D40Cvn Tell Jokes Giveaway!

[MaxBeam]

#4097

Doctor – You're overweight
Lady – I think I want a second opinion
Doctor – OK, you're also ugly.

 

[MaxBeam]

#4412

Once in an insane asylum an inmate screamed out I am George Washington. "How do you know?" someone asked. The inmate answered , "because G-D told me." Just then a scream came out from another room "I did not."

 

[MaxBeam]

#4640

If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!

 

[MaxBeam]

#453

A judge was trying to convince a woman filing for divorce to change her mind "you're 92 he said, you're husband's 94 you've been married for 73 years, why give up now?" "Our marriage has been on the rocks for quite a while" the woman explained "but we decided to wait until the children died."

 

[MaxBeam]

#4874

"Sorry I can't take any more appointments today" said the dentist to a patient "I already have 18 cavities to fill" Then he hung up , grabbed his golf bag and left.

 

[MaxBeam]

#5233

One morning I saw my husband in the pantry trying to decide between two different types of cereals. "Maybe you should take half a bowl of each", I said jokingly. "Wow," he said with a smile, "you really thing out of the box"

 

[MaxBeam]

#5014

Q: Why do you always find things in the last place you look?
A: Duh!

 

[MaxBeam]

#5369

Chicken#1 to #2 – How do I get to the other side?
Chicken #2 – You are on the other side!

 

[MaxBeam]

#4606

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

[MaxBeam]

#4516

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

[MaxBeam]

#597

A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

 

[MaxBeam]

#1488

A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

 

[MaxBeam]

#1400

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said,
"And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 

[MaxBeam]

#1910

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a gr eat cook and really good with the kids".

 

[MaxBeam]

#1822

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse hehas been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe,but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to putthe curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I nowpronounce you man and wife."

 

[MaxBeam]

#1768

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he isfeeling.
"I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word thedoctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked thenurse.>br> "OOPS"

 

[MaxBeam]

# 1668

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

[MaxBeam]

#1568

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

 

[MaxBeam]

#1500

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

[joshjp]

What is a man's idea of housework?Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

#1,767