there are some Jokes

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 8th

embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 9th

Joke about Clinton

Three Boy Scouts, in uniform, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard cries for help. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.

As it turned out, the man was Bill Clinton. The president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them.

"I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said.

"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"

"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.

"We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.

"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.

"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"

"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 10th

Joke about Little Johnny

ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

 

[Raptor#]

Ok, heres one:

How do you put a sparkle in a blonde's eye? Hold a flashlight to her ear.

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 11st

Joke about Marriage

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 12

Cannibal Jokes

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 13th

Educational Jokes

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 14th

Rude Jokes

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 25th

Judges Jokes

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

 

[carbine15]

Joke Feb. 14th

Rude Jokes

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

Then the guys brother came looking for a job. He had the same problem no arms. The pastor showed him how his brother did it and the man took on the job with no problems until one day the same thing happened to him. Fell off the tower. "who is he?" someone asked looking at his corpse. "I don't know but hes a dead ringer for his brother"

 

[PhotonWrangler]

Two cannibals sitting around the dinner table.

First cannibal: "You know, I really don't like my brother."

Second cannibal: "So just eat the potatoes."

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 26th

Antartian Jokes

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke Feb. 27th

business joke

Three engineers and three accountants weretraveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

[qcgoods2006]

joke Feb. 28th

Lightbulbs Jokes

Q: How many duffers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 4. One to hold the light bulb and stand on a spinning chair and 3 to spin the chair round and round!


Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem.


Q: How many type A personalities does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to tell him he's doing it all wrong.


Q. How many cockroaches dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None cause when you turn the light on they all scatter.

 

[DM51]

Keep 'em coming, qcg.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. A cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

[qcgoods2006]

Joke March 1st

Little John

ittle Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

 

[WAVE_PARTICLE]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

[Nereus]

joke Feb. 28th

Lightbulbs Jokes

Q: How many duffers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 4. One to hold the light bulb and stand on a spinning chair and 3 to spin the chair round and round!


Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem.


Q: How many type A personalities does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to tell him he's doing it all wrong.


Q. How many cockroaches dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None cause when you turn the light on they all scatter.

Corollary: how many CPFers are needed to change a lightbulb?

-One to detect the marvelous "quality dark"
-One to get annoyed by that
-One to buy 0,1 EUR el cheapo flashlight which breaks down after 10 sec use
-One to change the bulb and report to the Mod forum how the complicated operation was carried out, with pics of course
-Moderator to comment that the pics are oversized
-The modder is needed again to shrink the pics (down 1*1 pixel)
-Again one moderator to complain that the same topic has been discussed 36 times within the same week in other threads
-Some other moderator to merge threads
-6 CPFers to say that I prefer LEDs
-8 CPFers to say that I prefer HIDs
-10 CPFers to ask can you sell the mod
-20 CPFers to ask for beamshots of the mod
-9 CPFers to complain about white wall hunting and to ask for outdoor beamshots
-5 CPFers to complain about outdoor beamshots and to ask for white wall hunting
-25 CPFers to ask what is the runtime
-90 CPFers to ask the modder if he/she can change my lightbulb also (with no payment of course)
-One CPFer to write Cheers for excellent mod
-3 CPFers to write Jeers about bad customer service by the modder
-Modamag to build new heatsink for the new lightbulb
-McGizmo to build new reflector for the new lightbulb
-Wayne to build new converter for the new lightbulb
-Thousands of significant others wondering that *Gsus* my SO has gone mad about buying and changing lightbulbs!

-N

 

[kingoftf]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

++++++++++++++++


This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

+++++++++++++


Temperature Conversion Chart
50°F (10°C)- New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.

40°F (4°C)- Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.

35°F (2°C)- Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.

32°F (0°C)- Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

20°F (-7°C)- Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a T-shirt.

15°F (-9°C)- Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.

0°F (-18°C)- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cookout before it gets cold.

-10°F (-23°C)- People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flagpoles.

-20°F (-29°C)- Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a lightweight jacket.

-40°F (-40°C)- Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.

-60°F (-51°C)- Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

-80°F (-62°C)- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-100°F (-73°C)- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173°F (-114°C)- Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

-297°F (-183°C)- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460°F (-273°C)- ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.


+++++


Whats going on in the car forums...

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ashtray today. How do I replace it?

BMW Forums
- - - What ARE these orange lights on the corner of my car for?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH.

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - - Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - - Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success.

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck ******* in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car.

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - - Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit.

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company.

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - - Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $450 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - - Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Supra Forums
- - - Head too big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Ford 2.3 forums
- - - Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

+++


Ten Things Men Know About Women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have boobs.

 

[WAVE_PARTICLE]

-500°F (-296°C)- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Ouch! But so true.....