ADD A CLEAN JOKE.

have you heard about the man in Saudi Arabia that got sentenced to 100 years in prison for committing adultery.

his lawyer said that he had gotten away lightly as he may have got LIFE.

regards.

John.

Why do most men die before their wives do?



Because they WANT TO!

What do you call a defective boomerang?

A stick!


Grumble, that *clean* part really hurts my repertoire.

:buddies:

*Lame Joke Warning*

My girlfriend was singing while cleaning up the apartment. When I asked her what she was doing, she said it was a "Soap Opera."

(I actually do Amatuer Stand Up Comedy where I intentionally bomb. My jokes on one level make no sense, and on another level they almost make sense. I moreso play off of the reaction than try to get laughs right off the bat.)

In Washington D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner
tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the
backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of
talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so
I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight
years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
there and was awarded a batch of medals.

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do *any* of that stuff."

Tarzan comes swinging in on a vine.
"Jane, fix me a double martini, please"
Jane fixes him one and brings it to him.
"Tarzan, you've been drinking a lot lately. What's wrong?"
He downs half the martini, looks at her and says...









"Jane, it's a jungle out there!"

how do you entertain a woman for a whole afternoon?


put her to clean the corners of a round room....

tadahhhh


Pablo
PS: my excuse: the joke is better in spanish

Grizzly Pete is out for a putt -- the day is beautiful and he's looking forward to getting out on one of his favorite roads. Unfortunately on his way out of town, an idiot in an SUV cuts sharply in front of him to pull into a left-turn lane, and only his skill and years of experience keep him from losing control and dumping the bike, finally managing to wrestle his ride to a safe stop.

Pissed off to the max, he reaches into a saddlebag, pulls out a tire iron and throws it with all his considerable might. It smashes through the rear window of the truck and whacks the driver on the back of the head, knocking him out. The vehicle loses control and eventually smashes into a tree -- the SUV is totalled and the driver is put into the hospital for weeks.

Some time later at his trial, the prosecuting attorney is cross-examining Grizzly Pete on the stand and finally just asks "WHY?! Why did you do it?!"

Grizzly Pete thinks for a moment, then starts beaming and says "I didn't see him!"

Just Made This One Up

Why Did the Flashlight (Oh God) Get in trouble?

For Flashing!!!




Told Ya.

PEU said:

how do you entertain a woman for a whole afternoon?


put her to clean the corners of a round room....

tadahhhh


Pablo
PS: my excuse: the joke is better in spanish

Click to expand...

When I was a kid, the joke went: How do you drive a Polack crazy? Put him in a round room and tell him to pee the corner.


Not to offend any Polacks, but that's just how the joke went.


How about...."Did you hear about the dumb jock who thought the pole vault was a jock strap with a lock on it?"

A man wakes up in a hospital, the doctor walks over to him and says, I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs, but the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

regards

John.

This guy is driving along in the countryside and gets lost. He comes to a stop sign and looks around, noticing these chickens all around his car. He takes off and these chickens are easily keeping up with him. He decides to punch the accelerator and leave the chickens in his rear-view mirror. 40 - 50 - 60 miles per hour and to his astonishment they keep pace with his vehicle! Suddenly, the chickens take off and leave his car in the dust. He finally sees a farm house and drives over to it to ask for directions. When he get's there he sees the very same chickens standing around, pecking at the ground as chickens do. Out the door comes the farmer..

Guy to the farmer: Your chickens; they all have three legs!

Farmer: Yup.. Everbody in my family loves drumsticks. So I set out to breed a three-legged chicken, and I succeeded!

Guy: That's amazing! How do they taste?









Farmer: Don't know, ain't caught one yet...

I say, I say, Isay...what's the difference between a duck???


One if it's legs is both the same!



...I'm here all week folks....


...I'll get my coat....




Be lucky...

Diesel_Bomber said:

What do you call a defective boomerang?

A stick!

...snip....

Click to expand...

What's brown and sticky?

A Stick


How do you catch a Unique Rabbit?




Unique up on him!




How do you catch a TAME rabbit?


Same Way - Unique up on him!!



Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself right at home.

Then, Fidel notices that he accidentally left his luggage back in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema. I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should climb over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees."



A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

So, a baby seal walks into a club.....

Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?



Because "B" shells are too small and "D" shells are too big.


(It's a little better verbally...)

A couple of snowmen are standing around in a field. One of them says to the other, *sniff**sniff* "Do you smell carrots?"

So a man walks into a bar...


*ouch*

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Duane.
Duane who?
Duane the bathtub, i'm dwowning.

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.