Sold/Expired FREE - Just Make Us Laugh!

I am giving away the following two unusual 3AA-to-D-cell adapters for free, postage included.

Unusual only because they are not from Elektrolumens or anyone else here, they were original manufacturer's equipment from a complete flashlight (which I no longer have) and were available well before the other 3-to-D adapters were even conceived. They appear to be of sound construction with chromed steel strapware and springs serving as contacts, all firmly riveted to their resin casings:






How you "win" these goes like this:

Post a joke here (that I can share later with a mixed group of semi-raunchy, dark humor-loving, well-seasoned police-men and -women during my daily pre-shift briefings) because I have run out of jokes! We do go over police matters during these briefings of course, but I always like to send everybody on the road with a smile.

Any really over-the-top (yet really funny and deserving to be shared) jokes can be PM'd to me privately.

So after the jokes are all posted (let's give it two or three days), I will pick the "best" one IMHBWQO (In My Humble But Well-Qualified Opinion), and ship the adapters off to the winner.

In the rare case of a tie I may just send one to each, but I doubt very much that two jokes will be exactly equally funny - again IMHBWQO.

Thanks for reading, and that even goes for anyone not submitting anything, since we might all hopefully get a chuckle (or a big belly laugh) outta this, winner or not.

************************************************************

UPDATE on latest distribution plan for the expanded pallet of prizes:

[ QUOTE ]
Okay, here is what I have decided.

There were many really good jokes and several (IMHBWQO) great ones, and I've got two or three dozen pretty much at a "tie" in my mind.

So I am going to beef up the prizes, put each submitter's name in a hat (one per, since some of you very generously waded in with so many contributions), and draw the top several depending on how many prizes the following pictures are divided into (I'll figger this part out later), and then let the first drawee pick first, the second picks second and so on.

Here're the beefed-up prize winnings:

Descriptions are as follows (left-to-right starting with the top row):

Door or window alarm (as seen on TV!)

Cabinet alarm (same principle, alarm sounds when base and magnetic trigger pad are separated)

Jen-U-Wine Honolulu Police Department keyfob all-metal badge replica (not available to the general public and may result in a get-outta-jail-free-card one dark night out on a lonely stretch of road when you're pulled over for speeding or have had a little too much to drink - just tell the kindly officer you're my brother- or sister-in-law or something)

The original two 3AA-to-D adapters

Two steel cable torque-apart key rings as sold by FlashLightLens, one in each size

Snapit Alert alarm - now this one is triggered by LIGHT (see the little sensor window? How appropriate for us) - you set it, place it in your briefcase or flashlight safe or wherever you want to protect that's dark inside, and upon opening (and incoming light hitting the sensor) it will bleat out an irritating intruder alert

An authentic JIMI Wallet guaranteed to make you discard your traditional "fat" old-fashioned wallet forever (choice of semi-opaque blue shown, or semi-opaque white, slip folded money into the clip on left and up to five credit cards on right)

Two TWOK-binned Luxeon stars

"Lava Lamp" style nightlight, except the gentle warmth created by the lamp causes the shiny little mirror plates within to slowly tumble and sparkle, creating a warm and inviting sleep-inducing atmosphere (great for kids)


And here's a close-up of the back of those Luxeon stars (just so's ya know I'm not foolin' on them nice Bin Codes):

[/ QUOTE ]

ALSO one more prize - DarkGear has kindly added THREE MORE of the 3AA-to-D adapters (exact same versions as I am offering) so we got even more prizes now.

A guy goes into a bar. He sees a horse at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "what's up with the horse?". The bartender replies, "he's here for a contest and if you make him laugh, you win $500". The man walks down to the horse, wispers in his ear and the horse starts cracking-up viciously. The bartender is amazed and pays the guy the money.

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and sees the horse again. He again asks the bartender what's up with the horse. "Is the contest still on?", he asked. The bartender replies, "no, not that same contest. Now we're paying $1000 to anyone that can make the horse cry". So the guy goes over to the horse and within seconds the horse is bawling his eyes out.

As the guy collects his winnings, the bartender asks, "I have to ask you what you said to that horse. You must really have his number, because you were the only one to get him to both laugh and cry". The guy responds, "yesterday, I told the horse that I was bigger. today, I showed him".

How over the top?(for PM purposes of course) /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/naughty.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/popcorn.gif

I've got a good Bar/Animal joke /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
here goes:
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohgeez.gif

Christmas Carol Parrot

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'
"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says,

"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of it wings, I'll break one of your arms!"



The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"

How about silly jokes?

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

Two fish were in a tank, and one says to the other "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"

Two birds were sitting on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

A fairly plain girl once walked into the doctor's with a sore knee. It turned out that unlike the rest of her, the knee was simply gorgeous. The doctor proclaimed: "What's a joint like you doing in a girl like this?"

A sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A bear walked into a bar and the tender said "we don't serve bears here." The bear started to get irritated and said "why not?" The tender just repeated his last statement. The bear said: "I need a beer! give it to me or I'll rip your arms off!" Bartender just repeats himself. The bear, in a rage, tore off a piece of the bar and ate it! The tender said: "sorry, we don't serve druggies here. The bear said: "what?" Bartender sais: "I saw that bar bit you ate!"

That's enough for now or I'll get in trouble from my boss. That wasn't a joke!

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender turns to the mushroom and says "we don't serve your type here so please leave" The mushroom, obviously hurt by the statement, replies... "oh, c'mon I'm a fungi!"

Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fun-gii.

Why did he leave early?
Because there wasn't mush-room.

There was a blind man that always wanted to try sky diving. He shared his wish with his friend, thinking it would never be possible. Then one day much to his surprise, an opportunity presented itself and he was able to arrange to jump from a plane.

The next time he ran into his friend, he very excitedly shared his feelings of exhilaration and overwhelming joy with his friend. His friend, sharing in his excitement and still in dis-belief said, "I just have one question, since you can't see the ground, how do you know when to prepare for the landing?"
Our friend, the jumper replied, "it's really quite simple, just before you hit the ground, the leash on the dog goes slack!"

Okay, but you asked for it:

10. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

7. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "yes, I'm positive."

6. Did you hear the one about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: trascend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

4. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replies, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, wasked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

1. Then there was the person who posted ten different puns to CPF, with the hope that one of them would win the prize. No pun in ten did.

A bear and a rabbit are taking dump in the woods. They start up a conversation to pass the time while "taking care of business"
The rabbit says "Well, I guess we know the answer to that question..."
"What question?" asks the bear.
"You know, the old saying, does a bear go in the woods?" replies the rabbit.
The bear says "Oh yea, that one. Ha-Ha very funny rabbit. Mind if I ask you a question, wise guy?"
"Go ahead!" Says the rabbit.
The bear then asks " Does "stuff" stick to your fur when you relieve yourself?"
The rabbit replies "Yea, it sure does, and you know what else.."
Before the rabbit could finish his sentence, the bear reached over, picked up the rabbit and used him for toilet paper. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hahaha.gif

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under
his arm. The dog is wearing a Pittsburg Steelers
jersey and helmet. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are
allowed! You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're
both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this
is the only place around where we can see the
game."

After securing a promise that the dog will
behave, and warning him that he and the dog will
be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender
relents and allows them to stay in the bar and
watch the game. The big game begins with the
Steelers receiving the kickoff. They march down
field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field
goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins
walking up and down the bar giving high-fives
to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is
the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the
dog do if they score a touchdown?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only
had him for three years."

Q;What's the difference between light and hard? A;You can go to sleep with a light on.

A lenght of rope slides into a bar, coils up onto a stool, asks the barkeep for a beer.
Barkeep looks at then hank of rope, snarls "We don't serve your kind here!"
Rope slides down the stool, out the door.... revenge (and a beer) in mind. In the alley, razor in hand, rope slices, scrapes, curls and frazzles himself into a dandelionesque ball of fluff.... and back through the bar door, floats up on to the stool and lisps.... I'd like a beer please....
Bar tender growls "Ain't you that dam rope I just threw out of here!!!!
Rope (timidly) "No, I'm A frayed Knot"

A duck walks into a bar...

He jumps up onto the barstool and when the bartender comes over, the duck asks "Can I have some grapes?" "Sorry, but we don't have any grapes" says the barkeep. So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back, jumps onto the barstool and asks "Can I have some grapes?" The barkeep says "Sorry, but I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes. We got whiskey, beer and wine but no grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck shows up again and hops onto the barstool. The bartender, weary of this duck by now, says "What'll it be?" And the duck says "Can I have some grapes?"

With this the bartender explodes in frustration. "LOOK, I TOLD YOU ALREADY THAT WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES! IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME BUGGING ME FOR YOUR STOOPID GRAPES, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THIS BAR!" So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck shows up again and hops up onto the stool. "So what'll it be?" says the angry-looking bartender.

"Got any nails?"

"NAILS? What does this look like, a hardware store?! OF COURSE I don't have any nails!"

"Good. Can I have some grapes?"

You have to have some jokes with the cops in them

1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

[ QUOTE ]
PhotonWrangler said:
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under
his arm. The dog is wearing a Pittsburg Steelers
jersey and helmet. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are
allowed! You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're
both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this
is the only place around where we can see the
game."

After securing a promise that the dog will
behave, and warning him that he and the dog will
be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender
relents and allows them to stay in the bar and
watch the game. The big game begins with the
Browns receiving the kickoff. They march down
field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field
goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins
walking up and down the bar giving high-fives
to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is
the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the
dog do if they score a touchdown?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only
had him for three years."

[/ QUOTE ]

OK Photon...First it is spelled PITTSBURGH...second "Don't mess with the Steelers!" /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/poke2.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/nana.gif

Ha! I knew that would get a rise out of someone. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/yellowlaugh.gif

Onward...

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

A few years ago, NASA, in its ongoing effort to figure out the potential effects of collisions with birds on spacecraft and aircraft, developed a cannon-like machine
that, in a laboratory environment, fires dead chickens at airplane and space shuttle mockups. It seems that a British manufacturer of railroad locomotives was concerned about what would happen if one of its latest high-speed trains collided with a flying bird. So the company ordered a duplicate of the NASA chicken cannon.

The first chicken that the Brits fired at the windshield of the locomotive smashed through the windshield, blew straight through the head of the dummy sitting on the operator's seat, continued through the headrest behind it, and imbedded itself in the steel bulkhead behind the seat! The engineers, needless to say, were dumbfounded and didn't understand what had gone wrong. So they sent NASA an e-mail, describing the problem in detail and asking, "what on earth did we do wrong?"

NASA wrote back and simply said "defrost the chicken first."

What do you call a man who gets three erections a day?

A tri-hard.