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Thread: there are some Jokes

  1. #1021
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    There was this woman in california that was putting gas in her car when the hose busted and got gas all over her left arm. She was in a hurry, so she didn't bother to clean up. As she was getting in the car someone haphazardly lit up a cigarette and her arm blased up. Panicking, she went ahead and took off at a high rate of speed with her arm flaming out the window.
    Cops saw her and took pursuit. They caught up and pulled her over and got the fire out.
    Afterwards they took her to jail......
    She was booked on the charge of having a firearm without a permit.

    Edit: I was fishing for an invitation for the punchline last night when I wrote this, but no one would bite so I just put it in there. This joke is better if you do it in person and tell it like it really happened. Usually people will respond to the last part and then you can hit them with the punchline. You can get someone good with this one.
    Last edited by greenpondmike; 10-15-2020 at 07:38 AM.

  2. #1022

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    What do you get when you cross three little pigs with a big bad wolf?

    Pork, the other white meat.
    John 3:16

  3. #1023
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I thought opossum was the "other" white meat.
    Makes me wonder how many carbs a 5 pound opossum has in it? Knowing me though I'd probably make a pet out of it and name him George...

  4. #1024
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by greenpondmike View Post
    I thought opossum was the "other" white meat.
    Makes me wonder how many carbs a 5 pound opossum has in it? Knowing me though I'd probably make a pet out of it and name him George...
    No carbs. 188 calories per 3oz 9grams of fat around 25g of protein.
    Big butnotsomuch-burly

  5. #1025
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Cool! I didn't know opossum was high in protein. I think it would be better to bake them than to fry. On older squirrels that are a little tough you can slow bake them while wrapped in foil and then fry them up and they will be tender, yet still have that fried squirrel taste. I'm thinking that might work on opossum- yum, yum.
    I seen where someone had an armadillo (opossum on a half shell) out on a grill. I wonder if that's white meat also?

  6. #1026

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    The day I saw a turkey vulture walk up to a possum, peck at it, shake its head then fly away was the day I decided if a vulture won't eat it I hope I never have to.……
    John 3:16

  7. #1027
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A lot of that was just tongue in cheek goofiness, but I heard the key is to clean them out with good food a week or two before you eat them. As far as an armadillo goes, I don't want to even touch one- they are carriers of leprosy.

    That's true about the squirrel though and you can do chicken that way or partially boil it before frying to ensure it gets fully cooked without bruising the spices in the batter. Golden brown, tender and juicy- my wife likes mine better than kfc. I like popeye's
    Last edited by greenpondmike; 10-15-2020 at 11:52 AM.

  8. #1028
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I saw a comic on fb a while back when I was on it.
    A woman threw a coin into a wishing well and made a wish to become desirable to men.
    Poof!- she was turned into this beautiful new bass boat on a trailer ready to be hitched up and taken to the water.
    The actual picture of it all got a lol from me

  9. #1029
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A blonde one time was afraid that her mechanic was going to take advantage of her, but was relieved when he said he only had to replace the muffler bearing.

  10. #1030
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    This is not a joke per se but it's still really funny. An Ikea store in Spain ran a contest where the public had the opportunity to name the street next to the store. For those unfamiliar with Ikea, it's a furniture store where you buy a kit and assemble it at home. Naturally the winning entry for the street name, when translated into English, means "I'm missing a screw."

  11. #1031
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I wonder if the furniture store was known for leaving out a screw or two in its kits.

  12. #1032
    *Flashaholic* Chauncey Gardiner's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Tired of his constantly rising liability insurance rates, an OBGYN started training to become a mechanic. After two years of schooling he took his final exam on rebuilding a motor. He passed with ease.

    Upon receiving his diploma the instructor congratulated him and said - I've seen a lot of mechanics rebuild a motor, but I've never seen anyone do it with their hands and arms stretching through the exhaust system.
    The question is no longer - What will they do? It's now - Is there anything they won't do?

  13. #1033

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    You know it was so cold in DC the other day I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets……

    Buh-dum-shpeeee!

    Hands……in his own……pockets……get it? Oh never mind.

    Where should you go in a room if you're cold?
    A corner, it's usually 90 degrees……

    What do dentists call x-rays?
    Tooth pix

    Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building?
    Of course, the empire state building can't jump.

    Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
    Because they're very good at it……
    Last edited by bykfixer; 10-16-2020 at 01:23 AM.
    John 3:16

  14. #1034
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Lol, I like yall's jokes better than my own.
    Edit: I got a few more blonde jokes, Auburn jokes and a true very short story about something a parts runner was sent to get. Although I was a parts runner also at that time it wasn't me- although it could have been because I never heard of a fl. tube either.
    Last edited by greenpondmike; 10-16-2020 at 07:03 AM.

  15. #1035
    *Flashaholic* Poppy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Its's not uncommon on a big construction job, for a journeyman to send a new kid for a board stretcher.

    It'll go something like this:
    Bill, "Damn, I cut this a little too short. Johnny, go get me a board stretcher. Frank has one, he's up on the third floor."
    Frank, "Oh the board stretcher? What happen Bill cut his board short again?.. Well I don't have it, Pete came by yesterday and took it. He's up on the top deck."
    Pete, "The board stretcher? I just sent it over to Freddie, his helper took it." ...
    My Grand Kids call me Poppy

  16. #1036
    Flashaholic ironhorse's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    We had the new kid in the tool van looking for the sky hooks for half an hour.
    I choose to carry a flashlight because I am often kept in the dark.

  17. #1037
    *Flashaholic* Poppy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ironhorse View Post
    We had the new kid in the tool van looking for the sky hooks for half an hour.
    LOL... literally laughing out loud.

    What is a skyhook? used for?
    My Grand Kids call me Poppy

  18. #1038
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Ask ol Kareem Abdul jabbar. I think he knows a little about em
    Big butnotsomuch-burly

  19. #1039

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ironhorse View Post
    We had the new kid in the tool van looking for the sky hooks for half an hour.
    Someone my dad worked with was told to get a sky hook. He brought back a crane.
    Doing electrical work, journeymen usually ask an apprentice to get the wire stretcher (the apprentice is the wire stretcher) or tells them about the free linesman pliers in the bucket of soap/wire pulling lubricant.

  20. #1040
    Flashaholic greenpondmike's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Lol, those are some good ones about the sky hook and the board stretcher. That reminded me of a certain fellow I knew- his cousin was telling me about a time when that fellow was at work on what I reckon was a construction site. He went to the porta-john to smoke something illegal and they hooked up a crane cable and lifted it up about 50 ft with him still in there not knowing what was going on. He probably felt a jolt, but just probably thought what he was smoking was some good stuff. He went to step out and he grabbed ahold of the door just in time and pulled himself back in. I was told they had him screeming like a girl till they put him back down.
    Now that was a risky and cruel prank, but seeing no one got hurt it was kinda humorous.

  21. #1041
    Flashaholic* Glenn7's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A few more:
    Sent out to get some stripped paint.
    A left handed screwdriver or hammer.
    A long weight (wait)

  22. #1042

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Glenn7 View Post
    A few more:
    Sent out to get some stripped paint.
    A left handed screwdriver or hammer.
    A long weight (wait)
    I'll add the tempered glass cutter

  23. #1043
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Bucket of blue sparks.

  24. #1044
    *Flashaholic* Chauncey Gardiner's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A friend worked at a local park. In one of the mechanical buildings was a machine (I don't know what it was) that had a steam relief valve. My friend sent the new guy for a bucket of steam to clean some tools. To no one's surprise the bucket was empty when the low IQ hire returned. It was reported that he was dangerous to have around so they sent him off on errands as frequently as possible.
    The question is no longer - What will they do? It's now - Is there anything they won't do?

  25. #1045
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    I’m not proud of this since I ended up running the place later on and the poor kid wore himself out............but once upon a time I was training a new hire at a flooring manufacturing facility. When we stacked up wood that was to be turned into flooring sticks were placed between the layers for air flow. When the wood was destacked it would run over a series of chains and the sticks would fall down a shoot into a large hydraulic activated hopper we simply called a stick machine. The stick machine went down one day and my new hire was harassing maintenance telling them how to fix it and what was wrong. These guys were in hydraulic fluid covered in dust pissed off. Just an absolute mess. The last thing they wanted was to have some dude standing over them trying to tell them how to fix something he knew absolutely nothing about. I told him if he wanted to help to go back to the maintenance shop and ask the other guys for a flux capacitor because it had went out and that’s why the stick machine stopped moving.

    The maintenance shop was on the far end of the property probably around 300 yard away. Well, the boy took off towards it and I didn’t see him for a good 20 minutes. When he came back I saw why. The maintenance crew had given this poor kid a 3hp electric motor to carry. (Weighed about 70 pounds) and absolutely covered him in hard lines. He carried every bit of that stuff back over toward where the machine was and the night shift production manager stopped him halfway and asked him what the heck he was doing. If I’d have known they were going to do all that to him I never would have sent him haha. It was great.

    We also had knot pullers and board stretchers and cans of A I R
    Big butnotsomuch-burly

  26. #1046
    *Flashaholic* kaichu dento's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Not as funny as the stuff you guys came up with, but we had a new know-it-all-and-not-afraid-to-let-you-know type show up. We were talking about something that needed to be put together and I just stopped the conversation and said "Great, we don't have to worry about it. He knows how to do it so he can do it." He said "No problem". A few more times of that happening and he stopped being so vocal about telling others how to do things!
    Marduke - Solitaire...I've seen matches which are brighter AND have a longer runtime. 光陰矢の如し

  27. #1047

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Here I am sitting and here I came up with a new anecdote, I urgently need to conduct a study, is it really new or did it come up in my memory in connection with another anecdote?


    Two girlfriends met in the shopping center, chatting, thinking to go to a cafe, then a guy comes up to them and one says to the other, here you are, my new boyfriend. And the second one answers - I think you are coronavirus, I'll go home! The first one asks why? Second - you have clearly lost your taste !!


    You can think of something about other situations, for example, about the choice of cars by friends or the choice of some clothes by these girlfriends, etc.

  28. #1048
    *Flashaholic* Chauncey Gardiner's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Why Beer is Better than Women

    I’m allowed to complain - about a beer being flat.

    If my lips touch another bottle - my old beer don’t get mad.

    When I’m at a bar - I’m always able to pick-up a Bud Lite.

    And beer looks the same in the morning - as it did on Friday night.

    Beer’s always ready to leave on time - and that’s why beer’s never late.

    And when I want to swap beers - my old beer won’t take half my estate.


    A world where I could just date beer - would just be great.

    The song with music -
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkJdwtnIaAs
    The question is no longer - What will they do? It's now - Is there anything they won't do?

  29. #1049
    Flashaholic ironhorse's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Poppy View Post
    LOL... literally laughing out loud.

    What is a skyhook? used for?
    I was never told exactly what it was for, but we always needed it when working on the roof.
    I choose to carry a flashlight because I am often kept in the dark.

  30. #1050

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A skyhook is sort of a theoretical device seen in spy movies when someone sends up a balloon attached to a cable connected to a person harnessed in. A hook and cable are dragged behind a plane, hook the balloon and cable and carry the spy away. I don't think it works well in real life.

    Skyhook is also a brand for a crane. (Be careful telling someone to bring a skyhook if they have connections with a crane company.)

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