I am so confused...

So, I am in a little bit of a dilemma... It seems kind of trivial compared to some of the things that have been happening to some of the members here lately, but I am kind of curious as to what advice I will get.

I recently started seeing a girl (I am 25, she is 22) who has a 2 year old son, and is also 3 months pregnant. (not mine). I am very confused over that situation to begin with - I am scared of the fact that she is pregnant. The trouble is that I really do like her and it is also easy to put the pregnancy out of my mind right now because it is too early to show.

I also may have a job possibility half way across the country from where I am right now (a good 5 hour flight away). The pay is horrible ($250 a month salary) but it is very badly needed experience. The other catch with that job is that I may have to show up and talk to the owner in person to be able to have a chance at getting it. (There is a stack of resumes already believe it or not)

I just don't know if I should go for the job (which would also at the same time mean breaking up with the girl) or should I keep working here in a job that I don't want to be doing. If I stay here, should I keep seeing her, or am I getting myself into a bad situation? Does anybody here have any experience with something even remotely similar?

If you stay at your current dead end job, basically for this young woman and her children ..... would you eventually start to resent the fact that you made this sacrifice?

Are you fully prepared to have an instant family and all the responsibility that comes with it?

Do you think the feeling that you have for this woman is genuine love, or mostly a sense of obligation and not wanting to be the "bad guy" if you left her?

Do you honestly feel that you have some kind of happy/positive future with this woman and her children?

Do you think that this woman and her children are more important than you?

Many questions, that only you can answer.

As for the woman, how the heck does a 22 year old get to the point of being a single mother with another on the way and the father(s) are out of the picture? Maybe there is a good reason or maybe it was due to bad choices and irresponsibility. I mean, she is with you now but just 3 months ago she was letting another man impregnate her??? I would be very uncomfortable about her character unless there is a good explanation for this. If she has character problems, I would call it off ASAP. If you make a commitment to a flaky or slutty woman, then you are going to come home one day and find her banging the pizza boy. Then all your sacrifice was for nothing.

As for the kids. I am a father and I can tell you that it is a huge responsibility and harder than anyone thinks before they get into it. This is doubly true if they are not your own flesh and blood. When I was 25 I was not ready to settle down for parenthood, and definitely not for 2 stepchildren. Heck, even being a spouse to a pregnant wife was a real pain in the tail because they need a lot of support dealing with the sickness, weariness, etc.

On the other hand, if this is true love and you really want to be with this woman and her children, then by all means, step up to the plate and become a husband/father. It is the noblest thing you can do with your life and will make you a better man if you can stand up to it. Just be sure you are going to keep your commitment (and she is going to keep hers). Don't be the guy that gets involved for a while and then abandons them again. Also, don't lead her on now if you have no intention of taking on the baggage. If it is doomed, then cut it off quickly. You owe that to her. Also be aware that the two of you will spend most of your time and energy on the kids and very little of it on each other, so make sure you have your eyes open on that point.

As for the job, it doesn't sound like it is worth crossing the country at your own expense just to interview for it. And for the money, it isn't worth moving there for it either unless you think there is a huge upside potential (big comissions, etc). $250/month? What's that? That's not even your grocery bill-- nevermind rent, transportation, etc. What is the rest of the compensation package?? It had better be considerable otherwise you are basically working for free. You can earn 3 times that at McDonalds without a diploma. But you have a lot more information on your goals and how this might fit into them, so you have to weigh that yourself.

Could you be considering this job just as a way to get out of the relationship? If so, don't turn one mistake into another.

At the age of 25, you have your whole adult life ahead of you and the decisions you make now will absolutely determine the trajectory of that life. Whatever you decide, make sure you are thinking about where those decisions will place you in 10, 20 or 30 years and make sure that you are happy about that.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

How much is rent in Canada? If you can live on $250/month salary, I'll be there in a coulpe weeks to retire! I'm 28 years old and my rent is $1200/month right now...

Having been with this girl for less than three months, I think Lurker has given the best possible advice. You need to be objective and consider your wants and needs in this matter before you commit to someone else.

-Randy

With young kids involved, serious committment is called for. That doesn't mean marriage right away, but at least a mature responsible approach to your relationship. It may actually be good to put some distance between the two of you for awhile and see how you both handle that. Why must it require "breaking up"? Is she insisting on that? If so, that kind of pressure is certainly not a good sign IMHO.

The most important thing for this woman is stability/security and obviously on $250/mo you can't provide financially. Should you decide to commit your life to this family, you'll probably need to look at everything in a whole different way from now on.

It's good you asked advice here, but I suggest friends who know you much better would be more capable of support and help, especially older married ones. Looks to me like you're growing up fast, so forget those single yahoos. I'm in Toronto and would be pleased to meet you in person, if you ever visit here. Best wishes,

Peter

Well, I have dated 2 different women who had kids before I met my wife. Once when I was 22, so was she, and she had a 2 year old. It was OK, but I was for sure not ready to be a father for one thing. Another was that if it had not been for her living with her wealthy parents, and them always being available to do baby sitting duty, we would have never had time to hang out alone. Regardless of how strong your relationship is even at this early stage, you will never be able to escape the reality of the "men from the past" who will inevitably pop up and become a part of your life, too. Especially if they want to have anything at all to do with their kids. (I am guess the two kids have different fathers?)

I am now 32, and have been married just shy of 4 years. We don't have any children, either between our marriage or that we brought into it. At this point, we feel that our marriage is stronger becuase of that, too. We have made the decision that if we have kids, we will plan ahead and do so when our lives are ready for it. It sounds like this girl is not giving you the same opportunity. Either you have her AND her kids or you don't.

As far as the job goes, if $250 is the actual salary, that works out to $1.56 an hour for 160 hours a month work. That is less than 33% of the federal minimum wage. HHMM, sounds fishy.

Sounds like too many unknowns. Get out and live your life first. Don't get caught in a relationship trap that you will regret a few years down the line and be spiteful towards her.

It sounds very harsh, but there is too much "baggage" there...

I agree with nightgaunt. I have to be honest, and this may seem a bit harsh, but my advice is to run - fast and far. For being only 22, this girl has a lot of baggage - and dating a girl who is a mere 12 weeks pregnant with someone else's child is probably going to be difficult - to say the least. I think you could be friends and enjoy spending some time together, but as far as relationships go, you would be better served seeing what else is out there.

Actually...many young people that age today have "alot of baggage".

I was gonna stay out of this, but I can't help it. Are you familiar with the Kobyashi Maru? Star Trek fans know it as the NO-WIN-SCENARIO. You've got too much of your life ahead of you to be paying for someone else's bad judgement. Not only does she have the burden of two kids by another father(s), but she will have emotional damage as well. My recommendation: Don't try to be a hero and rescue her. Surely there is someone else who doesn't need to be rescued.
I know it hurts to hear this. Sorry, really.
EDIT: P.S. I'm very experienced in failed relationships and this looks like an excellent way to generate one.

Maybe if you're asking this crowd, you already know the answer in your heart, so I'll add my 2 cents.

Get out now. Another state sounds like a fine idea.

Touchy feelings are fine, but you need to have a clear, cold eye for life's big decisions. The person you stay with should be able to stand by you when the chips are down, do what needs to be done, NOT do the things that shouldn't be done even when tempted.

Exactly as you should you for her.

This does not sound like that person.

Move on. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

notamchris Please don't feel sorry for her. Your sole purpose in life is not (I gurantee) to take care of that girl or to make her happy at your own expense. 25 is young. Do you really want a pre-made familly? Are you ready to become an instant father? (worse yet, of children that arn't yours?)

For someone you "recently started seeing" I believe that the responsabilities and pressures associated with the relationship are just too much at this stage in your life.
The most significant factor for me is that you came in here asking for help. Obviously you have strong enough doubts to ask a bunch of (friendly and respectable) strangers for advice. I suggest you act now and end the relationship and carry on with your life before the emotions gets too strong and send you down a rocky road. Please act soon!

Thank you for the advice everybody... There is a quote that I heard once:

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

I think that this rings true in my situation here. I really should call things off and also try to work on getting that job. I just wish that it was an easy thing to do...

A couple of notes about the job: First of all, it is not something that I am contemplating just as a way to leave the situation although it would be convenient. I have known about the possibility of getting this job for almost a year now although it has just become more plausible. Also, $250 a month is the pay and that is NOWHERE near what I would need to survive on, but the experience is valuable and I am working in a very tough industry where some people have actually paid money to work just so that they could get this kind of experience which leads to better jobs.

Chris,

I know it won't be easy, but in the long run you must respect yourself and look out for "you". Doesn't mean you have to be some "me first" damn everyone else kind of person. Just means that you have to do what you feel is best for you sometimes too.

Good luck, and I really mean that.

Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. 25 is way too young to get tied down with even your own children, let alone somebody elses. I wouldn't even want to get in a similar situation now at age 41. As someone already said in this thread, anybody who has one child with another on the way at 22, and with the father(s) nowhere in sight, has some serious issues. If nothing else they're irresponsible about not using birth control, or perhaps attempted to use having a child to keep their boyfriend from leaving (which obviously didn't work). Add to this the fact that it appears your job prospects, at least for the not too distant future, don't provide enough income to support even yourself, let alone a girlfriend and two children. Given these circumstances, there would likely be constant fighting over finances. Overall, the prospects for long term happiness in this sort of relationship look dim.

"If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. If you keep pulling back, the houses get bigger again."

Dear Chris, had to laugh reading this--sounds like you're a pilot and know all about 'spins'! "I am so confused" reminds me of a moth that can't help diving into the hot light bulb, stunning itself until completely unconscious, and finally dead.

CPF is full of wise caring folks who continue to humble me watching them interact, mostly from the sidelines since I don't yet know anyone so well. My own experiences with women involved a few living in the fast lane, so to speak, whom I tried hard to help, but unfotunately I was so caught up in their vortex that it came at a heavy price. Still, some good was done and I was protected, I believe, because my motives were essentially good.

I think it's obvious to everyone that has offered helpful opinions here, all protective of you, that you're a very good-hearted responsible person. Taking care of yourself and making the right career choices will establish the security and strength that will ultimately allow you to be all you now want to be, for those you love. Youth is the time to build a strong foundation while you in anticipation of when you may not be able to.

Love sometimes is best served in separation. Sacrifice comes in different forms. I continue to love those women after so many years and probabably always will, though I've no idea where they are. I learned a lot from them, albeit unknowingly. Only wish I was not quite so blown away and more of a real man back then, when it counted.

Hope this makes a little sense...it's from my heart, not head.

Hi,
I took a look at your personal section, and if this job is related to your posted one perhaps you can tell this boss to go stick it and come to the mid east and make a real living for a while.

Check out a web page called www.militaryhire.com it might be useful. Lots of exotic jobs if you look for them.

Give you a hint, finish a contract in Iraq, and people will be knocking on your door. Right now Ive got a few.

One place makes large scale commo simulators for USG and the military.

Another is working on indoor applicaitons for GPS

A third is making ECM gadgits for IED triggers.

Lots of exotic goods.

PM me for the list I share with troopers, it might help you out.

Later dude
Jack Crow in Iraq
down to 60 days before returning to the world.

He's Canadian, Jack, and unfortunately so am I.

[ QUOTE ]
notamchris said:
Thank you for the advice everybody... There is a quote that I heard once:

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

I think that this rings true in my situation here. I really should call things off and also try to work on getting that job. I just wish that it was an easy thing to do...

[/ QUOTE ]

It never will be easy... I am glad that you have the right idea and hope that you put that idea into motion instead of just knowing that it is the right one.

All the best with your job situation. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbsup.gif