Seinfeld fan? Here's a thread for you!

Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

George: Oh yeah, well the life support machine called and, . . . . . .. . . . . stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. . .As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kramer: Jerry, George got arrested.

Jerry: What?

Kramer: Yeah. He went at the Beatman, he tried to land, but they cheesed him.

Jerry: Oh now I see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old Man in the Park: That bird just flew into your head. Never seen THAT before! Bird into a woman's head. It's like he couldn't avoid it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kramer: "It's Fusilli Jerry! It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?"
Jerry: "When did you do this?"
Kramer: "In my spare time. You know, I'm working on one of you George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual."
Jerry: "Why fusilli?"
Kramer: "Because you're silly. Get it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And one of my all time favorites:

KRAMER: I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey. . . really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that ..he did it. Well, . . .I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I *whap* let him have it.
JERRY: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?
KRAMER: Well, he started it!
JERRY: It's a monkey, Kramer!
KRAMER: Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.
JERRY: Well, I still think it's wrong.
KRAMER: Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead.
JERRY: I'm not taking anyone's side.

MR. PLESS: Ah, Mr. Kramer?
KRAMER: Yes.
MR. PLESS: Thanks for coming.
KRAMER: So, uh, what did you want to see me about?
MR. PLESS: Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of a problem with Barry.
KRAMER: Barry?
MR. PLESS: The chimpanzee.
KRAMER: Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?
MR. PLESS: Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he had with you the other day.
KRAMER: So, so what do you want me to do?
MR. PLESS: Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.
KRAMER: Yeah, well he started it.
MR. PLESS: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.
KRAMER: So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done for the monkey!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

"George is getting upset!"

Might also like this site :
http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

Perry: It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.

Jerry hands the catalog to George.

George: The Rogue's Wallet. That's where he kept his card, his dirty little

secret. Short, devious, balding. his name was Costanza. He killed my mother.

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

I sure would like to see the lines where George's father explains what Festivus is and how it's observed. Anyone have that interchange?

Paul

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.

ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?

GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it..

JERRY: When George was growing up..

GEORGE: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!

JERRY: His father..

GEORGE: No!

JERRY: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.

ELAINE: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FRANK: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?

KRAMER: Well, just tell me everything, huh?

FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!

KRAMER: What happened to the doll?

FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"

KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.

FRANK: She was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)

KRAMER: Well, Happy Festivus.

GEORGE: What is that? Is that the pole?!

FRANK: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.

GEORGE: (Sulking) That's why I hate it.

KRAMER: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.

FRANK: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard)

FRANK: Read that poem.

GEORGE: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!

FRANK: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!

ESTELLE: Leave him alone!

FRANK: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.


(George has a break down)

GEORGE: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!

FRANK: We had some good times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Everyone sits around the table. Kruger recognized Kramer from "The Meat Slicer" episode..) KRUGER: Dr.. Van Nostrand?

KRAMER: Uh.. that's right.

(Cut to Frank)

FRANK: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!

GEORGE: Oh, God.

FRANK: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought. (Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame".

FRANK: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.

GEORGE: Not the feats of strength..

FRANK: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.

KRAMER: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.

JERRY: I thought you were on strike?

KRAMER: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.

GEORGE: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?

(Exit Kramer)

KRUGER: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?

FRANK: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!

GEORGE: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!

FRANK: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!

(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)

ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie!

GEORGE: Oh, come on! Be sensible.

FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!

GEORGE: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!

FRANK: This is the best Festivus ever!

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

And can't do without -

"Hoochie Mama!"

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

The Festivus Pole

Not a tree, a pole. No decorations. Tinsel is very distracting from the true meaning of the holiday. The pole is tall, silver, hollow, long, skinny, and heavy.

The Airing of Grievances

This is the part of the holiday where you tell your family and friends all the ways they have disappointed you during the year.

The Feats of Strength

This is the time during the celebration where the head of the family tests his strength against one lucky person. Festivus is not over until the head of the family is pinned. You are allowed to decline only if you have something to do instead. (Which is something members of the Costanza family rarely have.)
http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/festivus.php

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

PaulW, more reading for you:

http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheStrike.htm

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, where I remained..

She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi..

The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage..

Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole..

In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man.

Thank you.

Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out.

Thanks again.

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheMaid.htm


COCO: What did you say about my Gammy?

GEORGE: Forget Gammy.

KRUGER: Who's Gammy?

GEORGE: There's no Gammy.

KRUGER: Maybe there should be a Gammy.

GEORGE: Oh, no.

KRUGER: George.

ALL (chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!

GEORGE: Gammy's gettin' upset!

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

No soup for you. Next!!

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

May thanks to all of you for the Festivus info. Great links -- I didn't know they existed.

Well, I finally have it in print. Festivus seems like an austere, yet appropriate, celebration that my family would enjoy. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Paul

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

can this be had on DVD RC2 ?
bernhard

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

My favorites:

George (to Jerry): "What kind of a man ARE you?"
Jerry (to George): "I'm a lot like you. Only successful."

and:

Jerry (to George): "So you want to be my latex salesman."

and:

Kramer: "I'm out!"





/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackup.gif

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

Kramer: Hey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there.

Newman (salivating): Turkey?

Kramer: A big fat turkey.

Newman: I'm sorry I missed that.

Kramer: He worked so hard and then he just--

*Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all over himself.*

Kramer: What is this, oregano?

*Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts through carrying a bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over Kramer.*

Kramer: Look at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter!.........Look at me!

Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch of green leaves and hands them to Kramer.

Newman: Here. Hold this.

Kramer: What is this, parsley?

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheFatigues.html

Kramer: What happened?

Frank: I went too far. I over seasoned it. Men were keeling over all around
me. I can still hear the retching, the screaming. I sent sixteen of my own men
to the latrines that night. They were just boys.

Kramer: Frank, you were a boy too. And it was war. It was a crazy time for
everyone.

Frank: Tell that to Bobby Colby. All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well
he went home alright, with a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet. Had to
sit him on a cork the eighteen-hour flight home!



These episodes will be on TBS tonight :

"The Pothole",
George takes extreme measures to locate his lost Yankees key ring.

The Dealership",
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend

"The English Patient",
Jerry lifts weights with his parents' Florida neighbor

"The Nap",
George discovers how to take a nap at work and not get caught.

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

Just some empty calories and some male curiosity, eh Georgie??!!!

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

Jerry: Whats that?
Kramer: thats Estelle's and Frank's reaction to hearing about George's Man Love for a fem-Jerry.

-The Cartoon-

Rich

Re: Seinfeld fan? Here\'s a thread for you!

George: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...

Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage.

George: Yes. Significant shrinkage!

Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.

George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

Jerry: Well, so what's the difference?

George: What if she discusses it with Jane?

Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.

George: How do you know?

Jerry: Women aren't like us.

George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.

George: How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?

Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?

George: No.

Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...

Elaine: It shrinks?

Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!

Elaine: Why does it shrink?

George: It just does.

Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

There's still time to get your Festivus pole. They also have invitations and a handy Airing of Grievances form.