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Thread: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

  1. #1
    Flashaholic
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    Default Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    We all think we are capable of doing "stuff" because
    we took shop at school and know theory and application
    with lessons like measure twice and cut once, while
    building a jewel box for Mom's birthday present.

    But we need to build a room in the basement with tub
    and toilet and now the fun begins. Home Depot is our
    mentor of course! Read on.

    TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOUR-SELFER

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
    snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
    it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
    the room, denting the freshly painted vertical stabilizer
    which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
    could get to it.


    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
    them somewhere under the workbench at the speed
    of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
    calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
    say, 'Oh s**t'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
    rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
    short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
    the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
    convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
    Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
    a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
    attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
    round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
    can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
    the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
    various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
    for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub when you want
    to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
    to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
    the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
    trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
    most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
    that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
    inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
    tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
    seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
    cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
    as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
    Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
    non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
    that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
    replace a 50-cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
    hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
    locate the most expensive parts next to the object we a
    re trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
    of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
    particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl
    records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
    checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
    slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
    the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
    is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Author Unknown
    Last edited by Marlite; 03-02-2010 at 05:36 AM. Reason: Clarified Title

  2. #2
    Unenlightened
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    Default Re: Do It Yourself Tools


    That is way too many funny.
    I have used most of those tools in the manners described.

  3. #3
    Flashaholic* Scottiver's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do It Yourself Tools

    Dude, I have tears running down my cheeks. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by Scottiver View Post
    Dude, I have tears running down my cheeks. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks!
    [Quote Wallace L;]
    That is way too many funny.
    I have used most of those tools in the manners described. [/quote]

    Thanks guys it resonated with me too!

    I find it really funny when I goof up and hope nobody ever finds out, especially she who says "you can do it, you're just too lazy to start!

    She doesn't know I don't want to start start because I'm trembling about the carnage she is forcing me to do and how much I know Mike Holmes is going to charge me if he will rescue me early! Now that I've made an admission of ineptitude I find I'm really a funny guy.

  5. #5
    *Flashaholic* Flying Turtle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Thanks, Marlite. Those were great. I'll be firing a copy off to my brother immediately.

    Geoff

  6. #6
    Flashaholic* AardvarkSagus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Hilarious. I have read these several times and they are just as funny every time. Great posting

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  7. #7
    Flashaholic* Databyter's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Thanks for the memories!
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    databyter@cox.net

  8. #8
    *Flashaholic* carrot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Thanks for sharing, that was hilarious!
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  9. #9
    Enlightened Olef's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Excellent!

    Olef

  10. #10
    Administrator Kestrel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by Marlite View Post
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
    Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
    non-removable screws.
    [...]
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
    hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
    locate the most expensive parts next to the object we
    are trying to hit.
    My favorite ones.

    BTW does anyone know where the post was where the person sucessfully trimmed their glass lens to the correct circumference using their table saw, and posted a pic of the configuration while holding the finished lens in their fingers? Talk about the heebie-jeebies.

  11. #11

    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    That's great!

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    I think I snorted soda out of my nose... Printed and hung up in my shop, co-workers loved it. We spend all day building, maintaining and repairing a fleet of police cars, as well as some other town vehicles, so a lot of that hit real close to home.

  13. #13

    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    First comment made when you realize that, becasue of one of those tools, not all your body parts are the same as they used to be.

    Ooops? (Said as a question)

    EArlier today I was telling a friend about my first night aas a grocery clerk. About 10 minutes after being warned of how dangerous the razorblades in a box cutter was, he woman I was working with said.
    Ooops.
    Three inches long and about 3/4 inch deep. Almost no blood and no pain for teh first few minutes.

  14. #14

    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    I've got scars to prove a few of these. Only one major ER trip though, for figuring "the angle grinder doesn't REALLY need the handle that broke off, does it?"
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  15. #15
    Flashaholic* ma_sha1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Talk about dangerous DIY tool, the edge of table saw could be used as grinder, this was before I had a
    bench grinder & evidence that I was temporarily insane

    Last edited by ma_sha1; 03-02-2010 at 11:35 PM.
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  16. #16
    Flashaholic OfficerCamp's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    So THAT'S what my table saw was designed for..
    I was wondering why that kept happening!
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  17. #17
    *Flashaholic* Patriot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by ma_sha1 View Post
    Talk about dangerous DIY tool, the edge of table saw could be used as grinder, this was before I had a
    bench grinder & evidence that I was temporarily insane
    Are you freaking kidding me!!! I've been pushed out of perfectly good airplanes twice now but I wouldn't try that one for anything dude.


    Very funny original post Marlite. The last one reminds me of a guy that I used to work with as an Mercedes apprentice and the dude would flip out when things wouldn't go his way or he'd bust a knuckle on something. He'd pitch heavy tools like big wrenches and screwdrivers out into the parking lot behind us. I thought the guy was going to kill someone someday!
    Last edited by Patriot; 03-03-2010 at 12:01 AM.

  18. #18
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Oh god, this is so true!

    Pliers... they seem like such innocent tools... they also gave me my most unique looking scar. Didn't even utter the "ooops!" I just applied pressure for few minutes, hoping that would do the trick. Of course, I hadn't really looked closely at my wound yet and it ended up being a bit of a bleeder. Ooops! I'm definitely going to be more careful around these dastardly tools from now on.


  19. #19
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Thnks for posting, that was great!

    I know I've done all that except the oxy torch.

    I know planty more of you guys have done the same, just admit it, who are you kidding, no sense in try to hide it!
    -Will-

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  20. #20
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by ma_sha1 View Post
    Talk about dangerous DIY tool, the edge of table saw could be used as grinder, this was before I had a
    bench grinder & evidence that I was temporarily insane

    You Didn't do that.......


  21. #21
    kaichu dento's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by Marlite View Post
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
    rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
    short.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
    Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
    a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
    attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
    round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
    can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
    the palm of your hand.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
    tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
    Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
    non-removable screws.
    These were my favorites. The drill one was the first to get me laughing but especially the hacksaw!!
    Last edited by kaichu dento; 03-03-2010 at 02:46 AM.
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  22. #22
    Unenlightened
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Dude - I have taken the liberty of using that image as wallpaper for the time being , hope you don't mind- it is nearly as funny as the tool description at the start of the thread.

  23. #23

    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by Patriot View Post
    The last one reminds me of a guy that I used to work with as an Mercedes apprentice and the dude would flip out when things wouldn't go his way or he'd bust a knuckle on something. He'd pitch heavy tools like big wrenches and screwdrivers out into the parking lot behind us. I thought the guy was going to kill someone someday!
    I knew a guy who did that also.
    The good news is that they were much lighter.
    The bad news is that occasionally they were scalpels.

    He must have been a good doctor through. All the nurses hated and/or feared him, but nobody ever criticized his work.

  24. #24
    Flashaholic* RA40's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Funny stuff.
    It is too bad I have images of work buddies and peeps in know in the knife industry who've had injuries. Brrr....
    Mike

  25. #25
    Flashaholic ironhorse's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Ever removed any Jesus clips? ( snap rings )
    when they go flying across the room out of your snap ring pliers you say "Jesus *****".

  26. #26
    Flashaholic* sunspot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by ironhorse View Post
    Ever removed any Jesus clips? ( snap rings )
    when they go flying across the room out of your snap ring pliers you say "Jesus *****".
    I once plunged the tip of a snap ring tool into the back of my hand. I don't much care for snap rings
    Dana

  27. #27

    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools



    I think I literally busted a gut.
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  28. #28
    Flashaholic* TorchBoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Quote Originally Posted by Marlite View Post
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
    various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
    Nice read. I suspect that one is a redundancy though. I would say "Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop."

    Quote Originally Posted by Mike Painter View Post
    EArlier today I was telling a friend about my first night aas a grocery clerk. About 10 minutes after being warned of how dangerous the razorblades in a box cutter was, he woman I was working with said.
    Ooops.
    Three inches long and about 3/4 inch deep. Almost no blood and no pain for teh first few minutes.
    Reminds me of the time I stood on a nail approximately 55 seconds after warning the guy I was with not to. When I yelled he thought I was joking until I started pulling off my shoe and sock.
    No, a torch does not always mean flames.
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  29. #29
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    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    Maglite: Commonly sold flashlight that also doubles as baseball bat.

    I cracked my kneecap swinging my 4D around.

  30. #30

    Default Re: Dangerous Do It Yourself Tools

    "TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
    tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect."

    Will be forwarding this one to a friend of mine - hopefully enough time has passed since the incedent for him to laugh at it.

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