fancy words. If he accepts your hand you can have a truce, if not then you can honestly say that you have done everything that could do and you can stop worrying about it.

good luck! And congrats on the wedding :D

But if there is any way you can salvage things or at least manage to get to a civil point with him it will be quite useful going forward. Nothing like inlaws to come over and babysit...
 

chmsam

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Be a man about it and tell him.

If he doesn't respect you for that and for marrying his daughter, the problem shifts to his court. He might just be a guy who doesn't think his baby is ever going to grow up or that anyone is good enough for her. Either way, his problem.

I would pick a neutral spot to tell him, though. Think of it this way -- if you invite them out to dinner at a nice place, tell them, and then he carries on, your stock goes up while his tanks. Just don't gloat over it if he does blow up or you'll find yourself in a deep pile of rank doo-doo.
 

powernoodle

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Diesel_Bomber said:
Any tips for damage control?

You need to engage in psychological warfare. The Bible says that when you are kind to your enemy, you "heap burning coals on his head". A nasty person anticipates a nasty response, and when you don't give it to them they don't know how to react. The point being that if you are nice to your new father-in-law, even when he doesn't deserve it, it might start taking the wind out of his sails a little bit at a time. And it will be clear to others who the badguy is and who isn't the badguy.

So Powernoodle says to project an air of contentment, composure and confidence, and be very nice to the guy no matter what he does. A side bennie will be that Wifey and mother-in-law will like you even more.

cheers
 

dim

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Actions speak louder than words. Your FIL would rather rant, seemingly, irrationally than listen. Love your family, live proudly, respect yourself and others around you. Making "ends meet" would be nice too. If he doesn't "hear" you after that, then it's his problem, not yours. He will lose the daughter that he is trying, in his perverted way, to protect.

There is NO rationalizing with the irrational.

73
dim
 

kelmo

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Sorry to hear about your problem DB.

No easy way Dude, find neutral ground and tell them.

I feel for you Brother, you will need to be very diplomatic for your wife's sake. As much as it hurts, turn the other check and be a good provider. The ultimate revenge is good living! Remember, tolerating your FIL is showing your love to your wife.

Good Luck
 
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greenLED

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He's stuck with you, man. Better tell him sooner than later, that's for sure.

I can't offer anything but good luck.

I liked p'noodle's suggestion - it's worked for me in the past with "difficult" people.
 

Diesel_Bomber

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Folks-

My wife and I invited the in-laws to join us for coffee later today at a local coffee shop. We'll break the news there and hope for the best. Not even sure if the FIL will come, knowing I'll be there. If all goes well, we'll invite them to the BBQ this weekend.

I really appreciate all the advice.

I've read through all the responses twice, and I've got some thinking to do. We're meeting the in-laws shortly, so I don't have much time. I'll report success/failure later, as well as take the time to type a more detailed response.

Thanks again, all! :buddies:
 
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