TechnoBill
Newly Enlightened
Shocking Suspicion of Human Organs Smuggling Uncovered by TBN Reporter!
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: I'm Flack Blitzkrieg, here in the TBN Contrived Catastrophe Room where new immaterial innuendo, shocking photographs and misleading diagrams are arriving ALL THE TIME!
At the top of the hour we will present a TBN EXCLUSIVE you can not afford to miss!
One of our crack reporters, a member of the only cable news network where reporters' pay is based upon the ratings generated by their stories, has uncovered shocking evidence that Solarforce L2r flashlights are being used to transport HUMAN ORGANS on the black market! We go now to field reporter Darla Disingenuous LIVE in a NorthWest Ohio suburb. Darla, what can you tell us?
DARLA DISINGENUOUS: Well Flack, I must warn our viewers that following report contains graphic and disturbing details of potential human mutilation and the illicit transport of grisly, icky, body parts as part of a suspected, by our producer, worldwide black market operation dealing with HUMAN EYE BALLS!
The following photograph, and I must again remind viewers these images are profoundly disturbing, is from an amateur flashlight hobbyist who, in the course of research for his so called "Driving Impression" of the Solarforce L2r, discovered that the bodies of these flashlights are precisely the correct size for smuggling the Lens, Ciliary Musculature, and Iris of a HUMAN EYE BALL, or 1.5 volt AA batteries. This unemployed loner, who alleges to be a Network Engineer, made the startling discovery that the bodies of these flashlights are actually HOLLOW, but failed to make the connection that these "seemingly innocent" HOLLOW flashlight bodies could conceal a far more malevolent use.
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: That raises some profoundly disturbing implications Darla. Can you tell us anything else about this emerging crisis threatening our Nation, and indeed the entire world?
DARLA DISINGENUOUS: Yes I can Flack. We have consulted with our TBN Medical Expert Dr. Spamsay Jupiter who explains, I must warn this gets very technical, that in a situation such as that pictured above, if a black market operative were to break into the person's house without their hearing, get them to walk out into a large room while continuing to peer down the barrel of the flashlight, the black market operative could whack the unsuspecting victim in the face with a shovel. My professional decorum prohibits me from explaining the results this would have, but video footage of same can be found on our website. Just look for the link titled "Oh Dude, this is SO GROSS! You gotta check this out man!"
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: Darla, is it true that the inside of the HUMAN EYE BALL is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without the peanut butter, that an inattentive person dropped into a wood chipper?
DARLA DISINGENUOUS: Oh no Flack, it's only like that after the black market operative has carefully removed the critical Lens, Ciliary Musculature, and Iris. Dr. Spamsay Jupiter has graciously provided us with the diagram below that shows, contrary to popular belief, that the HUMAN EYE BALL consists of "a whole bunch of little things that do complicated stuff."
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: Fascinating, but compellingly horrible stuff there Darla. Here in the TBN Contrived Catastrophe Room we will continue repeating this vapid and wildly speculative contrivance every thirty seconds, as well as on through this evening, Thursday, and Friday. At 17:00 Eastern Daylight Time, 16:30 in Newfoundland, on Friday October 23 Darla will be presenting a Prime Time Special: The Solarforce L2r & L2i: Affordable LED Flashlight or Tool of Unimaginable Horror?
Coming up next at 6:00 p.m., more of ME!
The Catastrophe Room starts right now.
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: I'm Flack Blitzkrieg, here in the TBN Contrived Catastrophe Room where new immaterial innuendo, shocking photographs and misleading diagrams are arriving ALL THE TIME!
At the top of the hour we will present a TBN EXCLUSIVE you can not afford to miss!
One of our crack reporters, a member of the only cable news network where reporters' pay is based upon the ratings generated by their stories, has uncovered shocking evidence that Solarforce L2r flashlights are being used to transport HUMAN ORGANS on the black market! We go now to field reporter Darla Disingenuous LIVE in a NorthWest Ohio suburb. Darla, what can you tell us?
DARLA DISINGENUOUS: Well Flack, I must warn our viewers that following report contains graphic and disturbing details of potential human mutilation and the illicit transport of grisly, icky, body parts as part of a suspected, by our producer, worldwide black market operation dealing with HUMAN EYE BALLS!
The following photograph, and I must again remind viewers these images are profoundly disturbing, is from an amateur flashlight hobbyist who, in the course of research for his so called "Driving Impression" of the Solarforce L2r, discovered that the bodies of these flashlights are precisely the correct size for smuggling the Lens, Ciliary Musculature, and Iris of a HUMAN EYE BALL, or 1.5 volt AA batteries. This unemployed loner, who alleges to be a Network Engineer, made the startling discovery that the bodies of these flashlights are actually HOLLOW, but failed to make the connection that these "seemingly innocent" HOLLOW flashlight bodies could conceal a far more malevolent use.
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: That raises some profoundly disturbing implications Darla. Can you tell us anything else about this emerging crisis threatening our Nation, and indeed the entire world?
DARLA DISINGENUOUS: Yes I can Flack. We have consulted with our TBN Medical Expert Dr. Spamsay Jupiter who explains, I must warn this gets very technical, that in a situation such as that pictured above, if a black market operative were to break into the person's house without their hearing, get them to walk out into a large room while continuing to peer down the barrel of the flashlight, the black market operative could whack the unsuspecting victim in the face with a shovel. My professional decorum prohibits me from explaining the results this would have, but video footage of same can be found on our website. Just look for the link titled "Oh Dude, this is SO GROSS! You gotta check this out man!"
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: Darla, is it true that the inside of the HUMAN EYE BALL is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, without the peanut butter, that an inattentive person dropped into a wood chipper?
DARLA DISINGENUOUS: Oh no Flack, it's only like that after the black market operative has carefully removed the critical Lens, Ciliary Musculature, and Iris. Dr. Spamsay Jupiter has graciously provided us with the diagram below that shows, contrary to popular belief, that the HUMAN EYE BALL consists of "a whole bunch of little things that do complicated stuff."
FLACK BLITZKRIEG: Fascinating, but compellingly horrible stuff there Darla. Here in the TBN Contrived Catastrophe Room we will continue repeating this vapid and wildly speculative contrivance every thirty seconds, as well as on through this evening, Thursday, and Friday. At 17:00 Eastern Daylight Time, 16:30 in Newfoundland, on Friday October 23 Darla will be presenting a Prime Time Special: The Solarforce L2r & L2i: Affordable LED Flashlight or Tool of Unimaginable Horror?
Coming up next at 6:00 p.m., more of ME!
The Catastrophe Room starts right now.
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