ericg533 said:
Great, I'll have to bring this with me the next time I go watermelon picking. I can finally fend off the savage beasts!
It's been a while since I've wrestled with a savage watermelon but I remember the technique.
First they must be identified. As you know they may appear to be breathing. Sometimes they just have some warping in the skin pattern that seems a little angry. Never extract a savage watermelon from his clan in the morning and certainly not at night. It's best to do this in the afternoon when they rest.
If you are using a car, you'll need to have at least one normal watermelon waiting on the floorboard. Even better is a pick-up truck with several normal watermelons in the bed of the truck.
Quietly stroll into the patch. Avoid actually looking directly at the watermelon if possible. With a sharp blade cut its vine. Gently lift it into your arms. Stand up and walk to the car or truck rocking the melon as you go. Place it next to a normal watermelon. He may wake up but if he sees a normal watermelon he'll go back to sleep.
Once home, and this important, don't put him in your garage. Take him to the kitchen and place him on the cool floor against a wall. With fast and confident movement use a big cutting knife to bore a deep hole 2" in diameter into the beast. Pop out the resulting plug and very quickly shove an open bottle of vodka into the hole. With both knees hold the savage watermelon down. Within just a minute or so he will become compliant.
The following night arrange for friends to come over to help you. Yank that bottle of vodka out, turn it upright then replace the cap. Lift the now confused watermelon onto the kitchen table. Cut it up into large pieces shaped in any way you wish. Let your friends devour these pieces. They may become talkative and abnormally manic. This is to be expected and that's fine. End result is that the malicious watermelon will be no longer a threat.
The above technique is the best I know of for dealing with savage watermelons.
I'm not as concerned with savage watermelons as I am with insane pumpkins. Once a year many of them become quite dangerous. They develop glowing faces with crazy expressions and migrate to your neighbors' porches, decks and balconies. You may find one or two on your own porch. That time of year is only two months away. I know of some methods for dealing with them. More on that later. For now begin stocking up on pie crust and Cool Whip.