Joke - Cows and Governments

> DEMOCRAT
> - You have two cows.
> - Your neighbor has none.
> - You feel guilty for being successful.
> - Barbara Streisand sings for you.
>
>
> REPUBLICAN
> - You have two cows.
> - Your neighbor has none.
> - So?
>
>
> SOCIALIST
> - You have two cows.
> - The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
> - You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
>
>
> COMMUNIST
> - You have two cows.
> - The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
> - You wait in line for hours to get it.
> - It is expensive and sour.
>
>
> CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
> - You have two cows.
> - You sell one, buy a bull, and create a herd of cows.
>
>
> DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> - You have two cows.
> - The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
> man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your
> government.
>
>
> BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
> - You have two cows.
> - The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for
> the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
>
>
> AMERICAN CORPORATION
> - You have two cows.
> - You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
> - You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised
> when one cow drops dead.
> - You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
> are reducing expenses.
> - Your stock goes up.
>
>
> FRENCH CORPORATION
> - You have two cows.
> - You go on strike because you want three cows.
> - You go to lunch and drink wine.
> - Life is good.
>
>
> JAPANESE CORPORATION
> - You have two cows.
> - You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
> produce twenty times the milk.
> - They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
> - Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
>
>
> GERMAN CORPORATION
> - You have two cows.
> - You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
> excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
> - Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
>
>
> ITALIAN CORPORATION
> - You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
> - While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
> - You break for lunch.
> - Life is good.
>
>
> RUSSIAN CORPORATION
> - You have two cows.
> - You have some vodka.
> - You count them and learn you have five cows.
> - You have some more vodka.
> - You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> - The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
>
>
> TALIBAN CORPORATION
> - You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
> - You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
> - Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the
> hospital.
>
>
> IRAQI CORPORATION
> - You have two cows.
> - They go in hiding.
> - They send radio tapes of their mooing.
>
>
> FLORIDA CORPORATION
> - You have a black cow and a brown cow.
> - Everyone votes for the best looking one.
> - Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
> - Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
> - Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
> - Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
> best-looking cow.
>
>
> CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
> - You have millions of cows.
> - Most are illegals.
> - Arnold likes the ones with the big boobs.

funny, thanks!

Bob

LMAO!!

Cow-aholic:

Considers the merits of two different kind of new cows. Decides to buy them both. This, despite having dozens of perfectly good cows stashed in every conceivable nook and cranny of his home, car, pants pockets, and belt.

He Pre-orders the cows, and kills time waiting by carrying on passionate discussions online over whether his still-yet-to-be-built cow has a device that will let it stand on its tail.

The cow-aholic ends up buying ten to fifteen of the newly released cows, then keeps the one or two that produce the whitest, most nutritious milk. The other cows are sold on B/S/T (bovines for sale or trade) for reduced prices that include domestic USPS Priority Mail shipping. PayPal preferred.

Some elite cow-aholics produce special, custom cows, that are better than can be bought in any store. These cows primarily come in two varieties. Very tiny, miniaturized cows that produce astounding amounts of milk, and specially modified creations where the body of a regular looking cow is replaced with the heart of a lion.

A genial chap in Arizona builds and sells world class EDCs (Excellent Daily Cows) and actually consults with cow-aholics as he designs and refines his new cows. The cow-aholics regard him with love and affection; he and his lovely wife can do no wrong.

This is in contrast to the love-hate relationship with a cow company in California that is so busy building rugged military cows that the cow-aholic population feels jilted and unappreciated from time to time. But its "tacticow" products are so darned bright, tough, and functionally good looking that in the end we cannot stay away from them.

Both of these cow producers have recently decided to stop selling their cows online; it appears that they've decided a proper cow-sultation cannot be performed except in a brick and mortar store. Also, they want to keep all the margins from online cow sales for themselves. The cow-aholics have accepted this from the beloved Arizona cowmaker. The cow-aholics are still bristling about the decision from the California folks, but no matter -- they don't care what whiny cow-aholics think, because the military is buying up all the cows they can make. See, they're already sold out of cows that aren't even on the website and won't be for months!

The cow-aholic decries the crass commercialism of storebought, mass market cows. They are cheap and rugged, but their milk is hopelessly "ringy" and splotchy. And they haven't innovated for years, so their lawyers spend lots of effort chasing after oxen and goats whose milk is vagely similar. But the cow-aholic eagerly buys these cows in order to feed them special sandwiches that drastically improve the cows' performance and runtime.

The cow-aholic eagerly waits for power outages and has his bug-out bag always ready for some civil disaster requiring immediate evacuation. Ample stocks of hay (packaged in MRE form), water, 123 batteries, tiny $10 shortwave radios, expensive folding knives, and illegal radioactive glowrings in a rainbow of colors are all shoehorned into a black cordura bag that transforms into a rapelling belt, handgun case, vest with 82 pockets, and cell phone holder.

Cow-aholics have a range of other hobbies, from ipods to computers to Russian wristwatches. One of the most vocal sub-groups loves cars. Strange turbocharged cars, mini-vans, Diesel powered Chevy Suburbans, and cars that run on "previously owned" french fry grease. If only the dastardly, scheming big-three automakers weren't trying to stifle innovation . . . then we could all be driving battery powered cars that would go 0-60 in the blink of an eye and would only cost pennies per mile. And just imagine the time savings from no oil changes or stopping at the gas station!

All in all, the cow-aholic is a happy camper, although I'm sure I left out many attributes of this unique species. Chime in and add to the saga, fellow cowhands!!

In good humor,

Dave

Avusblue:

I am IMPRESSED with your ability to milk a metaphor.
A truely moooooving dissertation. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbsup.gif

Avusblue.. that was truely an impressive bit of writing, nice to see there still are people who can use the written word eligantly. Lady knows I sure ain't one!

yes, udderly amazing, avisblue!

Bob

[ QUOTE ]
avusblue said:
All in all, the cow-aholic is a happy camper, although I'm sure I left out many attributes of this unique species. Chime in and add to the saga, fellow cowhands!!

In good humor,

Dave


[/ QUOTE ]

Regarding attributes:

Cow-aholics are becomming known as a rather civic minded group. They recently HERD that some servicemen in Iraq were unable to properly LIGHTEN their coffee, as they had to COW-TOW to an overworked supply chain which was only able to supply them with cheap military LIGHTner, which had been developed for use during WWII. A veritable STAMPEDE ensued, as cow-aholics ROUNDED UP as much of the "good stuff" as they could. Numerous large boxes of LIGHTener were quickly shipped out. As many cow-aholics were unfamiliar with international shipping procedures, one cow-aholic went to BATT for the group, and offered his STATION as a WHEY point for distribution. Boxes arriving in the hot desert sun were noticed to have a unique smell. Distribution in the field may be accomplished by way of "Bovine Bingo" in order to assure fairness.

(Alright, so I'm nowhere near as good as Dave.)

You guys are too kind. I had fun writing that; it honestly flowed out in all its unedited glory. Now come on, cowpokes, join Stainless and get to work adding to it!

Dave

Sorry, I can't come up with anything clever. My RAM is made up of cow chips... udderly useless.

Re: Cow-aholics

Just trying to mooooove this back to the top.

I think this thread proves that the urine powered flashlight thread is just a lot of bull!