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Thread: there are some Jokes

  1. #91
    Flashaholic
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Maybe qcgoods2006 just has bad short term memory, or maybe OCD??
    I need to find a cheaper hobby

  2. #92

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by TorchBoy View Post
    And around 2007/5/16...


    I feel a little short changed. Again.

    so sorry for that, I just think the joke is very good, so I relist, and I would like to stop that.
    weihua
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  3. #93
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A grasshopper walks into a bar.

    The bartender comes over and says "Hey, a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you."

    The grasshopper says "That's funny. Why would you name a drink Bob?"

  4. #94
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A guy walks into a bar.

    "Ouch!" he said. "I never was good at limbo."
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
    Ian.
    LED Driver List - now database driven and with new search features.

  5. #95
    Flashaholic* carbine15's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender points to the sign and says "We don't serve string here. Aren't you a string?" The string thinks for a minute and does a little dance, ties himself up and shakes around and says, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"


  6. #96
    *Flashaholic* PhotonWrangler's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

  7. #97
    Flashaholic goldenlight's Avatar
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    Nana Re: there are some Jokes

    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
    other so well, they decided to get married.

    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
    handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said
    to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"


    "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


    Are you ready for this?
















    "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"


    Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to
    enjoy... Even these silly little cute..... And clean jokes

    Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by goldenlight; 06-07-2007 at 06:19 PM.
    "Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters".
    -Albert Einstein

    "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid"
    Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de LaClos (1741-1803)

  8. #98
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Sorry goldenlight, I probably would have laughed or groaned if I hadn't been told something was going to hurt.

    That termite joke was good.
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
    Ian.
    LED Driver List - now database driven and with new search features.

  9. #99
    Flashaholic* carbine15's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"


  10. #100
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by carbine15 View Post
    A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
    I managed to resist adding that one.
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
    Ian.
    LED Driver List - now database driven and with new search features.

  11. #101
    Flashaholic* carbine15's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by TorchBoy View Post
    I managed to resist adding that one.
    Sorry, I couldn't resist. I had to be careful because that joke is an antique.


  12. #102
    Flashaholic* PhantomPhoton's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    I think I can get away with this one... the broom joke reminded me of this:

    What's the difference between a Snow-man and a Snow-woman?







    Snowballs
    1) Neutral white, it's the new black. Heck, it's not even "new" anymore.
    2) User Interface... KISS.
    3) Proprietary cells and battery packs - Just say NO!

  13. #103
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Are you guys ready for the worst joke ever??

    no? good! here it is anyway...


    The bunny on the motorcycle...


    There is this rich stockbroker who is entirely fed up with his hasty life. In search of inner rest and true hapiness he decides to quit his job, sell his house and live in a little shelter out in the boonies and live off the land. So he leaves behind his old life and finds himself a nice spot away from civilization and builds a shelter out of sticks, twigs and leaves.

    After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his shelter and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 250cc Suzuki motorcycle.
    So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
    The next morning, the man wakes up, his shelter is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new shelter, actually this time he builds a nice little shed out of sturdy wooden planks.

    After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his shed and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 500cc Kawasaki motorcycle.
    So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
    The next morning, the man wakes up, his shed is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new shed, actually this time he builds a nice cabin out of beefy logs.

    After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his cabin and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 750cc Honda motorcycle.
    So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
    The next morning, the man wakes up, his cabin is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new cabin, actually this time he builds a nice little house out of bricks and mortar.

    After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his house and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 900cc Ducati motorcycle.
    So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
    The next morning, the man wakes up, his house is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone. So the man builds a new house, actually this time he builds a strong bunker out of steel and concrete.

    After living there for a month, alone and happy, he hears engine noise. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his bunker and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 1000cc Harley Davidson motorcycle.
    So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man, being alone for the past month welcomes the company. So he gives the bunny food and a place to sleep. After enjoying their food and talking for a while, they go to sleep.
    The next morning, the man wakes up, his bunker is trashed and the bunny and his motorcycle are gone.

    The man is completely fed up with this, so he decides to just build a shelter out of sticks again, as it is at least easier to rebuild. The man lives there happy and in solitude for a year, when on one evening, he hears the noise of an engine. It comes closer and closer, until after a while a motorcycle pulls up to his shelter and stops. The rider hops off, takes off his helmet, flop flop his ears flop out. A bunny on a 250cc Suzuki motorcycle.
    So the bunny hops up to the man an asks if he can stay for the night, as the light on his motorcycle is broken. The man says to the bunny, well listen up mate, a little over a year ago, just like tonite, a bunny on a 250cc Suzuki motorcycle pulled up to my shelter, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my shelter was trashed. So, I built a shed.
    A month later, a bunny on a 500cc Kawasaki motorcycle pulled up to my shed, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my shed was trashed. So, I built a cabin.
    A month later, a bunny on a 750cc Honda motorcycle pulled up to my cabin, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my cabin was trashed. So, I built a house.
    A month later, a bunny on a 900cc Ducati motorcycle pulled up to my house, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my house was trashed. So, I built a bunker.
    A month later, a bunny on a 1000cc Harley Davidson motorcycle pulled up to my bunker, just like you did tonite. He asked for the same as you, for the same reason. I gave him a place to sleep and shared my food with him, the next morning he was gone, his motorcycle was gone and my bunker was trashed. So, tired of rebuilding again and again, stronger and stronger, I finally gave up, as it was no use. I built once again a shelter out of sticks, as those are easier to rebuild. Now before I give you a place to stay for the night, I would like you to tell me what you think of that. So the bunny answers: uhm.... dunno...
    ... Never underestimate the power of human stupidity ...

  14. #104
    Flashaholic bruddamoke's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

    The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed,"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


  15. #105
    Flashaholic goldenlight's Avatar
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    Naughty Re: there are some Jokes

    Puns....!



    "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.

    "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said,
    without debate.

    "I won't let a stupid flat tire let me down,"
    Steve said, with despair.

    "I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.

    "That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.

    "The fur is falling out of that mink coat,"
    Steven inferred.

    "That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!" Stew said, revolted.

    "I'll just have to send that telegram again", Samuel said, remorsefully.

    "I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
    "Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters".
    -Albert Einstein

    "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid"
    Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de LaClos (1741-1803)

  16. #106
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by goldenlight View Post
    Puns....!

    "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
    FYI, these are nice examples of a particular kind of pun called a Tom Swifty.
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
    Ian.
    LED Driver List - now database driven and with new search features.

  17. #107
    Flashaholic bruddamoke's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    At the company cafeteria, Ron says to John, "My elbow hurts like hell. Guess I better see a doctor."

    "Hey listen, there's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars, lot cheaper than a doctor," John replies.

    So Ron deposits a urine sample in a jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    Thank you for shopping @Wal-Mart."

    That evening, Ron began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixes some tap water with a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his sperm sample for good measure. Ron hurries back to Wal-Mart eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. (Aisle 4)
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (Aisle 8)
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

  18. #108
    Flashaholic* ACMarina's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    You all think gas prices are bad - how about ink or toner??
    I love my Al-PD

  19. #109
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by goldenlight View Post
    Puns....!

    "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
    That one can be improved to make it a 3 way

    "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bob said, dolefully.

  20. #110

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    *You vs Your boss*
    When you take a long time, you're slow.
    When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

    When you don't do it, you're lazy.
    When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

    When you make a mistake, you're an idiot(蠢货).
    When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

    When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority(超越权限).
    When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative(创造性).

    When you take a stand(表态), you're being bull-headed(固执).
    When your boss does it, he's being firm.

    When you overlooked a rule of etiquette(礼貌), you're being rude.
    When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original(独创的).

    When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping(拍马屁).
    When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative(合作).

    When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
    When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

    When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
    When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

    When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
    When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
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  21. #111

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

    One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
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  22. #112

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Europe English

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
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  23. #113
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    disgrasful!

    finally, qc, a funny one ! :lol:

  24. #114

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
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  25. #115

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.
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  26. #116

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

    The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

    Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

    This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

    At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

    For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

    At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

    The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

    Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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  27. #117

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to

    safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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  28. #118

    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

    "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor took it and moved on.

    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
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  29. #119
    Flashaholic goldenlight's Avatar
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    Wink2 A blonde...

    A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate so she eases it over onto the
    shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic,

    The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to
    approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't long before a police car arrives.

    The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

    "My car broke down, Officer" says the blonde woman, calmly.

    "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" asks the Officer.

    The blonde replies, "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
    "Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters".
    -Albert Einstein

    "La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid"
    Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de LaClos (1741-1803)

  30. #120
    Flashaholic DrifT3R's Avatar
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    Default Re: there are some Jokes

    a baby seal walks into a club









    worst joke ever.
    aah, me eyes!!! =]

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