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Thread: Limited time offer!

  1. #1
    Flashaholic* RyanA's Avatar
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    Yellowlaugh Limited time offer!

    So, let me begin by saying that my entire family in ______________ (insert far off third world country here) has been captured by Turkish centaur zombie horse pirates (the worst kind of pirates, it's been statistically proven). They are demanding a ransom of thirty-two-million, three-hundred-seventy-six thousand, and eight-hundred and sixty-one monetary units, preferably in Turkish centaur zombie horse pirate dollars (the Turkish centaur zombie horse pirate dollar has maintained a strong footing against the Japanese yen thus far). If I cannot muster the required thirty-two-million, three-hundred-seventy-six thousand, and eight-hundred and sixty-one monetary units, I have been advised that my next best payment option is several tons of carrots, yams and perhaps a few tasty turnips. However, it is of vital importance that all ransom payments tendered in food be made with orange food only, hence the several tons of carrots, yams and perhaps a few tasty turnips. But alas, here is my problem, and the reason I have contacted you, a stranger whom I have never met before, in hope that can help me. I do not have the necessary funds for outright payment of the ransom. I do have the funds to procure the several tons of orange food such as carrots, yams and perhaps a few tasty turnips. But again, I am at an impasse, which is why I have selected you, a stranger whom I have never met before, who likely has little or no motivation to help me, as the sole mechanism towards the rescue of my kidnapped family. My country _______________ (insert far off third world country here) has long suffered from a strict embargo on any and all orange goods (yes, even Nerf footballs and Kraft mac and cheese - and although both are delicious neither is an acceptable ransom substitute). Strangely orange goods are the only goods effected by the embargo. It is weird, that I do realize, but that is how we roll here in ______________ (insert far off third world country here). Anyways this is where you come in, I thank you for your patience until this point. It has come to my knowledge that your country does not suffer from a crippling orange goods embargo. Perhaps you could help me. Simply put I would like to transfer the thirty-two-million, three-hundred-seventy-six thousand, and eight-hundred and sixty monetary units needed to procure the ransom substitute into your bank account and you can affect the purchase and transfer of the ransom substitute in my stead, as I am unfortunately unable to do so on my own.
    All that is required to affect the transfer are these twelve simple items:
    1. Your bank account number
    2. Divers license number and expiration date
    3. Address and telephone number
    4. Waist size
    5. Inseam
    6. Social security number
    7. Location of any valuables you may posses
    8. Location of any valuables you intend to posses over the next six months *
    9. Location of any valuables your neighbors posses or intend to posses over the next six months
    10. A photo copy of your passport and birth certificate
    11. A large to medium size trampoline (unfortunately any trampoline under 60" dia. is unacceptable, and the transfer will not clear)
    12. ...and the pin number for the debit card attached to said bank account as stated in item #1.
    *IMPORTANT, do not forget to fill this out.
    I am confident that you, a stranger whom I have never met before, who likely has little or no motivation to help me, whom I selected randomly from among a potential sea of candidates likely numbering in the billions, you, you are the best (and only, I assure you) vessel in which to place my trust for such a potentially life-altering series of seemingly unlikely but albeit very completely true events. Now go random stranger, save my family. Best Regards,
    -Steve Steverton





    Though some of you might enjoy this. Happy new year. Sorry if I've offended any Turkish centaur zombie horse pirates here on CPF. I know it's a growing movement.
    Last edited by RyanA; 01-02-2009 at 04:25 AM.

  2. #2
    Flashaholic* griff's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    nice
    Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

  3. #3
    kaichu dento's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    I have sent all the required information telepathically and hope the best for you and yours in new year! Glad I could be of assistance.
    Marduke - Solitaire...I've seen matches which are brighter AND have a longer runtime. 光陰矢の如し

  4. #4
    Enlightened
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Quote Originally Posted by RyanA View Post
    Though some of you might enjoy this. Happy new year. Sorry if I've offended any Turkish centaur zombie horse pirates here on CPF. I know it's a growing movement.


    Benim tŁrk centaur zombi at korsan kardeşler Áıkmış HavuÁlar, Amerikan!


    translation:
    My turkish centaur zombie horse pirate brothers would have taken the Carrots, foolish American!




    Hope that internet translation software really works, or I could be in big trouble!
    Last edited by jaygrant; 01-01-2009 at 06:48 PM.

  5. #5
    Flashaholic*
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Like I said to my second girlfriend, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours first." I wonder why she left me shortly after that?

  6. #6
    Flashaholic* RyanA's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!


  7. #7
    Flashaholic* ABTOMAT's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    "My family has been kidnapped by Turkish centaur zombie horse pirates. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?"
    Do something alone and it's weird, do it with others and it's a club.

  8. #8
    Flashaholic* RyanA's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    I'm afraid only Chuck Norris is. They have an inherent weakness to roundhouse kicks.
    Last edited by RyanA; 01-04-2009 at 08:48 PM.

  9. #9
    *Flashaholic* Sgt. LED's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    TO THE FACE!

  10. #10
    *Flashaholic* LuxLuthor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Hmmm...now which alternate reality did I stumble into this time?

  11. #11

    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Quote Originally Posted by LuxLuthor View Post
    Hmmm...now which alternate reality did I stumble into this time?
    Welcome to the CPF Cafe.

    I'll be your waiter. Carrot? He.... I mean it, is delicious.

    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  12. #12
    Flashaholic*
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Interesting costume Monocrom!
    Funniest CPF thread ever. I promise it'll make your day.

  13. #13

    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Quote Originally Posted by dudemar View Post
    Interesting costume Monocrom!
    Yes..... Yes it is.
    "The World is insane. With tiny spots of sanity, here and there... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese.

  14. #14
    Flashaholic*
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    Ok, ok, cool costume!
    Funniest CPF thread ever. I promise it'll make your day.

  15. #15
    *Flashaholic* LuxLuthor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Limited time offer!

    I just tore my eyes out for my own protection. Back to braille typing.

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