Friendship after Sex

My 21 year old son is in the midst of dumping his 25 year old girlfriend with whom he has had a three year intimate relationship and feels that he can maintain a platonic friendship with her in the future.He and I have a differance of opinion on this so we have decided to ask for the impartial opinions of those of you who are experianced in this situation.So what do you think? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/help.gif

Most of my best friends are exes. I think it works rather well, actually.

Depends on the people involved... many people think men and women can never be completely platonic friends due to the underlying sexual tension... but it seems to work sometimes... I guess it all depends on how sexuality factors into your definition of friendship.

IMHO-- women can be platonic friends with men, but men can only get about 80% of the way there... the desire will always be there to some degree for the man, that's just the way the male mind works.

I think it's not really possible, but depending on the persons and the old feelings, a try would confirm that or not /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

When a woman dumps a guy, she's more than happy to stay friends. When a guy dumps a woman, she considers it a slap in the face that he'd want to stay friends.

Probably best to separate cleanly for a while then see if a friendship is still there......

give say 2 to 3 months no contact...

The desire for friendship at the end of an intimate relationship happens when we hope to end that relationship amicably.

I can second the opinions voiced above. While it is not impossible, there may be a waning desire to maintain that friendship as time progresses and an indiviual moves on with life.

Isn't that called Marriage.....

Since your son is the dumper, he can forsee the friendship. I suspect the dumpee will be less generous. Of course, it depends on the individuals' personalities, the amount of rancor and blame, all that, but no one likes to be dumped, right?

daloosh

Since your son is the dumper, he can forsee the friendship. I suspect the dumpee will be less generous. Of course, it depends on the individuals' personalities, the amount of rancor and blame, all that, but no one likes to be dumped, right?

That said, as loalight said, I've remained very close to several exes, but it certainly took the passage of time to heal the rift.

daloosh

The breakup really needs to be both people's decision [in other words, they both realize they aren't meant for eachother] for there to be a do-able friendship. If one of the two still has some feelings, or is totally in love then the "let's just be friends" line is one of the biggest knives to the back. I know because I've been through this with two girls in my past. They led me on, gave me some 'cuddles and kisses' on the couch, then decided that they wanted to 'just be friends'. The way I saw it, I already HAD enough friends. I wanted something deaper. Plus the thought of seeing them pursuing another guy, I would have been even more devistated, especially if she wanted to talk about her new love to me.

Now fast forward to the present. Realizing that neither of these two girls were a match for me, . . . . . . . . .not even nearly as good of a match as my wife is with me, I bet I could have a decent conversation on how they are doing now, and maybe even consider them a friend because the whole notion of being intimate with them [and spending a lifetime together] is no longer valid. So, I could be a friend to them now. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

But the disclaimer would be that my WIFE wouldn't want me to be friends with them. I think it's cute when she's a little possessive. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif

I think tha key is friendship first and then tha sex. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
All that follows is denouement. We need a cigarette graemlin.

Depends on tha factors involved in tha breakup:

Bad stuff - Huston...we have a problem and she is holdin' a butcher knife at three in tha A of M.

Mutual breakup - possibilities exist. Even future "reunions". Need another graemlin now.

Bad breakup - must be into boiling tha bunnies and things of this nature and so on and so forth. Go see "Terminator XXVII".

You don't wanna even hear about tha horrors of "Stripper 3.2 Beta - Breakin' Up is...Infinite Nightmares."

CHOPPERS!

Fin

Every relationship is unique so I can't say it's impossible, but my experience has been that it is not a good idea to pursue the platonic relationship. A clean break is best for everyone in the long run. There's always going to be one person that is holding on to hope for something more and that prevents moving on to the next relationship.

Here's a suggestion for the next "intimate relationship": don't sleep with her until you are both ready to make a long term commitment to each other. I'm no prude, but that is really the best way to do it.

Mrd 74, the more important issue is the fact that you seem to be trying to interfere with your 21 year old's personal relationship. Let him figure it out for himself. That is what being 21 is all about. I'll throw my advice out there for him, but it is just a post on the internet. You two have a lifetime ahead of you. Give him some room to make his own mistakes.

This may sound harsh and too close minded, but it's impossible to stay non-sexual friends after a sexual relationship.
Only time that happens is when one person (usually the male) has hopes for future romance and the other (usually the female) strings them along, becuase of the numerous benifits of having a guy "friend" without having to give anything in return. The females will usually have no respect for those men that become their friends, which is why they decided to make them "friends" in the first place.
This is also usualy true the other way around, but happens much less often when the male is the "stringer".
Those are the people they basically use, and may even enter into relationships when they are out of options and are desperate/lonely. 99% of those desperation relationships are just that, and never work out in the end just to leave the "used" party even more emotionally disfigured.

Search Google for "ladder theory"... It's a very cynical and one sided view of things, and is to be taken with a grain of salt, but has some undeniable truth in it.

Friends to lovers happens on rare occasions, and even works out on rare occasions. Lovers to friends happens often but only to result in loss of contact anyhow. They will talk and stay friends, but when one or both find someone else they will slowly drift apart and cease to communicate. Or one of them is still alone, in that case they will be the nagging ex looking to fill some emotional void.

Males tend to be effecient creatures. And if thought of logically, there is no reason to keep an ex as a friend (at least a close one) around.

This is just my theory on things. I have experienced it from both sides and upside down and can say for a fact that pleutonic sustained relationships between males and females cannot exist.

Better than enemies!

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rocketmaninphx said:
Isn't that called Marriage.....

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/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackup.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackup.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackup.gif Very funny!! And, oh, how true. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I would say the "friendship" part would be difficult, at best. Imagine her feelings when she sees him on a date with another girl. I honestly don't think it'll work. I like the idea of a six month cool-off period prior to beginning a platonic relationship.

well, it didn't work for me or my x-girlfriend. so i'd have to throw a vote in the "doesn't work" column.

but it really depends on the two individuals involved.

I've done it. Works better if the people actually ARE friends in addition to anything else in their relationship.

Which reminds me, there are a couple of people i really should drop an email to and check up to see how they are doing...

I have done it successfully.... but it was "Friendship WITH Sex" for the first year or so. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/naughty.gif

And still "just" good friends now.

I think the spelling "plutonic" over platonic might be more of an apt description. As in going ballistic/nuclear.

Leadfoot