Elderly Parents can make you emotionally fatigued

My mom is 65 years old and has advanced stages of Multiple Sclerosis. After dealing with grandparents with Alzheimers and Dementia, I have to say that having a sharp mind and a body that no longer obeys you is harder on the patient and the relatives. My mom has been in a constant state of depression for 10 years, will not plan/think logically etc. She has home help from 8am till 10 pm 24/7 to help dress, cook, bathroom trips, showers and clean for her. She is getting to the final advanced stage to where she will need 24 hour care at home and my brothers can not afford the extra $40,000 a year in order for her to stay in her house. I take care of 2 very young children and have to plan my time so far in advance that I still had to mow my grass in pouring down rain yesterday evening in order to stay on schedule and still did not finish.

I am at my wits end here. I do not wish to put her in a nursing home but when her finances are gone, I see not other recourse. I am not very good at taking care of her because of her attitude and trying to care for 2 dependant kids, maintain my own home and have a meal on the table for when my wife gets home.

I have offered to manage her finances for her: - no deal---
I have offered to help her find a more suitable place:- no deal---
I have offered to manage her employes (on my terms though)- no deal

I had to spend two hours today (time I did not have and missed a critical medical appointment for myself) soothing ruffled feathers of one of her helpers and herself because both of them are to proud to admit they were both wrong in an argument. So now I have to pay additonal money to get sitters again when I reschedule my appointment. I am to emotionally fatigued to be mad at this point.

for the record for people out there who might be contemplating 24 hour care for a loved one. My great great uncle was spending $105K a year and this was two years ago. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/mecry.gif

Sounds like a tough situation. I feel sorry for you and for your mother. Since you are a parent yourself, you know that you can never repay all the labor and love that your Mother gave you as a child. Please be patient with her. She needs someone to stand by her. Of course there is a limit to your resources and to what you can do for her, but you can always offer her love and respect. I hope you can arrange a situation that works out well for everyone.

One other thing that I try to remember when dealing with my mother is that how I treat her is the example that teaches my son how to treat me when it is my turn to be elderly.

Good Luck and hang in there.

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Lurker said:One other thing that I try to remember when dealing with my mother is that how I treat her is the example that teaches my son how to treat me when it is my turn to be elderly.

Good Luck and hang in there.

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That is one thing I have been trying to do is to keep my cool around my mom especially with the kids around. I remember when I was 13 year old and my grandparents were on the down turn. My mom was stressed out and did not really have the time to bu driving 20 miles one way to their house. Anyway, she was in such a hurry and yelling at me to hurry up and open the garage door that she started the car and peeled out it reverse as I was going for the door. My instints told me to wait without stepping behind the car. She ended up almost ripping the door from the tracks and possibly crushing my legs. Somehow I knew she was not thinking straight and my self preservation saved me. This is one situation that I have not brought up with her because now in her stage of life all she remembers is the good "happy moments". She is in a denial stage about things in her past life and I have caught her in so many lies that I take everything she says with a grain of salt. I called her doctor behind her back and found out that she has not seen her MS specialist in 2 years. when it come to MS you never gain abilities back the best they can do is maintain you where you are. So, I made the appoinment and made her go to Houston for a checkup. Results: she has degraded so for that they no longer think she can be stabilized. Effect: she will eventually need people to feed her and do absolutely everything for her. All this just because she was in denial about her disease and threatened her help with firing it they told us and was very good at covering it up.

That does sound like a very tough situation, and I feel for you. I actually dread the day that my husband and I might be put into this situation with one of our own parents.

If you don't mind my asking, are you active in a church? I'm not trying to convert you, but I work in a large church and we offer free programs for individuals and families in your situation - even if they are not church members. We have a team of volunteers that are able to stay with a family member so that you can go out and have free time when you need a break. We also have volunteers that will assist with housework, run errands, cook, etc., to help take some of the load off. I know this doesn't help you, but perhaps you could check around and see if there is anything similar in your area? (I am in the DFW area of Texas, for the record.) I have done some work for the Alzheimer's Association and they offer similar programs, so perhaps there is something locally available for people caring for individuals with MS? Your first step might be to contact someone with social services and just explain what you are looking for, or contact a few of the larger churches in your area, and see if they have any ideas or leads. Might be worth looking into.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Having had a parent with a stroke, I'm familar with the care / nursing home situation.

First off nursing homes are not as bad as their reputation, that being said one should pick carefully. Ask about staffing levels, employee turnover,
ration of Rn's to LPN's to nursing assistants etc. Much depends on the insurance financial resources of your mother. I'd suggest having a lay all the cards on the table discussion with her. Seek help from a lawyer concerning the financial situation and possible power of attorney, medical POA.
. It sounds like you may be able to seek guardianship based on loss of mental faculties.

I think you have a few choices. 1) COntinue as you are, with the consequences 2) Step back emotionally and let whatever be will be 3) Seek to establish a plan of care including the POA mentioned above.

Sooner or later choice 3 will need to happen anyway. I'd start now. I will tell you this parents can and will be stubborn as HE!!, but you
can make progress with steady rational discussion.

DaveH: My brothers and I have decided on option 2 while preparing for option3. We have already decided that its her money and she can spend it anyway she chooses. We have already been down this road with my wife's grandparents. When the spent everything we were the only one's that were around that had the ability to take care of business

Flashlight_widow: My mom has a priest that comes out every 2 weeks to do communion. She absolutely refuses to step inside church or do any social things because she is afraid of letting people see her like this (town of 60,000 people and everybody knows everybody else). She has emotionally isolated herself from the world. Tried therapy, no dice, took her to a head shrink over her objections, wasted money because she sat there for an hour and said two words Hello/Goodbye. Will only go to stores like Wal Mart only if we drive hour and half away, yada, yada, yada. She only has two friends left from her childhood and they are dropping hints that they have had enough.

led-lurker, I can offer no words of wisdom, but I can empathize to some extent. My parents are a lot older than your mother, but luckily for their age, are in relatively good health right now (there have been some ups and downs over the past several years). Even so, "concern" for them takes a huge toll, not just emotionally, but mentally, physically, and to some extent, financially as well.

Have you tried checking out MS support groups in your area, or even online? Also, are there any caregiver support groups?

You are traveling a really tough road, and I feel for you. Please do remember to take care of yourself and your children first, and I hope things work out.

I saw this with my Grandmother. Grandma lived with my parents for 9 years. She could push my Mother's buttons, and it was a terrible nine years for my Mom and Dad. Grandma outlived both of my parents.

You need to take care of yourself and your family first.

Sounds like she would be better off in a nursing home.

After my Mother passed away, Grandma went into a nursing home, and was actually better off. She got her meds on time and couldn't push the buttons of the people around her.

You need to get her into a nursing home while there is still enough money to do it. If she uses it all up, she won't have options (only the County Home for the poor). My Grandmother had to have about $130,000, in liquid assets, in addition to her Social Security and Pension, to be able to get into the home we picked for her. That was five years ago and she was 94 years old. If the money eventually ran out, they would accept Medicade, but they wouldn't take her initially, if she were on Medicade.

You may need to see an Attorney and have her declared incompetent. That isn't easy to prove. Sounds like things are at the point, where you have to put yourselves first. Just remember, she will be getting better care in the nursing home and you all will be healthier too.

Sincerely,
oldgrandpajack

PS: Not all the elderly behave this way. I have told my children to not put up with me, if I get like my Grandmother.

I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't. Both my parents have problems, I spent New-years day in ER waiting room and Memorial weekend in ER with the other parent. I can see where this is headed and I really dread it. I came to realize we come into this world as helpless babies and often leave just as helpless. I'm a single guy and often wonder who is going to do this for me when it's my turn. Ah well I can only do, what I can do. I am not a superman.


GregR

Re: Elderly Parents can make you emotionally fatig

led-lurker,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can sympathize quite well, since me and my brother have a similar problem. My mother has ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) with dementia. It has completely occupied both of our lives, since she doesn't have anyone else (she's from another country and has no other relatives here, and my Father's already dead).

I swear it's worse on us than it is on her. I've seen some TV programs on Alzheimer's, and they say that caretakers suffer from stress, high blood pressure, and even stroke.

My brother, in fact, totally lost it a few weeks ago at the ALS clinic. He blew up and started screaming and swearing in the hallway, until one of the nurses finally escorted him to a room and the Neurologist calmed him down. We have both been at our wits end.

We are also looking into a home. I don't like the idea, but we really don't know what else to do at this point. Things just can't continue like this for much longer.

Anyway, I wish I had some advice but I don't. All I can say is hang in there, and try to take it one day at a time. That's all I've been able to do.

Re: Elderly Parents can make you emotionally fatig

I had to place my Dad in a home at the beginning of this year... My Mom had been taking care of him and it was just getting too much for her (and I could not take the time needed myself either).

But the story--I was at the home visiting my Dad and talking with the director of the unit during former president Reagan's funeral... She talked to a few of the folks there and asked them if they remembered him... A couple replied back that "of course, they remembered the Hollywood actor." And when she told them that he had Alzheimer when he died--she got back "boy--I sure hope that I never get that illness."

You are correct Alzheimer's/Dementia is much harder on the families than the patients themselves.

Take care,
-Bill

Re: Elderly Parents can make you emotionally fatig

I can sympathize with the problems concerning the elderly. My wife's father mercifully passed away just as his Alzheimer's disease was starting into a rapid descent. At least he avoided the long-term decline.

We are now very concerned about how we will manage my own father's aging issues......he has gotten loud and combative over every little issue in his children's lives. It is difficult to discuss anything without provoking an angry or suspicious response. Like living on an active volcano!

Re: Elderly Parents can make you emotionally fatig

God Bless you LED--- I know it is tough.

I essentially gave up my life to give full time care to my Father with Alzheimers about six years ago. My mother was going to put him in a home, and I just didn't want him to live out his last years in fear and misery. So I moved in with them, and took care of him... It was hard, but it was worth it. We never got along for the first 47 years of my life, but the last six years we got to be good friends. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

He "Passed Away" about 18 months ago, and now I'm taking care of my mother who is in the (fortunately early stages of) Alzheimers... I know that it is going to be tougher taking care of her since she is a female... But I have no intention of turning her care over to strangers.

It may be hell on the caregivers... But I think it is worth it if there is any way you can do it. But by the same token, I hope that a mountain falls on me before I get to that point, which I rather imagine is in store for me since genetics shows a propensity for it.

Fortunately I have no children of my own, and I was sick of my marriage, so I didn't give anything up in that respect.
I have to admit that I don't know how I could have done it if I had a real family of my own. Just do the best you can, and I'll keep you in my prayers

Re: Elderly Parents can make you emotionally fatig

my grandma is a teror man she is mean but i love her. she got thrown out of a asaited liveing home. so my dad got her she lives with him now shew was like 50 lbs or something now she is heavier like the weight she shouldbe lol she yells at him all day but my dad he is good at dealing with it he takes her for rides every day she loves to go for rides and go to wendys