glockboy
Flashlight Enthusiast
Congratulations!
end of freedom. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon23.gif
end of freedom. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon23.gif
Getting Married: Any advice?
- Thread starter Catman10
- Start date
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prescottrecorder
Newly Enlightened
I've attended and performed for many weddings and the happiest couples seemed to me to be those who didn't get too caught up in the wedding industry hype and kept things relatively simple and affordable. Of course, what's affordable depends on your financial circumstances. When I got married, we could afford $400 for the ceremony, dresses, rings, reception, pictures, music, and honeymoon. But all our friends and family pitched in and witnessed our committment and it was a happy day and got the job done.
As far as the marriage goes, I've found that over the 36 years we've been married that it's not as simple as finding the right person to marry and then being happy ever after. There are lots of highs and lows and you have to be willing to hang in there through the stressful times. My wife and I have changed through the years and so has the way we relate to each other. It's like I've had four or five marriages. But as you accumulate trust and committment, it gets so darned easy. Of course it doesn't hurt that things are easier financially, and the kid is on his own. You don't have to be perfect to sustain a happy marriage or raise kids, just try to think of your spouse as a part of you and don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Of course, having just wallowed in my marital longevity, I coudn't tell you if things worked out because of blind luck and my wife's fortitude, or that I really figured things out. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif
Congratulations and remember: studies show that men who marry live longer /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
As far as the marriage goes, I've found that over the 36 years we've been married that it's not as simple as finding the right person to marry and then being happy ever after. There are lots of highs and lows and you have to be willing to hang in there through the stressful times. My wife and I have changed through the years and so has the way we relate to each other. It's like I've had four or five marriages. But as you accumulate trust and committment, it gets so darned easy. Of course it doesn't hurt that things are easier financially, and the kid is on his own. You don't have to be perfect to sustain a happy marriage or raise kids, just try to think of your spouse as a part of you and don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Of course, having just wallowed in my marital longevity, I coudn't tell you if things worked out because of blind luck and my wife's fortitude, or that I really figured things out. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif
Congratulations and remember: studies show that men who marry live longer /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Zackerty
Enlightened
Does that mean they suffer longer, too?
greenlight
Flashlight Enthusiast
[ QUOTE ]
Flying Turtle said:
Choose your battles wisely, then surrender.
[/ QUOTE ]
I thought he wrote 'choose your batteries wisely'. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Flying Turtle said:
Choose your battles wisely, then surrender.
[/ QUOTE ]
I thought he wrote 'choose your batteries wisely'. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
Prepare to have ALL aspect of your life change(of course inclule your "bed time") and even more when you have children.
Second, both you and your wife guard the financial statement healty. That reduce plenty of the worry.
Trust me its worth the experience.
Second, both you and your wife guard the financial statement healty. That reduce plenty of the worry.
Trust me its worth the experience.
Unicorn
Flashlight Enthusiast
Please, don't ever take her for granted.
Keep showing her that she means a lot to you.
Give her the compliments that she deserves.
Always have real communication. Not just you talking at her, or letting her talk and you not really listening.
You need to consider each others feelings at all times.
Learn to share your feelings and emotions in positive ways. Not just being angry, but everything. It's better to express some dissapointment or even anger in a healthy way when it's small and easy to deal with than to let it fester and build up until an explosion happens.
If you need to take some time to calm down, or figure out what it is you want to say, then do so, but be sure to come back and deal with that issue.
Think before you speak. Don't lash our or be a smart *** when you talk. A lot of people will get turned off as soon as that happens, even if you actually have some good points.
Having a happy marriage isn't all storybook romance. Actually romance is very important. But what I mean is that it's not just "happily ever after." You both need to work at it. The rewards are more than worth it though.
To counter Minjin, I think that some of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high is that people get married too soon, for the wrong reasons, and for many are just too lazy and self centered to actually put forth the effort needed. That's about how we are about everything though. We want convenient, fast, and easy. Well guess what, just like real life, it's not like that.
I'll probably have more later on when I'm more awake and have some time to think.
Keep showing her that she means a lot to you.
Give her the compliments that she deserves.
Always have real communication. Not just you talking at her, or letting her talk and you not really listening.
You need to consider each others feelings at all times.
Learn to share your feelings and emotions in positive ways. Not just being angry, but everything. It's better to express some dissapointment or even anger in a healthy way when it's small and easy to deal with than to let it fester and build up until an explosion happens.
If you need to take some time to calm down, or figure out what it is you want to say, then do so, but be sure to come back and deal with that issue.
Think before you speak. Don't lash our or be a smart *** when you talk. A lot of people will get turned off as soon as that happens, even if you actually have some good points.
Having a happy marriage isn't all storybook romance. Actually romance is very important. But what I mean is that it's not just "happily ever after." You both need to work at it. The rewards are more than worth it though.
To counter Minjin, I think that some of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high is that people get married too soon, for the wrong reasons, and for many are just too lazy and self centered to actually put forth the effort needed. That's about how we are about everything though. We want convenient, fast, and easy. Well guess what, just like real life, it's not like that.
I'll probably have more later on when I'm more awake and have some time to think.
Short Circuit
Newly Enlightened
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2001
- Messages
- 75
I have been married for more than 25 years now, and I think one of the most importent things is keeping the romance alive, to this day I still take my wife out on dates at least 2-3 times a month.
flashlight_widow
Enlightened
I wanted to add one last piece of advice - don't be discouraged by all the negative comments people will offer. Unfortunately, there are plenty of unhappy people out there who feel obligated to interject their little slice of negativity. Don't let their misery rain on your happiness.
When we were engaged, several times coworkers would say things like "Marriage is a mistake," "You know there's a 50% divorce rate." "Ah the old ball and chain." "Enjoy your fun now because it all ends once you're married." "Misery loves company." On and on. After I got over how rude and inappropriate those comments were, I found myself feeling really sorry for those folks, because I realized they were just very unhappy in their own situations. Many times, because of their own shortcomings.
When you hear those comments - and you will hear plenty (you've already heard a few in this thread, sadly) - consider the source. Think about what type of person it takes to say something so negative when another person announces a happy life event. Think about what misery that person must be feeling in order to not even be able to squeeze out something as simple as "Congratulations." You will find that most of the people who make those type of comments are very bitter people and are either divorced, stuck in an unhappy marriage, or are unhappy with their life for some other reason.
My point is to not let that stuff bring you down. I think you have heard plenty of great advice from happily married folks on this board. I wish you both the best of luck!
When we were engaged, several times coworkers would say things like "Marriage is a mistake," "You know there's a 50% divorce rate." "Ah the old ball and chain." "Enjoy your fun now because it all ends once you're married." "Misery loves company." On and on. After I got over how rude and inappropriate those comments were, I found myself feeling really sorry for those folks, because I realized they were just very unhappy in their own situations. Many times, because of their own shortcomings.
When you hear those comments - and you will hear plenty (you've already heard a few in this thread, sadly) - consider the source. Think about what type of person it takes to say something so negative when another person announces a happy life event. Think about what misery that person must be feeling in order to not even be able to squeeze out something as simple as "Congratulations." You will find that most of the people who make those type of comments are very bitter people and are either divorced, stuck in an unhappy marriage, or are unhappy with their life for some other reason.
My point is to not let that stuff bring you down. I think you have heard plenty of great advice from happily married folks on this board. I wish you both the best of luck!
capnal
Enlightened
Catman,
Here is my 2 cents worth of advice.
(First, let me state that I don't know how old you are or whether or not this is your first marriage.)
So, this is my advice. When you are exchanging vows and you your are asked to repeat the words "and foresaking all others", remember those the most.
What I mean is, after you are married and after everyone is finished doting on you and congradulating you, and when real life sets in, remember those words. Don't compare your marriage to any of your friends or your parents or anyone else. Don't compare the things that your wife does to any other wives that you may know (such as your friend's wives). Foresake them all. Just concentrate on you and your wife and the relationship that you have built together. Don't feel like you have to compare yourself to anyone else. Don't feel like you have to be on a schedule to (pick one): reach a certain career point, buy a house, have a child, etc.
If you look around and see someone else living their life different from you, so be it. But don't compare theirs to yours. And, whatever you do, don't ever bring it up as a point to your wife. "Well, the next door neighbors already have a new pool, where is ours?" Things like that will only cause resentment, frustration, confustion, and doubt. None of those things are healthy for a marriage. What you do from now on out is your own, and you should not try to model your marriage around anyone else.
Oh, also, on a side note, try to keep the flashlight buying to a minimum. She will thank you for it. Besides, just think of all the fun stuff you will need, like curtains, and new sheets and bed pillows, glasses and silverware, dishes, cookware, and stuff like that. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon23.gif
Here is my 2 cents worth of advice.
(First, let me state that I don't know how old you are or whether or not this is your first marriage.)
So, this is my advice. When you are exchanging vows and you your are asked to repeat the words "and foresaking all others", remember those the most.
What I mean is, after you are married and after everyone is finished doting on you and congradulating you, and when real life sets in, remember those words. Don't compare your marriage to any of your friends or your parents or anyone else. Don't compare the things that your wife does to any other wives that you may know (such as your friend's wives). Foresake them all. Just concentrate on you and your wife and the relationship that you have built together. Don't feel like you have to compare yourself to anyone else. Don't feel like you have to be on a schedule to (pick one): reach a certain career point, buy a house, have a child, etc.
If you look around and see someone else living their life different from you, so be it. But don't compare theirs to yours. And, whatever you do, don't ever bring it up as a point to your wife. "Well, the next door neighbors already have a new pool, where is ours?" Things like that will only cause resentment, frustration, confustion, and doubt. None of those things are healthy for a marriage. What you do from now on out is your own, and you should not try to model your marriage around anyone else.
Oh, also, on a side note, try to keep the flashlight buying to a minimum. She will thank you for it. Besides, just think of all the fun stuff you will need, like curtains, and new sheets and bed pillows, glasses and silverware, dishes, cookware, and stuff like that. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon23.gif
Minjin
Flashlight Enthusiast
[ QUOTE ]
flashlight_widow said:
I wanted to add one last piece of advice - don't be discouraged by all the negative comments people will offer. Unfortunately, there are plenty of unhappy people out there who feel obligated to interject their little slice of negativity. Don't let their misery rain on your happiness.
When we were engaged, several times coworkers would say things like "Marriage is a mistake," "You know there's a 50% divorce rate." "Ah the old ball and chain." "Enjoy your fun now because it all ends once you're married." "Misery loves company." On and on. After I got over how rude and inappropriate those comments were, I found myself feeling really sorry for those folks, because I realized they were just very unhappy in their own situations. Many times, because of their own shortcomings.
When you hear those comments - and you will hear plenty (you've already heard a few in this thread, sadly) - consider the source. Think about what type of person it takes to say something so negative when another person announces a happy life event. Think about what misery that person must be feeling in order to not even be able to squeeze out something as simple as "Congratulations." You will find that most of the people who make those type of comments are very bitter people and are either divorced, stuck in an unhappy marriage, or are unhappy with their life for some other reason.
My point is to not let that stuff bring you down. I think you have heard plenty of great advice from happily married folks on this board. I wish you both the best of luck!
[/ QUOTE ]
He asked for advice, not congratulations. But thanks for the open condescension. How about attacking the 'advice' or comments rather than sending patronizing insults and inuendo towards the people who must be 'miserable' simply because they don't agree with you. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif
Mark
flashlight_widow said:
I wanted to add one last piece of advice - don't be discouraged by all the negative comments people will offer. Unfortunately, there are plenty of unhappy people out there who feel obligated to interject their little slice of negativity. Don't let their misery rain on your happiness.
When we were engaged, several times coworkers would say things like "Marriage is a mistake," "You know there's a 50% divorce rate." "Ah the old ball and chain." "Enjoy your fun now because it all ends once you're married." "Misery loves company." On and on. After I got over how rude and inappropriate those comments were, I found myself feeling really sorry for those folks, because I realized they were just very unhappy in their own situations. Many times, because of their own shortcomings.
When you hear those comments - and you will hear plenty (you've already heard a few in this thread, sadly) - consider the source. Think about what type of person it takes to say something so negative when another person announces a happy life event. Think about what misery that person must be feeling in order to not even be able to squeeze out something as simple as "Congratulations." You will find that most of the people who make those type of comments are very bitter people and are either divorced, stuck in an unhappy marriage, or are unhappy with their life for some other reason.
My point is to not let that stuff bring you down. I think you have heard plenty of great advice from happily married folks on this board. I wish you both the best of luck!
[/ QUOTE ]
He asked for advice, not congratulations. But thanks for the open condescension. How about attacking the 'advice' or comments rather than sending patronizing insults and inuendo towards the people who must be 'miserable' simply because they don't agree with you. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif
Mark
flashlight_widow
Enlightened
I never said anyone was miserable because they didn't agree with me. I am sorry if you felt like my post was somehow a personal attack on you. I simply advised the original poster to be aware of people who will give so-called "advice" like "marriage sucks" and "marriage is a losing bet" "you lose all your freedoms" and the like, when clearly such "advice" is really just a steamvent for that individual's personal issues regarding marriage. Are statements like that genuinely helpful to someone who is already engaged and asking for advice? I don't really understand how they could be. It always seemed to me that those type of comments were more a reflection of the person they were coming from.
I'm sorry you don't have a better view of marriage, for whatever reason. I am one of those "happy" people that you seem to believe only touts marriage because "misery loves company." I recall having to deal with negative attitudes and rude comments when I was engaged as well, and I think being aware that those comments *will* come from some people - and understanding the reasons *why* they may come - is helpful.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled broadcast. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
I'm sorry you don't have a better view of marriage, for whatever reason. I am one of those "happy" people that you seem to believe only touts marriage because "misery loves company." I recall having to deal with negative attitudes and rude comments when I was engaged as well, and I think being aware that those comments *will* come from some people - and understanding the reasons *why* they may come - is helpful.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled broadcast. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
javafool
Enlightened
I would say to just treat each other with honesty and respect. If you both sincerely want to give more than you get you will both recieve in turn much more than either of you is giving.
Remember that each fight will get easier and hurt a little less. I didn't get it right the first time but I wouldn't trade the last 20 years with my wife for anything in this world. I wish you the best and hope your happiness grows into the caring and sharing that my wife and I have.
Terry
Remember that each fight will get easier and hurt a little less. I didn't get it right the first time but I wouldn't trade the last 20 years with my wife for anything in this world. I wish you the best and hope your happiness grows into the caring and sharing that my wife and I have.
Terry
Topper
Flashaholic*
I got married back in 1980 lots of ups and some downs still married so I got a track record so pay attention. Little things can goof you up.Little things to you might be BIG things to her. I turn off the TV when my wife walks in the room and starts to talk she always says "You don't need to turn it off I just need to tell you something real quick" an hour or so later you can turn it back on. Learn to fend for your self and teach your kids the same the best way to get a great home cooked meal is to cook alot then have your 14 yearold call the mom and gripe about your cooking. Oh wait I just planned your life for 14 or so years! If you need more help you can PM me. All jokes aside turning off the TV or radio or PC and giving complete attention to your wife is a good thing; do it right ("Hang on Baby let me shut this down so I can hear you better"). Oh never ever take advice from a guy that's been married 2-10 times so he thinks he is an expert.
Just my thoughts.
Topper /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
Just my thoughts.
Topper /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif
KC2IXE
Flashaholic*
Usually, when I'm told in person, I'll crack a joke, and then go on to the serious part.
Seriously, you'll have your ups and downs, but I can't picture my life any other way. Mary and I have been married for 16 years, BUT we started dating 25 years ago (yes, she was my childhood sweetheart - and can remember all those stupid things I did as a kid). I won't say every day is wonderful - some days are a bear - but not beacuse of Mary - she helps me get through the days when I'm the bug, and not the windshield, and I do the same for her
I will also tell you that things _WILL_ change when you get married, for the better IMHO. It'll change again if you have kids
I just thought of a metaphore - don't know if it's original, but....
You've probably built a fire once or twice in your life. Soon after you light the fire, you have this big blaze - lights of light, impressive - but not all that much HEAT - but you tend the fire until you get that nice bed of coals - not as flashy or impressive looking, but burns hotter and longer. Marrage is like that - that spark catches, and you get a flame - and you get married - the peak of the flames, but NOT of the FIRE - now tend that fire, and build that bed of coals - the one the outsiders can't see unless the LOOK - that's the one that's going to carry you through the years
Seriously, you'll have your ups and downs, but I can't picture my life any other way. Mary and I have been married for 16 years, BUT we started dating 25 years ago (yes, she was my childhood sweetheart - and can remember all those stupid things I did as a kid). I won't say every day is wonderful - some days are a bear - but not beacuse of Mary - she helps me get through the days when I'm the bug, and not the windshield, and I do the same for her
I will also tell you that things _WILL_ change when you get married, for the better IMHO. It'll change again if you have kids
I just thought of a metaphore - don't know if it's original, but....
You've probably built a fire once or twice in your life. Soon after you light the fire, you have this big blaze - lights of light, impressive - but not all that much HEAT - but you tend the fire until you get that nice bed of coals - not as flashy or impressive looking, but burns hotter and longer. Marrage is like that - that spark catches, and you get a flame - and you get married - the peak of the flames, but NOT of the FIRE - now tend that fire, and build that bed of coals - the one the outsiders can't see unless the LOOK - that's the one that's going to carry you through the years
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