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Thread: These are kinda bad, sorry

  1. #1
    Flashaholic* snuffy's Avatar
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    Default These are kinda bad, sorry



    These are a good example of why Puns are considered the "Lowest" form of humor.

    *Two peanuts walk into a bar.... one was a salted.

    *A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    *A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    *A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    *A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    *Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    *"Doc, help me, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

    *A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says,
    "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    *Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

    *A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What??? Because he's cross-eyed???"
    "No, because he's really heavy."

    *Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad.... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

    *I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    *I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

    *Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    *A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
    "It's... um...well.... I have five penises" replies the man.
    "Unbelievable!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
    "Like a glove."

    * What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!!!!!

    A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
    "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

    When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
    The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.




  2. #2
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    SilverFox's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    Hello snuffy,

    I think I would go beyond "kinda bad" and say they are really bad.

    I am still chuckling over them.

    Tom

  3. #3

    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    bad, and plagiarized! you stole three of those from me!
    (thanks) but didn't you like the vultures one?

    Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying 2 dead rats.
    The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one
    carrion per passenger".

    other puns

  4. #4
    Flashaholic* snuffy's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    [ QUOTE ]
    TedtheLed said:
    bad, and plagiarized! you stole three of those from me!
    (thanks) but didn't you like the vultures one?

    Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying 2 dead rats.
    The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one
    carrion per passenger".




    [/ QUOTE ]

    I just received them in an email this evening, honest. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/bowdown.gif[/img]
    The vulture wasn't included for some reason. Don't know why, it's a good one. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

  5. #5

    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    There is a tall wall between "mental illness," and the "outside world."
    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/help.gif[/img]

  6. #6
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    Very good Snuffy, I'm a sucker for puns.
    Here's one.

    There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, " Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The girl said that her name was Pattie.
    Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.
    At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."
    At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."
    Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
    The man replied:
    Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

    Terrible, ain't it! Sorry, it was punintentional. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon15.gif[/img]

  7. #7
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    These are so bad, they're good!!!! [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

  8. #8
    Flashaholic* snuffy's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    [ QUOTE ]
    gyverpete said:
    Terrible, ain't it! Sorry, it was punintentional. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon15.gif[/img]

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Terrible doesn't even come close. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

  9. #9
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    Did you hear that corduroy pillows are making HEADLINES?

    Isn't a parallelogram just a wrecked-angle? (sorry, I just made this one up)
    __
    /__/

    I'll stop now. [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]


  10. #10

    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    Alternative meanings, from The Washington Post

    1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
    2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
    3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..
    5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
    6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
    7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
    8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
    9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
    10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
    11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.
    12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
    13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
    14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
    15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

  11. #11
    Flashaholic* NightStorm's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]

    Dan

  12. #12

    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    Hahaha,

    Just the thing for a cloudy and humid morning!

    Wilkey

  13. #13
    Flashaholic BF Hammer's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    A string sits down at a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at the string and says, "Hey, you're a string. We don't serve strings here. Beat it!" The string leaves, balls himself up, finds a pair of scissors and scrapes himself up with them. The string goes back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks over the string and says, "Say, aren't you that string that I just threw out of here a little while ago?" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot, sir."

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/naughty.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif[/img]

  14. #14

    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    A termite walks into a cocktail lounge and says;
    "hey, where's the bartender?"

  15. #15

    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    A woman brought a very limp parrot into the Veterinarian's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away".

    The distressed owner wailed; "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"

    The Vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador dog.

    As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with his sad, brown eyes and shook his head. The Vet patted the dog and took it out of the office, but returned a few moments later with a cat!

    The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

    The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry. But like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably, dead."

    He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

    "What's this!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

    The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ..."

  16. #16
    *Flashaholic* Rothrandir's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif[/img]

  17. #17
    Flashaholic* NightStorm's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif[/img]

    Dan

  18. #18
    Flashaholic Y2Kirk1028's Avatar
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    Default Re: These are kinda bad, sorry

    [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif[/img] [img]/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hahaha.gif[/img] "A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says,
    "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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