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Thread: there are some Jokes

  1. #1051

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Hispanics were polled to determine their views on illegal immigration. It turns out about half of them were on the fence.

  2. #1052
    *Flashaholic* Chauncey Gardiner's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    They replied - Todos los humanos son legales.
    Sometimes I wonder if I've purchased my last flashlight.

  3. #1053

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    John 3:16

  4. #1054

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    An older gentleman getting on in years had spent decades polishing his jokes and practicing them at parties. One night, at a cocktail party, he met a nice older lady. They really hit it off and went out for coffee later that week.

    During their date, the man started telling his jokes. He was notorious for his puns, and it was obvious to the lady as to why. They were absolutely brilliant, well timed, dry, and always seemed to fit the moment perfectly. His puns always made her smile.

    One day she read in the newspaper that people could enter up to ten puns in a joke contest with a grand prize of $10,000. She couldn't wait until later that day when she would see him so she could tell him. When they met, she convinced the man to enter the contest, as surely he would win.

    The man spent hours trying to write his best puns. After gleaning his list many times with the lady, they finally decided which ten puns he would submit.

    Weeks later a letter announcing the results of the contest finally came. The man excitedly opened it. Slowly his eyes scanned the page until he quietly folded the paper back up and placed it on the table. He looked crushed. The lady asked nervously - Did you win?

    The man looked at her and quietly muttered - No pun in ten did.

  5. #1055
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Did you hear about the blonde that discovered that they could use "right guard" under their left arm?

  6. #1056
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A blonde found out they done spent all their money and they wanted more, so they grab this kid and sends him home with a note saying "I just kidnapped your child and if you want him back put $10,000 in a bag and leave the bag behind the biggest rock at the park by 4pm the next day- signed, a blonde". So the next day the blonde goes and checks and there is the bag with all the money in it and also a note saying " how could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
    Last edited by greenpondmike; 11-21-2020 at 02:01 PM.

  7. #1057
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I don't know if this is true or not, but a friend of mine told me back when he was a youngster living in Florida he was in this pet shop that had a parrot in it. He was looking around and there was this lady that was doing something not far from the parrot cage. The parrot starts saying random lewd comments at her and every time she turned around the parrot was just setting there on their perch like they were innocent and my friend got the blame. I don't remember what that lady did to him. That was told to me probably in the early 80s, so I do good to remember what I just wrote. He said he tried to tell her the bird said all that, but she didn't believe him.
    Last edited by greenpondmike; 11-21-2020 at 02:28 PM.

  8. #1058
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I’d believe it. There is one in pigeon forge at the Christmas shop that will only talk to you when you don’t pay it attention. It doesn’t say or do anything rude but if you put him on the spot he will hiss at you haha
    Big butnotsomuch-burly

  9. #1059
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Birds are way smarter than we give them credit for.

  10. #1060
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Look up “bird catches fish in koi pond” on youtube
    Big butnotsomuch-burly

  11. #1061

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Guy walks up to a hot woman at a bar and says - You must be Australian.

    No, why?

    Because you meet all my koalafications.

  12. #1062
    *Flashaholic* Poppy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by greenpondmike View Post
    I don't know if this is true or not, but a friend of mine told me back when he was a youngster living in Florida he was in this pet shop that had a parrot in it. He was looking around and there was this lady that was doing something not far from the parrot cage. The parrot starts saying random lewd comments at her and every time she turned around the parrot was just setting there on their perch like they were innocent and my friend got the blame. I don't remember what that lady did to him. That was told to me probably in the early 80s, so I do good to remember what I just wrote. He said he tried to tell her the bird said all that, but she didn't believe him.
    Mike, are you thinking of this one?

    This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.
    Each time he brings a lady into his house, the bird acts up; he is embarrassed, and the lady is insulted and leaves.
    Finally, in a moment of frustration, he grabs the parrot by the neck, gives him a good shaking, and throws the parrot into the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. Feeling guilty, the young man opens the freezer door. The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I promise I'll never act like that again!"

    The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"
    Last edited by Poppy; 11-23-2020 at 08:58 AM.
    My Grand Kids call me Poppy

  13. #1063
    *Flashaholic* Chauncey Gardiner's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Last nigh I came across a self administrated COVID test.

    Pour three fingers of your favorite spirits in a glass. If you can smell it, you're half way there.

    Drink it and if you can taste it, you don't have the virus.

    Loss of smell and taste are two of the symptoms.

    I tested myself three times last night, just to be sure. I was negative every time.

    I'm going to test myself again tonight. I have a monster headache and that's another one of the signs.

    ~ Cg
    Sometimes I wonder if I've purchased my last flashlight.

  14. #1064
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Bigburly, I looked and couldn't find anything typing in those words, but there was some herons and a kingfisher catching fish.
    That's a good one Poppy, but the one my friend told me sounded like an actual experience. He was known though in his younger years if he saw a lizard, by the time he finished telling about it the lizard was as big as a dinosaur.
    I like that episode where that cockatoo latches onto Nile's head and then at the dinner party repeats what he heard Fraser and Niles say earlier in private.

  15. #1065
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UNTw7GH325U

    Here’s one such video. There are several
    Big butnotsomuch-burly

  16. #1066
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by bigburly912 View Post
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UNTw7GH325U

    Here’s one such video. There are several
    Hey, that was neat! I like that

  17. #1067

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    +1
    That was a great video. Gone Fishing....
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  18. #1068
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he still made the cast.

  19. #1069

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were considering merging into one company. They decided against it, and not because they are being investigated by Congress. It turns out that YouTwitFace didn't poll well in focus groups.

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