Originally posted by Cutter:
How come everytime I read or see something that Craig has created, I end up laughing so hard I fall out of my chair?.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you thought that was funny, you ought to see some of my other websites. But before you do that, put a seatbelt on that chair of yours. Here's an excerpt from "The Infomercial Toilet", a website I made with corny "reviews" of late-night infomercials.
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THE JUICEMAN
Everybody has one of these... don't you?
Geriatric ex-athlete Jay Kordich should be receiving Social Security by now, but instead, makes his living plugging his big, noisy plastic juicer. While there's nothing inherently wrong with that, his infomercial skills are definitely less-than-mature.
The Juiceman is a fairly bulky kitchen appliance, designed to devour whatever is shoved down its gullet, and spit the juices from it out of its spout; while straining out the solids and dumping them into a hidden chamber behind the machine.
Observations:
This Juiceman is a downright LOUD machine. I'd almost be afraid to stick a sound level meter too close to it; for fear of bending the little indicator needle over the right hand stop like a golf club wrapped around a tree. Jay Kordich almost seems to be yelling over the motor noise during much of his dialogue; as if his hearing became damaged over time by prolonged use of this machine.
Maybe he isn't aware of the lavalier mic he's wearing; there's no need to yell with one of those things on.
The machine is also fairly large and bulky; and may not be suitable for very small "pullman" kitchens often found in apartment homes.
Because of its design, of placing the pulp collection bucket behind the machine; it is possible for one to forget it is there, only becoming reminded of it days or even weeks later as you search your home for that awful stench coming from the pile of rotting vegetable matter festering inside of it - or wondering where all those g****** fruit flies are coming from.
Speaking of cleaning, Jay emphasizes how "easy" the machine is to clean. Anybody who's ever tried to clean a clogged-up kitchen strainer (those small metal ones with the handle and the two little lobes on the other end) has already had a taste of what it would be like to clean the Juiceman. And the strainer in the Juiceman is even finer; making it that much more difficult to flush pulp and other garbage out of all those millions of little holes.
Jay's delivery of the product dialogue is fairly boring, and at times, downright annoying. He harps on the subject that if you eat dead (cooked) food, you're gonna die. But if you "juice" using his machine, you'll live a long time.
He spends most of his time concocting these vile, disgusting vegetable drinks; and is it any wonder that he only takes very small sips of his creations? Some of them are downright evil.
Now, about his "live food equals life" baloney. When he's busily yacking away, fruits & vegetables such as carrots, apples, beets, celery, parsley, and more; are among the helpless victims he cruelly grinds up in his little "chamber of vegetable horrors." He's so concerned about life & death; yet he fails to see the massive, large-scale, and downright brutal horticultural executions taking place on his own studio set.
"Live food, live vegetables, live bodies...Dead food, dead cells, death..."
Horse puckey! The moment he lovingly shoves an innocent carrot into the maw of his motorized vegetable destroying satanic robot death machine, it's dead. IT'S DEAD! IT'S DEAD, JAY!!!
Now what do you have to say for your "dead food=death" tripe?
Jay has got to do something about those eyebrows. Those things are big enough to be used as rat traps. For that matter, they'd make decent paintbrushes and even better emergency feather duster substitutes.
Shave those damn things down once in awhile. I'll mail you some damn hedge clippers if that will help.
He also apparently doesn't believe in using antiperspirant; as evidenced by those evil wet puddles under his arms.
Most people in show biz will do anything to avoid having this happen to them, even if it means visiting the dressing room for a new shirt every fifteen minutes or half an hour. Not Jay.
The way he plays with his hands throughout the program is just plain ANNOYING. His hands and arms move & thrash about as much as his mouth does. All of those phantom "pinching" and "pulling" gestures he makes; it makes me just want to cut off his hands and spank him with them.
This infomercial kinda bites. Nothing really gets wrecked; other than a LOT of vegetables and drinks being wasted before it's all over. The price is steep, the machine is noisy enough to wake the dead, and it doesn't look easy enough to clean to make it worth my time.
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Find more of these "reviews" at
The Infomercial Toilet.
Advisory for coarse language.
Originally posted by Cutter:
And Holy Crap Craig.....that is one huge green dragonfly sitting on your shoulder. Might wanna smack it with that green 5-watter before it crawls onto your head..
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think dragonflies are cool - that's why I have a high-resolution picture of one as my Windows wallpaper.
If a dragonfly like that ever did get loose inside the house, I'd be glad to have him over because he would eat up all those little black gnats that seem to show up around this time of the year.
