Flirting...

eebowler

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Ok. I'll admit it, I am a novice. My experience in this world is very limited and the people I come across and their behaviours are also very limited. My life has been very sheltered and I need you guys and gals to help me understand something which a good friend fo mine does.

FLIRTING.
What is it exactly? What is the purpous of it or what do people intend to accomplish by doing it? Do you flirt, why, how? Is it considered as cheating? What are the limits of flirting?

Thank you everyone for any input you make...
 

DarkLight

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Flirting is to make playful romantic overtures.
the purpose of it can range from innocent teasing to outright sexual overtures.
I am married and flirt with my wife constantly, other females (friends) sometimes.
cheating is about your intentions....

You can flirt without it being a form of cheating if you DONT wish it to go further than flirting, if you WANT it to go further then flirting, its a form of cheating in my opinion.

The limits of flirting are only restrained by the two participants sense of taste and receptiveness TO the flirting..

in other words, one girl might slap you in the face for flirting in a certain way, while the next might invite you over for "a night of passion".....for the same flirt...

Make sense yet?
probably not...it may take a lifetime of careful study to understand the female species, then you may find you have them all wrong still!
 

Frangible

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Flirting is the creative misinterpretation of things in a playful/vaguely humorous manner. It increases the woman's comfort level and also lets her know you're interested in her "in that way". There are a lot of books on it, and you could probably get a decent baseline of knowledge about it from one if you so chose.
 

Topper

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I think if your married best to not go there. If not well then flirt all you want. Hey you might get lucky. yes I have flirted while married bad choice do better than I did
if I could back up in life I would not flirt some folks are way too open for it going past the line that puts a married guy in a bad spot.
Topper
 

DarkLight

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Hey if you cant stand a little flirting among friends, and I mean doing it in front of the wife not behind her back then you prob are a little too insecure...
Me and my friends tend to kiss and hug each others wives when meeting and leaving social gatherings...I guess it just is how comfortable you are with it...
It doesnt bother me......just social niceties... beats a wave in my book,
Life is too short not to hug your friends...
 

IsaacHayes

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Flirting with people you have no intentions of doing something with can be just having fun, like you were to give your guy friends "crap" for something just to do it. You don't do that to girls, you flirt with them instead.

Flirting is a more subtle way of letting someone know you like them rather than coming up to them and telling them, which can make them embarrised, or scared. You can get feedback by their reaction and then take it from there to approach or not and try to talk to them.

Also in a starting relation ship you must pay attention to flirts from the opposite sex as if you don't and missout, they can loose interest as they think you don't like them. You must pay attention when they want you to take it up a notch.

The thing for me that is the hardest, even more so than me flirting with girls, is picking up on them flirting with me. I'm really modest so I brush it off or don't even notice. I think no way that beautiful girl is smilling at me. Then later I find out after she has a boyfriend that she really liked me but didn't think I liked her!!!

I'm really modest so when I feel I might be being "too bold" or strong, really I'm no where even close to what normal people do when flirting. Best thing is not to think about thigns too much, the more you analyze things the more you're holding yourself back. "Just do it" as they say and don't worry about what the outcome might be. You'll hold yourself back if you're afraid you'r going to mess it up talking to them, but take it from me, if you don't talk to them, you won't ever get the chance to be with them.

Be bold, but don't be fake and cocky. Be happy, awake, energentic even if you don't feel it. This isn't being fake, it's just taking care of business. If you've worked retail and had to sell things and talk to people you develop this skill. Even though you may be shy, you stand up and start talking "hey how can I help you, sure ok, etc". Do the same thing when you're meeting people.

And don't ever dismiss what you think is a flirt. You'll look back later and realize that the girl was flirting with you a lot and you missed out!!

Oh yeah, don't become too good of friends. Remember to feel out stepping it up a notch. I've lost girls because I wasn't bold enough at the right time, and then they just thought of me as a good friend, and then didn't want to date me.

Ok hopefully you can learn from what I have learned. Now I just got to work on takign my own advice!!!
 

flashfan

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Flirting works both ways. Men flirt with women and vice versa. Personally, I would recommend refraining from flirting if married or in any kind of committed relationship--it could be misconstrued too easily.

On the other hand, I don't see anything wrong with platonic hugs and kisses between good friends/family, etc., which I do not consider to be a "playful romantic overture" (good definition of "flirting," by the way).

I think of flirting as a way to "test the waters" and see whether the other person is receptive to a relationship, be it short or long-term.

Just my penny opinion.
 

Unicorn

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Remember though that there is a fine line between flirting and hitting on someone. If it's pretty obvious, then it's more of hitting one the other person instead of flirting. That's one way it was explained to me once, and it made sense.

I'm having to learn how to do it to now. I'm starting my life over, and only ever flirted a little, mostly for fun and nothing serious at all. Just do it, and you're bound to get better at it. Even if you are actually hitting on someone a little. Just don't be obnoxious, and you should be fine. And you will get shot down. That is normal, it means you're trying.
 

Leeoniya

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i work retail in my day job to look normal, and give out business cards for the thing that really makes me money /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

i talk to a decent amount of girls and it's pretty obvious if they're flirting or not. and i'm not talking brick-in-the-face obvious, slut-like flirting. but usually if you make good jokes, even at yourself or your job. you can gauge the responsiveness pretty well. i have a gf, for 3 years now. she flirts with guys a bit differently...making sexual jokes and stuff...and it has gotten her into awkward situations before. like guys making moves on her when she didnt want it. my flirting is quite subtle. and you really have to know me to know the difference. i normally am not that outgoing of a person unless i HAVE to talk to someone...like it retail when someone comes up to the counter. then it's sort of like there's an excuse. (like to complain about your day job and how much it sucks)

it's nice to be in an environment when you dont need to do half the work to meet people. it just happens cause it's your job. and if i didnt have a gf, i would be much more comfortable breaking the ice that way rather than just coming up to somone out of the blue. i'm not the greatest looking guy ever. and i tend not to shave a lot. but the chicks that are worth talking to really dont care. it definitely is 75% personality.

i enjoy being sort of mysterious, but funny. i'm not at all a show off, and i'm quite modest...but i do sometimes sneak in questions to girls which would lead to the same questions in my direction and give me an excuse to say something interesting. like do you play any instrument (i play guitar and drums) or recreational activities (i snowboard, mountain bike, stunt kite fly, kyak...etc.)...good way to show off without sounding like it /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif.

i've never asked for a number. or been outright and asked a girl out after first talking to her or with a lame pickup line. but i can definitely tell when there's something there. and around where i live, it's pretty damn obvious cause 85% of girls are uptight and wont talk to anyone honestly but their girlfriends, but who wants to date that?

i dont understand why there are so many fake, uptight, spoiled, barbie doll, all-i-want-to-do-is-shop-and-spend-my-parent's-money girls around here. looking to move VERY soon.

Leon.
 

Leeoniya

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i'm not going to go into the speech about how many people in this town dont know what real work is....like the teenagers who work for the money which they use to buy drugs and party while their parents support them, buy them new Lexus SUVs, pay their gas, car insurance, food, housing, cell phones, and vacations. it's sad to see them introduced to real life at the age of 25 when they're fresh out of college with no experience, no idea if what they just spent 4 years learning is what they actually want to do, and no concept of the value of money.

lots of people i talk to around here say i'm jealous because i dont have that. but i'm not sure what they mean when i pay for everything i own, no one has leverage over me, and i can still afford to buy $150 flashlights /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif, $250 cameras, $150 kites, take my girlfriend out every other day, continuously build up my business, support about 10 hobbies, and travel like there's no tomorrow. so yeah, it's obviously jealousy. eh. too much ranting, but it had to be done. cheapest free therapy ever..lol.

Leon.
 

eebowler

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[ QUOTE ]
DarkLight said:
Flirting is to make playful romantic overtures.
the purpose of it can range from innocent teasing to outright sexual overtures.
I am married and flirt with my wife constantly, other females (friends) sometimes.
cheating is about your intentions....

You can flirt without it being a form of cheating if you DONT wish it to go further than flirting, if you WANT it to go further then flirting, its a form of cheating in my opinion .(lol darklight. This particular part is confusing because you can easily desire/lust a person (emotionally cheat) and behave that way (as in flirt) but, when offered sex or anything along those lines, stepping back wouldn't be that hard...)
The limits of flirting are only restrained by the two participants sense of taste and receptiveness TO the flirting..

in other words, one girl might slap you in the face for flirting in a certain way, while the next might invite you over for "a night of passion ".....(I thought that was the purpose of flirting) for the same flirt...

Make sense yet?
probably not...it may take a lifetime of careful study to understand the female species, then you may find you have them all wrong still!

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Frangible said:
Flirting is the creative misinterpretation of things in a playful/vaguely humorous manner. It increases the woman's comfort level and also lets her know you're interested in her "in that way ".(yeah! and when a woman flirts, it gives the same impression to a higher level) There are a lot of books on it, and you could probably get a decent baseline of knowledge about it from one if you so chose.


[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Tropper said:

I think if your married best to not go there. If not well then flirt all you want. >>>Hey you might get lucky<<< (Hmmmm.Statement implies that flirting serves a particular purpose) (Hmmmm.Statement implies that flirting serves a particular purpose . yes I have flirted while married bad choice do better than I did
if I could back up in life I would not flirt some folks are way too open for it going past the line that puts a married guy in a bad spot.

[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
Darklight said:
Hey if you cant stand a little flirting among friends, and I mean doing it in front of the wife not behind her back then you prob are a little too insecure...(Agreed! That is why I want/need to understand flirting in order to ingore it)
Me and my friends tend to kiss and hug each others wives when meeting and leaving social gatherings...I guess it just is how comfortable you are with it...I don't consider that flirting.
It doesnt bother me......just social niceties... beats a wave in my book,
Life is too short not to hug your friends...


[/ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]
flashfan said:
Flirting works both ways. Men flirt with women and vice versa. Personally, I would recommend refraining from flirting if married or in any kind of committed relationship--it could be misconstrued too easily. yeah, that is the whole problem. Interpretation of flirting. My intention is to have no problem with it provided the intenitons are clearly understood)

On the other hand, I don't see anything wrong with platonic hugs and kisses between good friends/family, etc., which I do not consider to be a "playful romantic overture" (good definition of "flirting," by the way). I agree with both of you here /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

I think of flirting as a way to "test the waters" and see whether the other person is receptive to a relationship, be it short or long-term. again, a direct connection of flirting to relationships/romance is made...

[/ QUOTE ]

22/3/05/11:30am I'll be back as soon as possible to respond to the rest of the comments. Thanks all for responding... Richard.
 

NewBie

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[ QUOTE ]
Leeoniya said:
i'm not going to go into the speech about how many people in this town dont know what real work is....like the teenagers who work for the money which they use to buy drugs and party while their parents support them, buy them new Lexus SUVs, pay their gas, car insurance, food, housing, cell phones, and vacations. it's sad to see them introduced to real life at the age of 25 when they're fresh out of college with no experience, no idea if what they just spent 4 years learning is what they actually want to do, and no concept of the value of money.

lots of people i talk to around here say i'm jealous because i dont have that. but i'm not sure what they mean when i pay for everything i own, no one has leverage over me, and i can still afford to buy $150 flashlights /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif, $250 cameras, $150 kites, take my girlfriend out every other day, continuously build up my business, support about 10 hobbies, and travel like there's no tomorrow. so yeah, it's obviously jealousy. eh. too much ranting, but it had to be done. cheapest free therapy ever..lol.

Leon.

[/ QUOTE ]

Leon,

I remember when I was a young Marine and I was selected to become a recruiter (gah, what a nightmare) and I recruited Glenview North and Glenview South (Northbrook and Glenview), back in 1994.

I remember young kids being spoiled absolutely rotten by their parents, which continued up through high school, when most in fact were given fancy new cars. In fact, when I parked, I drove around looking for the parking lot with the better cars, as I was told to park in the teacher's lot. Some monitor came up to me I needed to park in the teachers parking lot not the student's lot. He told me where it was, and it looked alot more rundown (cars) as compared to the student lot. And at that time, the teachers were paid amongst the highest in the state, with salaries in the 80k range, and those with Masters approaching 100k. Yet most couldn't afford to live in town.

Over time, I was shocked to find that most the students were basically raised on MTV, with the majority of both parents working until 7 or 8 at night, so they could be "rich". It made my hours run late into the night, because I often talked with parents, and I had to wait for them to get home.

Anyhow, as it turned out, most the folks I got to join from that area ended up having bachelors/masters degrees, since they did what their parents wanted most their life (in many cases, parents pulling their weight to get their kids jobs), and the kids found themselves highly unhappy with their jobs/life.

But it was a good experience, as due to all the educated folks I put in the Marines enlisted, I was selected to become a member of the Congressional Officer Commissioning Team, where I spent most my time selecting the highest quality folks to become Military Pilots, Lawyers, and such. It was a bit strange, as thousands were turned away, selecting the very best from places like Lake Forest College, Univerisity of Chicago, and Notre Dame.

Anyhow, to get back on your topic, the folks and families out your way seem to be some of the most unhappy folks I ever met in my entire life... and I even met folks in the first Gulf war that were happier, even though the were the "enemy"...

So yeah, I see your point.
 

Lurker

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Richard, it would help to know the context of the flirting that you are concerned about. If it is between two single, available people who are both receptive to it, it is totally ok. If it is something like another man flirting with your wife and you are not comfortable with it, then it is totally out of bounds in my opinion.

The context is everything. And that is because there is no such thing as totally innocent flirting. Even though those who do it will always think of it as innocent. "I didn't mean anything by it!" will always be the response if they are challenged about it. But in my opinion flirting is a way to test the waters to see if someone is receptive and then it just progresses from there, little by little, as far as it is allowed to go. Even if the flirt truly would never let it get out of hand, at least on a subconscoious level it is still a test and it is still disrespectful to that person's match if they are in a committed relationship.

The most important thing is not to let anyone tell you what you should and should not be comfortable with (including me). If there is something going on that you are not comfortable with, then you have the right to feel that way and to do something about it. Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you.
 

eebowler

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[ QUOTE ]
IsaacHayes said:
Flirting with people you have no intentions of doing something with can be just having fun, like you were to give your guy friends "crap" for something just to do it. You don't do that to girls, you flirt with them instead. That, I disagree with. Flirting is something I may do only if I'm interested in the girl

Flirting is a more subtle (subtle is relative, what you consider subtle may be strong and obvious for me) way of letting someone know you like them rather than coming up to them and telling them, which can make them embarrised, or scared. You can get feedback by their reaction and then take it from there to approach or not and try to talk to them.


And don't ever dismiss what you think is a flirt. You'll look back later and realize that the girl was flirting with you a lot and you missed out!!and if you're wrong, it sucks big time lol
.
.
.
Oh yeah, don't become too good of friends. Remember to feel out stepping it up a notch. I've lost girls because I wasn't bold enough at the right time, and then they just thought of me as a good friend, and then didn't want to date me. Understood. That is how it is sometimes though.

Ok hopefully you can learn from what I have learned. Now I just got to work on takign my own advice!!!

[/ QUOTE ]
 

cobb

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Wow, thanks. I too am new to it, but so far have been rather disappointed in my experiences with women and girls. I have no problem striking up a conversation with an older women. We talk about their kids, x husbands, boy friends, technology or some trivial stuff. Some times it gets right down childish. I enjoy that, but just think to myself wha tmy parents would think of a 27 year old with a nearly 50 year old women.

With younger women, what little flerting I get to do, I get it mentioned to me about their boy friend or husband very quick in the conversation, then I start to shut down in disappointment and return to the older women and talk about technology, gas, etc, etc.

My main concern is to not cross the sexual harrasement line. If i recall correctly any UNWANTED sexual thing is considered harrasement. So, it can be considered sexual harrasement if you are ugly in a sense.
 
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