Who do you trust? and Why?

[Lightraven]

I just finished reading a thread regarding a possible . . .well, theft of a flashlight during a CPF passaround. I have wondered about what seemed to be an obvious risk. On another message board, someone was banned for claiming to be an Army Ranger officer and/or FBI agent. The person was in fact a 14 year old kid.

It made me think about my own attitude about trusting people. I am, by nature, very distrustful. When I hear about guys whose wives have cheated on them, and the guys who cheat on their wives, it makes me more cynical.

Listening to the details of the Michael Jackson trial, I'm simply astonished that anyone would trust him with their children.

Several of my coworkers, and even supervisors have been caught stealing or engaging in fraud of one type or another.

I know none of us are saints, but I wonder how you deal with the question I pose in the subject line. My sister added some interesting female perspective to this question that wouldn't occur to guys--i.e. potential sexual assault.

How do you screen who you will trust? How long you have known them? What they do for a living? References? Polygraph? (Don't laugh, I failed one!)

 

[Pydpiper]

I trust everyone, and I also trust in my resourses to recover my loses.
Pyd.

 

[Topper]

I agree with Pydpiper,I trust almost everyone once then thier actions speak for themselves as whether or not to trust them in the future. A few times I get what some call A gut instinct or A Word from the Lord or whatever you call it. I think its called Discernment in some groups, I think most of us have a bit of that. I try to pay attention to it.
Topper /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[MrTwoTone]

Don't worry too much about /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ooo.giffailing a polygraph test.It's SOP to tell the testee that the results don't look good even when you pass.It's a ploy to get you to talk further.

 

[jtr1962]

Look into their eyes. If they blink frequently it probably means they're lying. That's a good filter for getting rid of the obvious liers. When you don't meet the person face-to-face it's harder. If you talk to them over the phone and their voice is stressed, again they're probably lying. Beyond that it's simply a matter of using your sixth sense.

After 42 years I've largely come to the conclusion that most people are dishonest in one way or another. I've also decided that I'm not going to let that come in the way of trusting everyone I meet at first. Sooner or later a person's true self will come out. I'll protect myself so that I won't lose big time if someone turns out to be no good, but I'm not going to lose sleep if someone takes the equivalent of a few dollars from me. It's worth that much to learn this isn't a person who can be trusted. It's worth it even more when you find one of the few in this world who lives by the same code of honor that you do. I trust a guy I work for enough to have let slid thousands of dollars of work for months until he had the cash flow to pay me. He's trusted me with tens of thousands of dollars of equipment in my home for repair. Granted, this trust wasn't built up overnight, but seldom do I see things like this in the business world, or even among friends or family. As another example, my brother still owes me a substantial sum of money, but I trust him enough to know I'll get it when he is able to pay. I never had him sign any agreements. In fact, I personally consider such written agreements between family or friends insulting. If I can't trust in a person's good will, I simply won't deal with them.

The hardest area of trust for me is in relationships with the opposite sex. There is so much paranoia and warped expectations nowadays thanks to the media that it's difficult to see if someone really cares about you, or just what you have, or perhaps who you know. This is also an area where a breach of trust can have the most dire consequences. I can forgive lapses of judgement where a person steals material things from me. I will never forgive a person who professed to be in love with me, and then cheated with someone else. That's why I suppose cheating wives and husbands rank right below cockroaches to me. To me a breach of trust like that is virtually incomprehensible. I believe in honesty and communication. If two people are having difficulties then talk them out. If you can't solve the problems, or simply realize you're incompatible, then mutually end it. Don't live a farce where you stay married for material reasons or social standing and then fool around on the side. And if either of the parties of an engagement bring up a pre-nuptial agreement break it off immediately. A trust between two people needs no such agreement. If I were to marry a person with substantially more wealth than me and I said I wouldn't sue them for it if we got divorced, I'll hold to my terms no matter how bitter the ending.

 

[fluorescent]

 

[PhotonWrangler]

For me trust has to be earned, but I consider myself to be generally trusting with a dose of healthy vigilance. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I went through life distrusting everybody all of the time, so I take each case as it comes up. I'll form some quick assumptions based on the circumstances, a person's body language (whether it's "open" or "closed," for instance), their choice of words and their degree of eye contact. As someone mentioned earlier, a lot can be ascertained from an individual's eyes.

I know some individuals who are always distrusting of everybody, and it just eats them up inside. They probably became that way because of some extremely bad experiences, but at some point the problem became self-perpetuating for them and they wind up going through their lives living in absolute misery. Not for me. I prefer to focus on what's good in people (they really surprise me sometimes) while maintaining a general awareness of all possibilities, good or otherwise. In other words, optimistic but not gullible.

 

[SilverFox]

I drive...

I trust everyone driving towards me to stay on their side of the yellow line...

I am also vigilant and prepared to take action should I find that my trust is about to be violated.

Before I was old enough to drive, my parents instilled these values in me by direction and example. I have passed my attitudes and lessons on to my children.

Tom

 

[Lynx_Arc]

Trust comes down to risk at times in life. If you cannot afford or do not wish to afford loss of something you tend not to risk it with people that an issue of trust with is unknown or untested. I tend to trust/risk what I can afford to lose and when that trust is broken I try not to get overly upset as it is partially my fault at not discerning the risk properly. When you deal with people there is always a chance of something going wrong ruining trust in them. The only way you can solidify trust is to risk loss, sometimes trust is ruined... othertimes you find someone you can trust and share trust with and that is at times worth more than the loss risked.

We all live a limited time here on earth and gain/lose material items during that time. The stuff that should more concern us with loss in trust issues is stuff that we will pass on to our family and friends. I find at times you have to get to the point of almost violence when people reject your trust for motives usually associated with greed. Anyone that doesn't return trust is akin to a thief and should be treated along that line. Sometimes it takes the law to teach untrustworthy people that they shouldn't prey on honest peoples charity for their selfish gain.

 

[gadget_lover]

There is an innate tendency to distrust strangers; people not of your tribe. This was a survival trait thousands of years ago. Thus xenophobia is a common worldwide trait. But things change, and so do people's perceptions.

I have to point out that there is trust, neutral and distrust.

In my culture (USA, baby boomer) the tendancy is to be neutral to trustful when meeting a stranger. It was emphasized in grade school. The admonition was to "make friends with the new kid".

In my grandfathers' day, he tells me that trust had to be earned, and that strangers were somewhere between distrusted and neutral.

Myself? I am neutral towards strangers. As I get to know them, my trust will increase or decrease. As they show their honesty I will either trust them more or less. I don't put people in a position where they can do me harm until I've known them for quite a while.

A good rule of thumb, is to observe how a person treats others. I person who gosips to me will gossip about me. A person who cheats on his taxes will rationalize ripping off others if his need is great enough. Often it's the little things, like keeping the extra change that the cashier gave him by accident that tip you off.

The silly thing is, trust is often based not on observations of good judgement and values, but on failing to detect bad judgement or values. I'm trusted with corporate secrets of many companies and have access to a lot of personal information. I've done nothing to prove my trustworthyness other than to show respect for the privacy of my clients. No detectable breach of that trust makes me trustworthy.

I think a good credo is "trust but verify". Start neutral and let new aquaintences prove that they are dependable, but do it in such a way that you can tell if they are not.

Daniel

 

[cobb]

I guess it depends on what you look at. Myself, its someone who can remember stuff, give me my correct change and nothing ends up missing after contact.

As mentioned about, everone is flawed in some way and for some reason, I am the guy most tell. I have had folks tell me how they cheat taxes, medical expenses, child support, officers during a ticket or something, you name it. I really dont care, but I guess these folks want to brag and think no one would beleive me or that I cant speak?

 

[Cornkid]

For me it is easy.. There are people on the net I trust. (several flashaholics)
1. The ones I have done business with.
2. Those I speak to frequently. (aka Topper, Al, and some others)

In the real world I can look into someone's eyes and tell what kind of person they really are. The way they speak also gives them away..

Example: There was a girl in my class who I thought was attractive.. ( I sat behind her) Upon talking to her and really meeting with her, I changes my mind..

-tom

 

[PlayboyJoeShmoe]

I find I cannot come up with a good answer.

I HAVE to trust other drivers on the roads to do the right thing like staying in their lane etc.

I am forced to trust My Uncle/Boss's customers.

Trust but verify seems like the best answer.

 

[Lightraven]

That's important--sometimes you have no choice but to trust somebody. At least you trust their skill and desire not to foul up since that may bring negative consequences to them.

I don't think I have been badly burned by trusting the wrong person the way some people have. It's more of "Only the paranoid survive," sort-of thing. I certainly can't afford to be overly trusting working in law enforcement. I almost have to assume the worst.

However, some of my coworkers have been ripped off, or their spouses "stolen" by other coworkers. A few are corrupt and that's the worst feeling--to be working with the enemy. Today we learned that a coworker has pleaded guilty to drug trafficking.

I guess we all make mental calculations about whether we need to trust someone, whether they act trustworthy, and what is at stake--will a breach of trust result in serious consequences?

I'm also wary of people who are too absorbed in the pursuit of money or sex or drugs. It seems those things are what tempt people to violate trust.

 

[Unicorn]

Good question. The person whom I trusted more than anyone turned out to be the one that stabbed the sword the deepest into my back. She was onle able to do that because of the trust I had in her, she was (is until the divorce is final) my wife after all. I trust the people I've known, and after I've learned what kind of people they are. I trust most everyone to some extent. Some more or less depending on how well I know them, and what they should be trusted with. The people I trust the most now are my friends who've been with me through it all. The guy I went overseas with, and was roomates with, who is now giving me a place to stay while home on convalescent leave, and his wife. There are peole I'd trust to watch my back if bullets were flying, but I wouldn't trust them to pay back a $10 loan. Sounds funny, but I know what they can be trusted with.

 

[kongfuchicken]

Before I offer my trust to anyone, I'd ask myself why and try to find at least one answer. In conclusion, I decided to trust everyone to help their own interests, a few less people to keep their responsibilities, only a few with my interest and no one but myself with my responsibility.

 

[VidPro]

95-98% of people are trustworthy, the other 2-5% one should completly protect themselves from, which will also keep the other 95-98% on track /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

and never trust anyone who says "trust Me" or "you Can trust me" or "why dont you trust me"
because trust is EARNED not given, anyone who expects it on the instant of thier arrival, is preparing for a swift departure /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

i agree with that post that says, dont trust what you cant Risk. so when putting your cash into stocks , the goverment, or a relatives hands, down payments on uninspected houses, or used cars. it better be your extranious cash, for learning purposes, and not your livlihood.

 

[Beamhead]

Who....Everyone, until they prove otherwise.

Why....I was raised that way. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[brightnorm]

[ QUOTE ]
jtr1962 said:
Look into their eyes. If they blink frequently it probably means they're lying. That's a good filter for getting rid of the obvious liers...

[/ QUOTE ]

That may be sometimes true but there are too many exceptions to make it reliable. Allergies, contact lens irritation, fatigue, "dry eye", pollution, elevated general anxiety, corneal sensitivity and prescription drug reactions all contribute to excessive blinking.

Brightnorm