Groaner

[Roy]

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstry machine?
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He is now fully recovered!

 

[bindibadgi]

You may have started a landslide here.

BTW did you hear about the farmer who got the Nobel Prize?
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He was out standing in his field.

 

[Double_A]

whew! With that subject title, for a minute there i though maybe my ex had come back to haunt me!

GregR

B-T-W that upholstry machine might, oh never mind

 

[14C]

Two atoms were walking along when one said to the other "I think I've ionized".

The second atom says to the first "Are you sure?"

The first atom says "I'm positive."

 

[raggie33]

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

 

[PhotonWrangler]

Two guys sitting in a bar...

One sees a nice-looking dog sitting on the floor next to the other guy. He says to the other guy, "does your dog bite?" and the other guy answers "no." So he reaches down to pet the nice doggie, and CHOMP! The dog bites his hand.

The guy's holding his hand in pain, bleeding, and says to the other guy "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The guy says "That ain't my dog."

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

 

[bindibadgi]

A guy went in to the doctor and asked for a diagnosis. He had five beans up one nostril, a carrot in his ear, onion rings around the other ear and spinach on his head.

The doctor said "I know what is wrong: you're not eating properly."

 

[PhotonWrangler]

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[PhotonWrangler]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[bindibadgi]

Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other: "you drive, I'll man the guns."

 

[AbnerCadaver]

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 1 foot tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

 

[kongfuchicken]

A guy comes in a bar; he asks for a beer and drinks it at once, then looks in his pocket and asks for another beer. Again, he drinks it at once and asks for another beer...
The barman asks him what he's doing. He answeres: "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she'll look pretty to me, I'll go home."

 

[bindibadgi]

Two birds were on a perch. One says to the other: "can you smell fish?"

 

[UncleFester]

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and said "You're a rope aint you? Get out, we don't serve your kind here". So the rope goes outside, hides around the corner and and bent himself into a pretzel shape. Then he frizzed up his ends. He went back into the bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously "You're a rope aint you?"
The rope answers No I'm FRAYED KNOT".

 

[nerdgineer]

Man walks into a bar in Alaska, says "Who owns that pitbull outside?" Big lumberjack comes up, says "I do, what of it?".

"Well", says the man, "my dog just killed your dog."

"No", exclaims the lumberjack, "my dog is the toughest dog in Alaska. No dog could kill it. What kind of dog do you have?"

"Chihuahua", says the man.

"Chihuahua!" says the lumberjack, "how can a Chihuahua kill a pit bull?"

"Choked on him", says the man.

 

[bindibadgi]

One elevator says to another elevator: "I think I'm coming down with something."

 

[PhotonWrangler]

A duck walks into a bar.

He perches himself up on a barstool and asks the bartender,
"Can I have some grapes?" The bartender says "sorry, we don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck returns and asks "Can I have some grapes?" The bartender, looking a little anoyed, says "I told you, we don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes in again. The bartender looks really annoyed by now as the duck says "Can I have some grapes?" The bartender says "LOOK! I TOLD YOU WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES! THIS IS A BAR! WE GOT WHISKEY, RUM AND BEER, BUT NO GRAPES! IF YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME ASKING FOR GRAPES, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THIS BAR!"
So the duck leaves.

Next day the duck returns and once again hops up onto the barstool. The bartender comes over and says with an angry look, "Yeah?..."

The duck says "Can I have some nails?" The bartender explodes and says "LOOK, THIS IS A BAR, NOT A HARDWARE STORE! OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS!!"

So the duck thinks it over and says "Good. Can I have some grapes?"

 

[PhotonWrangler]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

[wholeflaffer]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'What is this...some kind of joke?'

 

[kongfuchicken]

Two japanese tourists come out of the airpor and get into a cab. The driver gets them on the freeway and the tourists start pointing outside:
"Kawazaki motorcycle! Very fast! Made in Japan!"
"Toyota automobile! Very fast! Made in Japan!"
Even annoyed, the driver doesn't say anything. When they arrive at the hotel, the driver asks for $95; the tourists are shocked but the driver responds:
"Sony counter! Very fast! Made in Japan!"