Malkoff        
Page 31 of 32 FirstFirst ... 21242526272829303132 LastLast
Results 901 to 930 of 938

Thread: there are some Jokes

  1. #901
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    In a handbasket
    Posts
    12,421

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    If the earth was flat, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now

  2. #902
    Flashaholic Lucciola's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    196

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Here's one from my kids:

    A crocodile eats a clown. Chews for a while then says: "tastes a bit funny!"

  3. #903
    Flashaholic* P_A_S_1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    1,182

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.

  4. #904

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by P_A_S_1 View Post
    What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.
    Ah, the classics never get old.
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  5. #905
    Flashaholic* xevious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Hoboken, NJ
    Posts
    1,008

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    LIGHT BRANDS IN ROTATION: FW3A, Zebralight, Jetbeam, Lumintop, RovyVon, Olight, Astrolux, Nitecore, NovaTac

  6. #906

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    ^^ Good one!

  7. #907

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Indeed.
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  8. #908
    Flashaholic* xevious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Hoboken, NJ
    Posts
    1,008

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    LIGHT BRANDS IN ROTATION: FW3A, Zebralight, Jetbeam, Lumintop, RovyVon, Olight, Astrolux, Nitecore, NovaTac

  9. #909

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by xevious View Post
    LOL !
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  10. #910
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    In a handbasket
    Posts
    12,421

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by xevious View Post

  11. #911
    Flashaholic* xevious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Hoboken, NJ
    Posts
    1,008

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Amish Stop Sign
    LIGHT BRANDS IN ROTATION: FW3A, Zebralight, Jetbeam, Lumintop, RovyVon, Olight, Astrolux, Nitecore, NovaTac

  12. #912

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Amish WHOA sign.
    Never point a flashlight at anything you don't intend to illuminate! Never buy a flashlight you have to make payments on.

  13. #913
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    In a handbasket
    Posts
    12,421

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Chauncey Gardiner View Post
    Amish WHOA sign.
    Wait... horses can read?

  14. #914
    Enlightened Wonder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    upper midwest
    Posts
    82

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Another good one!

    Snowboarding Lessons

    When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."

    This is the voice of Satan.

    I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

    I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

    This is because I went snowboarding.

    For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

    These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."

    People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

    We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

    If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

    At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

    So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

    In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

    Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

    Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

    Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

    I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

    Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

    You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

    We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

    Step One: Watching Brad do something.

    Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

    I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

    I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

    "Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.

    Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"

    Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

    If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

    So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

  15. #915
    *Flashaholic* StarHalo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    California Republic
    Posts
    10,355

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by PhotonWrangler View Post
    Wait... horses can read?
    Everything's a LIE

  16. #916
    Flashaholic* MAD777's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    South Florida
    Posts
    4,076

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Great story @Wonder
    as a winter sports enthusiast, I concur! LOL

  17. #917

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by MAD777 View Post
    Great story @Wonder
    as a winter sports enthusiast, I concur! LOL
    What I learned from that story.... Never be friends with dudes named Brad. And, only have daughters.
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  18. #918
    Flashaholic* thermal guy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    ny
    Posts
    4,305

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    One day an Italian mother was at her wits end of yelling at her two sons Tommy and tony who would never listen to her and always getting into trouble. The women went to the priest and asked if he could speak to her sons.the priest said yes I will speak to them but one at a time. Tell tommy to stop by and I’ll talk to him After school. When Tommy got to the church the priest brought him into a room set him in a chair and turned on the light above his head and said tell me where is God. Tommy didn’t answer. the priest once again said Tommy where is God Tommy got all nervous and jittery the priest getting mad looked and said Tommy this is the last time I will ask you. where is God? Tommy got so scared he got up and ran out of the church ran all the way home all the way up to his bedroom where his brother was. his brother could see that he was upset and said what’s the matter to which Tommy replied we’re in BIG trouble God’s missing and they think we got him 😁
    If i had one day left to live i would want to be at my workplace.Because every day is like a frickin eternity.

  19. #919

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    LOL !
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  20. #920
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    In a handbasket
    Posts
    12,421

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

    You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

  21. #921
    Flashaholic
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Irvine, CA
    Posts
    162

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Lol, so many great lines in that one, Wonder. Fitting a major appliance under a snowboarders outfit
    I'd love to shed some light on that for you

  22. #922
    Flashaholic* xevious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Hoboken, NJ
    Posts
    1,008

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    LIGHT BRANDS IN ROTATION: FW3A, Zebralight, Jetbeam, Lumintop, RovyVon, Olight, Astrolux, Nitecore, NovaTac

  23. #923
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    In a handbasket
    Posts
    12,421

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole when a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.”

    He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.”

    He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”

    “No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

  24. #924

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    LOL !
    Good one.
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  25. #925

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Never point a flashlight at anything you don't intend to illuminate! Never buy a flashlight you have to make payments on.

  26. #926
    Flashaholic*
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Bracknell, England.
    Posts
    1,561

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Re: the above.

    I was once in the U.S. and a Yank asked me if we (the British) celebrate independence day. I replied "No, but perhaps we should."

  27. #927
    Flashaholic* Keitho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    CO, USA
    Posts
    665

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by FLfrk View Post
    Lol, so many great lines in that one, Wonder. Fitting a major appliance under a snowboarders outfit
    I agree that Wonder's post had as many great lines as a Dave Barry article. Turns out, post 914 is a copy/paste of a Dave Barry article (everything except the author's name). No less funny, but it deserves a credit to the Pulitzer Prize winner.

  28. #928
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    In a handbasket
    Posts
    12,421

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Another Dave Barry fan here! There aren't too many writers who literally make me laugh out loud, but he's one of them.

  29. #929
    *Flashaholic* StarHalo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    California Republic
    Posts
    10,355

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Breaking news, this just in

  30. #930

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by StarHalo View Post
    Breaking news, this just in
    Are they just gunna Netflix n chill?
    Never point a flashlight at anything you don't intend to illuminate! Never buy a flashlight you have to make payments on.

Page 31 of 32 FirstFirst ... 21242526272829303132 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •