My brothers a poker addict...

For a while now, my brother has been spending less time studying (hes in college) and more time visiting an illegal poker room somewhere out there in hicksville, NY. (I know exactly where it is) Hes been borrowing money from my sister (owes her more than 200) and actually borrows from me, a 13 year old, and actually owes me 150$ I mean, wtf, why borrow from a kid? I know Im his brother, but to take all my money... I was about to save up for something too. And just today he took my week's lunch money (over 10$) for train money back to college since hes so broke. My parents know hes doing something with poker, they just dont know how serious his situation is. Hes going in and out of debt daily, depending on how "good" hes doing. What am I supposed to do? I dont feel like telling my parents, because I am sure it would cause a familial catastrophe. I ask him why he plays so much, he says he needs the money for college. I ask him, why the hell try to pay for college if your not gonna even do well there? You got a 2.1 last year, almost got kicked out, and your still playing at least 3 times a week. Can someone tell me what I should do? Turn him in to my parents? questionable. My sister says its pointless to tell our parents about him. Its just gonna get worse. I agree. So what to do? watch my brother go deeper and deeper in debt? And watch my parents get more stressed about him?

Mags,

Your sister is wrong, tell your parents. Tell them to not tell him how they found out, or tell them where he plays and let your dad go there, but TELL them.

This college poker thing is way out of hand, not just your brother, but everyone.

Poker is an addiction, gambling is an addiction, and you can't imagine how bad it can get if you don't stop it now. Getting your parents involved and hoping that they can help is the only way YOU have of accomplishing anything, even if it doesn't seem like a good option, it is your ONLY option.

Bill

Do not let him borrow anymore money, for anything. He needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. If he gets bailed out everytime he messes up then he will not learn anything.

And yes tell your parents. Wash your hands of it and let him sleep in the bed he is making without involving you or your sister.

He is addicted... You and your parents (if they are paying for any of his schooling/living expenses) must stop giving him money. It is probably time for him to be on his own and out of college.

Perhaps, after a couple of years of working, he will recognize the benefit of further education--or not.

If not stopped, he will attempt to pull everyone around him down and into debt. In his condition, he probably does not care.

If he threatens you--a restraining order may be called for (and you must enforce it through your behavior--if you don't, the cops can't enforce it).

Perhaps one of the cops on CPF can tell you if it is worth while to call in a tip (from a pay phone) about the poker house.

-Bill

Mags, since you are so young, calling Child Protective Services (or whatever it is called in your neck of the woods) may be of assistance for you too. They usually take threats to a minor very seriously. -BB

Yeah, I have to agree with the others, even though the idea of ratting him out goes against my grain. But he is out of control. He obviously isn't good enough to win consistently, and he is dragging his family down with him. He is not taking his studies seriously, probably because he is devoting too much time to poker. I think you'd be doing him a favor to have your parents make him face reality.

I'm really to hear this, Mags. I hope you find a good solution to your problem, I really do.

If it was me, I'd tell my parents *and* seek professional help for my brother. Your brother may not like this now, but hopefully he'll see the light in the future and thank you.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Mags, I'm sorry that you are learning this at the age of 13, but your brother has got a big, sinister problem.
Do not let him have anymore money.
He may be on the brink of going feral based on what you posted.
I wish I was there to straighten him out.
Yes, tell your parents and don't think you are too young and helpless to.
They used to think flashoholism was bad, looks like your brother found something that actually is in fact bad.

I've had several people with similar behavior in my family, including my immediate family, so I'm somewhat familiar with the problem.

First of all, any type of self-destructive behavoir requires an enabler. In the case of morbidly obese people, the enabler is those who continue to bring them food once they can no longer physically get it or prepare it themselves. In the case of your brother, you and your sister are the enablers because you continue to "loan" him money despite being aware that he is using it to finance his addiction. I put loan in parentheses because I'm quite sure when your brother borrows the money he has absolutely no intention or ability to pay it back, even if he has in the past.

Second, this has gone past the point of being a hobby or even a relatively healthy obsession. As you have observed, it has become an addiction. However, unlike a substance addiction where there is a chemical dependency it should be possible for your brother to conquer this with help from the right people. You and your sister are probably too close to the problem to be able to help him here, but by shutting down the supply of easy money he might be forced to limit his poker just by virtue of the fact that funds will be harder to obtain. By limiting it and concentrating on other things instead he will hopefully gradually conquer it.

Third, I fully understand your dilemma about telling your parents but I'm sure they're already aware that something is wrong with your brother. While it's normal for grades to drop a bit while you're getting used to college work any long-term drops are indicative of a problem. I'm not sure of the results you would get telling your parents anyway. Many parents will be in denial when they are told that their child has a problem, whether the problem is gambling, drug addiction, depression, whatever. If your parents are like this, then they're going to need some sort of preparation before breaking the bad news to them. If you can't bring yourself to tell them, at least hint that maybe they should be giving him less money. Say he's blowing it on CDs, DVDs, clothes, or other consumer junk rather than gambling. This won't be considered as disgraceful and at least you will slow down the money train a bit.

Fourth, I also think your parents should try a carrot/stick approach here. His gambling is a problem not only because it is costly but also because it is affecting his grades. You are right-there is little point going to college if you're not going to do your best. I remember quitting my work study job precisely because it was affecting my grades, for example. When you're in college you should devote 100% of your energy to your studies. That means no gambling, no dating, no going out with friends, etc. while school is in session. Save the recreation for breaks and summers. Anyway, your parents should lay down the law and threaten to put him out on his own unless he takes school seriously. They should also assure him that if he does well in school, they will fully support him not only until he graduates, but afterwards until he is ready to be on his own. This might wake him up given that it's virtually impossible for a single person to support themselves in NYC, especially one without a college degree. I have a degree from an Ivy league college, yet at 42 I'm still living with my parents for various reasons (I do contribute in kind with a lot of chores and home improvement projects). I can't imagine someone with only a high school diploma being able to make it. It's far easier for a person to go out on their own when they're ready to. Most of the people who were forced to at early ages are still living like crap when they're 50. He might well imagine himself homeless or worse and straighten out.

Fifth, you didn't mention whether or not your brother has a car. Easy transportation to/from gambling dens makes conquering the problem harder. Therefore, if your parents are paying for a car for your brother try to get them to stop. You don't need a car in NYC anyway. If he has to spend hours on public transportation getting to/from any places he might go to play poker that might slow him down a bit. Sure, these places are everywhere, but I think you get the idea. The harder you make it for him to continue his habit the easier it will be for him to end it.

If your brother has any close friends you might try to get them to help your brother. He would probably take advice from someone outside the family more seriously than he would from you or your sister.

If it won't cause any more family friction, you might want to let your sister read this thread. I saw lots of good advice here. Be aware that unless something changes the problem will likely get worse and worse.

Best of luck with this. Family problems are always the hardest kind to deal with.

I have no advice, but wish to express my regret that you are having to go through this.

Don't let it poison your relationship with him. He may or may not ever pay you back, but don't let that get between you. He's got a problem, and when he gets over it he's still your brother. Money can always be replaced.

Take care,

Daniel

Mags, this problem is by far too serious for a thirteen year old to handle. You have to ask for advice. I'd say tell your parents about the problem.

From what I know about addictions, simply cutting of his money won't help too much. It sounds like he really is addicted, which means he might not be able to think about the whole case seriously. In this case, he'll need help from a professional. I don't know about your brothers college, but the colleges in germany have councelors for addicted people.

Chrisse

Thanks guys for the advice and words of comfort. I told my dad, and he said he already suspected my brother had borrowed my money. He recently went to Atlantic city, some big gambling city or something, and lost over 1000.... he said he doesnt want to play anymore, which is a lie, and I guess thats why he got the dealer job at "Fish Street" which is what the place is called... is tipping off the police really worth it? If my brother is found there, would he get arrested? He says that even if the police come, the place will be reset and back to normal in a day or so...

Hope things work out for your brother and you. Sounds like a very serious problem.

If your brother is dealing at an underground card club, he most likely will be arrested and possibly prosecuted. Dealers have been routinely arrested in previous raids on card clubs in the NYC area. Players are usually detained briefly, checked for outstanding warrants, and released (though their money is often confiscated).

Here's a link about a raid in Manhattan. There have been similar raids in Brooklyn, and other areas around NYC and in NJ.

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/313815p-268468c.html

Cops seized about $100,000, along with a small amount of marijuana, and arrested 39 dealers, runners and managers. The clubs were owned by many of the same people, police said.

The suspects were charged with promoting gambling and possession of gambling devices, misdemeanors punishable by up to a year in jail.

Click to expand...

Mags, now this is advice coming from a fellow 13 year old. Walk to a payphone fairly far from your house, call the police and tip them off. preferably do this while your brother is known not to be there.

I might not know much, but i have tipped off police to illegal goings-on before and this approach works best.

but whatever you do, DONT TELL THEM WHO YOU ARE!!!!!

--neg

The police most likely already know about the club. Also, if they don't know about the club, calling them up won't get them to rush down there right that second. Timing your call so that your brother won't be there is unlikley to work, as they'll probably do some "research" before kicking the door in, so it might be days before an actual raid.