Wife depressed with nothing to do

[cityevader]

I'm having a hard time because I have quite a few hobbies that can easily keep me endlessly busy. But they are the hands-on-building-things hobbies that she isn't into.
She has no activities or hobbies, and is not much of a "hands-on" type. She's becoming more depressed with nothing to do, and ends up spending all evening on the computer in chat boards/forums (mostly "The Bump" with other newly pregnant women...she is 8 weeks prego).

It's hard to not be insensitive and I want to say "Just find something to do!"

I know it's nearly impossible to recommend a hobby, or activity of any sort, to someone you don't now....and perhaps I'm venting more than asking? But any ideas at all would be appreciated.

 

[stevep]

Exercise is an important factor in battling depression.See if you can get her into an exercise routine.Let her know how important it is for her and the babies well being. Get one of those big wheel strollers that I see young fit mothers around here using.You will need to go with her, at least in the beginning.


I have some friends that have wives with no real hobby,except shopping. A high limit credit card is true happiness for them.

 

[shhh]

My wife was the same way.
I was always out pulling motors or out in the feild making "Fireworks"
And she could care less about anything that i was doing.

But she did think the dasiy chain along the fence line was cool.
lmao

She got hereself a job to kinda keep her kinda busy...........Sitting on her
butt mostly lol.

We also have a 4 and a 5 year old that keeps her on her toes.

Once that child gets here she will be busy and if that gets boring to her wait till he/she gets a little older! Its bad when i have to have my lights in the gun safe! lmao


WeLL it is about V Day go take her out.
Make her forget about being boring!

My wife lived on cafe moms and still was on there up to mabey a year ago.

Hope all goes well for you on your quest.

 

[SFG2Lman]

my wife is going through the same thing, last pregnancy she worked just about until the due date, but she has had back problems this time around so she hasn't worked in 4 or 5 months and i have been here in iraqistan so the only company she has is our 11 month old daughter lol. She did get really down at first (half horomones, half boredom, half lonely...3 halves i know) but family and friends have kept her fairly busy, and i put her in charge of finances, so she is constantly analyzing the checkbook and finding ways to save nickels. She fake shops for houses and cars a lot though...that worries me...lol, Just remember, that creature you though was your wife is not. Those hormones are shorting out her brain and may require you to have infinite patience with her. (also you may have to run to the store for chocolate shakes and pickles at 3AM) For the next 8-9 months you are in for a ride lol, spend as much time as you can with her, and take her out, don't let her start thinking that being pregnant is incapacitating her or worse, making you not want to be seen with her. Best of luck and hopefully you have a whiz-bang valentines day plan

 

[orchid_guy]

My wife became depressed at one time too. As a result, she discovered she enjoys cooking. Right now, she has a pile of 10 or 12 recipes printed off the internet she is going to make in the next two weeks.

I know different organizations are always looking for volunteers: animal shelters, girls&boys clubs/ big brother and big sister groups, habitat for humanities.

Seeing as you are expecting a baby, she could take the role of project manager to ensure you will have all the necssary supplies and clothes(again, my wife did this when she wasn't working and spent hours doing research).

I hope this helps.

 

[Yavox]

I think you could consider spending more time WITH your wife doing some activities together, rather than finding a hobby for her. From what you have written above it looks like you both live separate lives in different worlds. Finding something to do just for her does not change anything in my opinion. It will be just you with your hobbies that keep you busy and her with her hobbies keeping her busy.

It may sound like a strange advice from a stranger, but I think I have been there. Some time ago I caught myself on trying to find something to do for my wife. After some time I just realized that my efforts were not for her but for myself. I like spending a lot of time alone, with my hobbies, and knowing that she has nothing to do was making me feel a bit guilty. Finally I had to ask myself - do I want to make her happy with a hobby or to make myself free from worrying that she has nothing to do while her husband prefers to be busy with his own stuff?

 

[LUPARA]

Hi Cityevader;

Yavox is right on the money. You and you alone are responsible for prviding adventure for your wife; she is your #1 priority and she depends on you. Don't wait for her to get to the point of desperation before you get off your *** and figure something out; do it.

I'm hitting you pretty hard and heavy; don't worry, just about all guys that are serious about their wives have gone thru the same thing. My wife is currently 5 mths pregers; she loves reading; she's so easy going and not demanding that it's easy to "do my own thing". But the reality is just like yours; it's no different; it's just that it's expressed differently because our wives are individuals.

All I can offer you is my experience. I don't care how stupid it sounds but: never miss an opportunity to let her know you love her. Valentine's day is a classic; no need to drag her anywhere for a 10 course meal; but: Getting her a rose/roses (red for love); and taking her out for dinner maybe. That's hard; not because she's pregers, but because YOU have to engage with your wife. So man up; find out what she really likes and wants; then GET IT FOR HER. A woman, needs for a man to tell her that he loves her EVERY DAY!! Once a week doesn't count. Just a little gesture; get her into reading, by buying a book from each category i.e. Romance, Historical novel; Crime; Suspense; Science fiction etc; just find out what she likes, then after a while you'll know insticively because she'll share more with you. It's like watering a flower, and the petals unfold. Do it with books, then expand it to other things later on; but never stop; never stop dating your wife. Do that; and I think your confidence in your own ability to understand femininity will grow; and so will your wife's respect for you; which after all; is what WE need; a woman's respect.

Lecture over: it's not easy!! But you can do it, otherwise you would not even have bothered asking in the first place. Welcome to the NFL.

Go for it; don't hold back!!!

 

[shhh]

Me and my wife used to make baby blankets and other little stuff like that. When we had our kids.
Mabey something u two can do together for the little one.

 

[cityevader]

Yah, I've been pushing that thought back (that it's my job to get her going) because I lack creativity for things she may enjoy. She herself is at a loss to figure out what she might like.
One problem is our personalities are too similar in many areas, including adventure. We're both the type that need to have someone take us somewhere, so we both end up not doing anything because we're both "followers" in that sense.

Last night I planned an impromptu trip to Half Moon Bay to watch the Mavericks surf competition (neither of us are info surfing per se but thought it'd be fun) but of course there was no mention anywhere about when it was. We're getting ready to leave and it's pretty much over. Maybe we'll take the bikes down to Santa Cruz for a date.

BTW, she's been depressed/hated her job well before the hormones/pregnancy, and she thought having a baby would solve that. It's actually made it worse.
She has done a bit of sewing, but fabric has become vastly more expensive since "China" etc has made everything cheaper to buy than make.
Exercise was difficult to get her going before. Making the P7 headlights helped as evenings are so dark, but she's a wimp when it comes to the cold. Summer would be better, but by then she'll be too prego to do much at all.

 

[SFG2Lman]

yur out by monterrey/san fran and theres nothing to do?! i lived there for a year and a half and i was never bored. Mini-golf, walkin the beach lookin for sand-dollars, all the car shows, the concerts, comedy clubs, trips to big sur (highway 1 is GORGEOUS and full of great photo-ops), and on those lazy saturdays when everyone else was hungover, i'd go to the beach and fly my stunt kite, sounds childish, but it has 150lb pull with 20mph winds and you can really get her movin. fishing was always available, the farmers market every tuesday in downtown monterrey was a GREAT place to find fresh flowers/produce/ interesting little knick knacks and art. changing from a follower to a leader is an organization book and a google search away! There is so much history in that area, and TONs of great restaurants. I even went up to santa cruz a lot with friends for the board walk and the tattoo places (i only got one but i had a large van to make the trip easier for the others). I don't miss it per se as i really couldn't relate to the local people at all (i fit in better in the south) but that didn't stop me from enjoying it. I spent 3 hours trying to find the golden gate bridge and ended up driving back an forth across it 4 times just to prove a point once we got there lol. Good Luck!

 

[js]

cityevader,

Such transitions are hard no matter who you are or what your state is. Even if you hate your job and you go from working 40 hours a week to not working, it's going to be hard to lose that structure. Sooner or later it will make itself felt.

You can't fix it. Nor is it your responsibility to do so. I completely disagree with the notion that:

You and you alone are responsible for providing adventure for your wife; she is your #1 priority and she depends on you.

As it's stated, it's a really bad idea. But, don't get me wrong! It's great to provide adventure and love and companionship to your wife. And she should be very high on your priority list (but not above your own absolute necessities--not longterm, anyway). And telling her you love her frequently is great--as long as it doesn't become perfunctory . . .

BUT

. . . it is NOT your responsibility to provide her with adventure. That's a fast track to draining all the fun and adventure out of a relationship. Adventure needs to have at least a dash of spontaneity to stay fresh, to say the least. And you and your wife should have your own interests and activities apart from each other. There's nothing at all wrong with this. It can sometimes indicate a disjoint in a relationship, but it can ALSO indicate a healthy and strong relationship between two individuals who are also, well, individuals with identities apart from the relationship.

All you can do is make it CRYSTAL clear to your wife that you WANT her to be happy, and that you are there for her in any and all ways. But do not, under any circumstances, imply or accept or acquiesce to the notion that it is your responsibility. That's not good for you, and it's not good for her either, because then when she's unhappy, she will not only have the burden of being unhappy, but added to it will be the thought that this will make more work for you, that it is unacceptable to you.

It needs to be OK for your wife to be unhappy. Not that you don't want that to change to happiness, but just that that's the way it is and that's part of life. It happens. It's OK. It may even be good for us long term. Who knows.

Think sympathy, not solutions. And that in itself can be a solution (but don't expect that).

All of this said, obviously if you and your wife are disjointed from each other and don't spend any time together, then by all means find stuff to do. Ask her about her interests and get interested in them yourself. Not that you're going to take them up, but just that you want to know more. Take an interest. And don't put any pressure on her to get a hobby. She can do that all on her own.

I've found that playing games with another couple is really fun and provides a nice structure around which to socialize. It takes the pressure off because the game is always there. There's always something to take up the attention and conversation. Apples to Apples is an awesome game for four players (but not so good for three, and impossible for two). Dominoes is also lots of fun with four. And, of course, there are plenty of two player games--card games, board games. But, having an activity planned every week--a "game night" if you will--can really help in situations like this. Even having favorite TV shows to watch is good in my opinion, assuming you watch them together. And there are lots of good TV series that are past and done and available to watch on DVD via netflix (or instant watching). Find a series you both love and get into it. And obviously there are lots of outdoor activities if you and she are up to it. You live in a great part of the country!

But anyway, let me repeat my main point:

Do not "man up". Do not feel guilty. What you and your wife are going through isn't easy. It's OK for there to be some unhappiness, and for you to feel the need to vent. Vent away! It's good for the soul!

The ONLY thing you need to do is to just LOVE your wife. Be there for her and encourage her and try to not put any more pressure on either her OR yourself. Just accept the situation as it is, and the solutions will come on their own. This isn't something that you "fix". Sympathy, not solutions.

 

[jtr1962]

I'm not married or in a relationship, but I can relate to what you're going through with your wife on a personal level because my late father used to be the same way. Even though he supposedly had hobbies, once he retired it was obvious he just didn't know what to do with himself. And in the end there wasn't a whole lot either me or my mom could do to alleviate his boredom. We suggested a bunch of things to no avail. In the end what it really came down to was he didn't want to put any effort into his life. If you're unwilling to work at learning new things, you're usually going to be bored unless you find someone willing to entertain you.

While I agree to some extent that it's a good idea for a spouse to think of new experiences for their significant other, it also works BOTH ways. I would hate to be in a relationship where I'm the only one initiating anything. I would soon become burnt out and/or frustrated. Having hobbies doesn't mean you don't enjoy your wife's company. It simply means that you need some time apart from her. This is healthy and normal. And she should have similar interests. It's also good if she happens to share some of your hobbies, even most of them. But the thing is she needs to find what she's interested in on her own. You can't pick a hobby for a person. You can suggest some things for them to try out, but in the end it's up to the person whether or not a particular hobby "clicks" with them. But the key part is they have to be willing to put in the effort to learn and enjoy the hobby. Sadly, this is a growing problem with our society made worse by the easy availability of entertainment both on the tube, and on line. Fewer and fewer people are willing to put forth this effort, especially in light of the fact that many hobbies on the surface seem "boring" compared to the alternatives. Truth is once you get into them they're way more entertaining, but it takes work. Often a lot of work.

Anyway, that's my insight. I'll also readily admit I may not be the best person to give advice as I seldom get bored. Same with my mom. Always finding things to do despite not working since her early 40s. I'm convinced there are self-starters who will always think of something to fill the day, and there are those who want to be entertained. Education and intelligence can both help alleviate boredom, but they're not a guarantee. It really all comes down to being willing to put forth the effort. If you're not, then expect to be bored quite often in life.

 

[Mdinana]

Bah! So is she truly/clinically diagnosed "depressed" or are you using it in the layman's term to mean she just doesn't do much around the house? I ask, because 1) I'm a doctor, and 2) I actually had an ex-gf that WAS clinically depressed (as in, hey let's cut my wrists tonight) and there's a world of difference.

Y'know, most girls don't want guys to SOLVE their problems. They want guys to LISTEN to their problems.

Which, to me, says it's not your job to make her find a hobby. Rather, support the one she has. If she likes The Bump, then encourage her to go to local outings that they may have (kind of like CPFers occasionaly do). If they don't have any, encourage her to put one on. She's preggo- get excited (or at least, fake it) about the baby, suggest you want to start preparing for it and you'd like her input. Everyone knows pregnancy is a hormonal nightmare, but she'll take to nesting pretty easily. More than anything, maybe you should cut back on your hobbies and make more time for her. Remember, being pregnant, she's going to want to know that you'll be there for her. Diddling around with your flashlight/car/model airplanes/collection of Yiddish karoake or whatever you do in your spare time TAKES YOU AWAY FROM HER. Thus, she feels abandoned, thus she gets lonely and "depressed" at the worst possible time (I know, crazy-talk, but women don't think like men. Bounce these ideas off some of your female co-workers or relatives if you don't believe me)

Do you really think you can force her to find a hobby that she's going to like, or do you think instead that she's going to be pushed further into whatever funk she's in b/c you're "rubbing it in" that she's got nothing to do?

 

[cityevader]

Got viewpoints folks, thank you. I agree for the most/some part with everybody. It is my job to encourage and uplift, and perhaps guide and direct, but not fully supply something I can't truly give anyway.

I wouldn't say she's clinically depressed, just in a funk...for a couple years straight. And I fix things.. all things (mechanic/handyman)...but I can't fix people, so it's hard to just listen away like I've been doing for years without trying to throw some solutions out there.

Another HUGE issue I didn't mention, is that she's deaf. She can't just call up a friend. Can't enjoy music in the car or at a concert, can't converse in the dark, or talk to a neighbor, or chat with a nice old lady on a park bench, or be involved in lunch conversation. Imagine yourself surrounded by people yet totally cut off from interacting with them. It has always been/will be her problem to bear for the rest of her life.

My world is hearing, and activities involve such (for the most part) so I don't really know how to empathize with that. Nor is it easy to come up with things to do that we can each enjoy together. Typically it's things like today, riding around Santa Cruz people watching (lots of "unusual" people to watch!) and sitting on the beach and watching surfers and doggies and wierdos. But beyond people watching, I'm hard-pressed for ideas. Especially spontaneous ones, and even more especially when the weather isn't perfect like today and people aren't out.... and oh yeah, like most, money is super tight so that throws another limit...that won't change anytime soon either!

 

[glockboy]

My next door neighbor got the same problem as you, he ask her to learn to Knitting baby gloves, baby socks, baby stuffs.. and sell it on Ebay.
It will cost more for her to knitting and selling on Ebay than peoples buying her stuffs, but it make her happy.

 

[watt4]

since she does the internet, ask her to make a website about your hobbies. seriously.

for example, she could take pictures of your flashlights and put them on a website with descriptions. then, work on improving her photography. and changing/improving the web design.

also, ask her if she wants to start her own forum.

 

[Greta]

Men... :shakehead

Seriously guys... cityevader... it is a testament to your love and concern for your wife that you posted this thread to begin with and I applaud you for that... BUT!! ... if my husband were to keep harping on me to "find something to do"... he'd end up being incapable of fathering any more children. Your wife is extremely hormonal and emotional right now... yeah, I know that's frustrating for you and you only want to help (or simply get her to "STOP IT!!") but the down and dirty truth to it is that only SHE can fix it. Stop harping... stop hovering... AND... go with her to her next OB appointment and discuss it with her doctor... that is, if your wife really has a problem with "how she is" and wants to do something about it. Keep in mind that it's very possible (and probable!) that this is YOUR issue and not hers. If she is happy (or at least content) to hang out in a forum of like-minded people on the net... (OH MY!! whoever HEARD of such nonsense!! ), then let her be!

You're a good husband, cityevader... that's obvious... don't blow it!!... sometimes?... we really, really, really! do NOT need your help!

 

[cityevader]

For a long time before she was even abnormally hormonal due to pregnancy, she has been saying that she needs a hobby. As a [dutiful?] husband I've been listening to her, trying to reflect back so she knows I hear her, and only occasionally offer suggestions. "Occasionally" because I don't have many ideas so I came here to ask for input, and I'm not the type to say "you need a solution"=hovering...rather I'm the type to say "maybe you could try..."=handyman mentality...again as a reply to her saying that she needs something to do.

As for the forum thing...again, I was listening to her, and in her words (paraphrased) "I spend too much time on this board that it keeps me away from the reality I'm in, the present time and place, and I'm stuck in a virtual world. I told all my lady friends that I'd be around far less frequently from now on."
It is a fantastic thing these web forums of like minded people...but when it "becomes your world" at the expense of your true world, that's when it becomes a problem.

I am going to her next OB appt, but I'm confused, discuss what with them? That she's been depressed for years or that she wants a hobby (her words) and doesn't know what to do. Maybe I should see my own OB if they can solve all kinds of life problems.

I'm very sorry if it seems like I've been bashing you, but most of what you said I feel were off the mark except that it may be my problem (partly). If I were different in a way that fulfilled her more, than yes, she wouldn't be as depressed. If I could recharge her without draining myself, we would both be more happy. If I knew how, I would. Perhaps it is my own character flaw to some degree, but I do not blame her for my long standing mild depression, so I'll take some of the blame but not all. Does that mean I'll ever ever try to NOT fix things, doubtful...that is my biggest character flaw, which is better than ignoring/not caring about her problems.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm bashing you, but

 

[Mdinana]

Men... :shakehead

Seriously guys... cityevader... it is a testament to your love and concern for your wife that you posted this thread to begin with and I applaud you for that... BUT!! ... if my husband were to keep harping on me to "find something to do"... he'd end up being incapable of fathering any more children. Your wife is extremely hormonal and emotional right now... yeah, I know that's frustrating for you and you only want to help (or simply get her to "STOP IT!!") but the down and dirty truth to it is that only SHE can fix it. Stop harping... stop hovering...

You're a good husband, cityevader... that's obvious... don't blow it!!... sometimes?... we really, really, really! do NOT need your help!

Isn't that what I said???

 

[cityevader]

But Mdinana, I liked your response better because it provided solutions to a problem. I am a guy after all and don't think like a woman.

Harping and hovering and forcing a solution I am not.