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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher streaked by, exposing himself. The first old lady fell over after having a stroke, then the second old lady had a stroke...but the third one wasn't fast enough.

Great jokes, everybody! Sorry to those who've read my offering before, but it's the only one I could remember right now.
 
A man walks into a barbershop and asks how long the wait is.

"An hour and a half," says the barber.

"Okay," says the man, and he walks out.

The next day, the man returns, and again asks how long the wait is.

"An hour and a half," says the barber.

"Okay," says the man, and he walks out.

The next day, the man returns, but this time the barber says,
"Two Hours." As the man leaves, the barber turns to one of his
friends and says, "Follow that guy and see what he's up to."

A little while later the barber's friend returns, sits down and
begins to read a newspaper.

"So," asks the barber, "where did he go?"

"Your house."

Brightnorm
 
In a medical school, the doctors tells the apprentice:
"To become a surgeon, the first thing you have to do is to stop feeling disgusted."
Saying that, he plunges his finger in a bowl labeled "urine sample" and then into his mouth.
"Now, do the same!"
The student, thinking the bowl obviously couldn't really contain urine, does the same.
Then the doctor says while cleaning his hand:
"The second thing is be more observant! It wasn't the finger I licked that was in there."
 
That reminds me of some words of wisdom:

There are two secrets to true success.

1. Never tell anybody everything.
 
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the glass grinding machine?
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He made a spectacle of himself!
 
Did you hear about the snake that was taken to court?

He didn't have a leg to stand on
 
Tom Swift had finally finished his task. "Well Bud, that makes it one hundred and fourty-four," he said grossly.
 
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.

One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"

His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."


************************************************

A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."

"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
 
A mushroom goes into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom looks up and says, "What's wrong, I'm a fungi."
 
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
 
What's the difference between a plum and an elephant?
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If you had to look here for the answer, I hope you're never sent to the store to buy a bag of plums.

Daniel
 
Ya know how geese fly in a V formation? Ever wonder why one side of the V is longer than the other?
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There's more geese on that side
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohgeez.gif
 
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