Something isn't right. No need to lap anything. I never did. You should clean the mating surfaces with isopropyl alcohol and a lint free microfiber cloth. Anything other than the microfiber will leave lint that will seriously impede heat transfer.
Once you use the wax pad, you can never get it removed completely because it sinks into the pores of the metal, which it should, but I've never had any trouble anyway. I use Artic Silver. After cleaning the surfaces, you put one small piece in the middle, the size of a BB. Set the heatsink on squarely, rotate a bit to squish the Artic Silver, clamp it, and hope it never moves again. It's very easy to get the heatsink mounted cockeyed so it doesn't sit flat. It's also easy to use too much of the heatsink grease.
The Zalman 6500b Cu/Al is selling for $30 at directron. It fits my Intel and Asus mobos easily. The Zalmans come in all copper and also in aluminum with a small amount of copper. I recommend you don't buy the all copper. I believe they are just for show. Not only do they cost more, but they are much heavier and greatly exceed the Intel weight specification. They don't cool much better than the Cu/Al version. The 6500b comes with a 92mm fan and bracket and manual speed controller. Because I'm a quiet freak, I don't use this fan. Instead I duct the rear mounted case fan so it blows on the heatsink.
You definitely need a case fan. The fan on the CPU heatsink only moves the heat from the heatsink to the air inside the computer. You need to also remove the hot air from the computer case. The noise, and the airflow, of any fan is proportional to speed. You can slow up a fan by reducing the voltage. There are several devices you can buy to slow them up. Zalman supplies one along with a 92mm fan when you buy the 6500b CPU cooler.
Another trick for slowing up fans is to run them on 7 volts. Just connect the 12v lead to a 12 volt pin from the power supply. Connect the "ground" lead to a 5 volt pin from the power supply. Presto, 7 volts. Most fans will start reliably at 7 volts.
You can also buy quiet fans. The bigger the fan, the slower and quieter it will be when moving a given amount of air. I never use the popular 8 cm fans. As I'm a quiet freak, I don't even use the 9.2cm fans. As I mentioned earlier, I have just one 12 cm fan, and that one turns slowly.
I don't mean to brag (hee hee), but just to give you an idea of what's possible, at idle my Northwood 2.6c runs at 90F (32C) and my only fan is turning at 300 RPM.
The heat thrown off by the CPU varies greatly with usage. Have you checked your CPU usage with Task Manager? When you are sitting there reading posts, it should be running a few percent max.
Ideally the fan should be temperature controlled. My fan is plugged into the mobo and is controlled by the BIOS. When my CPU gets busy and throws off more heat, the BIOS senses that and increases the fan speed. When that happens I can actually hear the fan if the room is very quiet.
For me, the only good computer cases are those that take 12cm fans. I currently use the aluminum Antec SuperLanBoy. It's small and light and flimsy. If you want a case you can sit on, you don't want this one.
I used to use big heavy expensive aluminum cases made by AMS that had 12cm fan openings punched out by coolcases.com. I decided these were too big and heavy. I now have two sitting side by side in the bedroom and use them for a night stand