Wife depressed with nothing to do

[Greta]

I am a guy after all and don't think like a woman.

BINGO!! :twothumbs ... and just like a guy, you didn't see the solutions that a WOMAN offered... As long as you continue to think like a guy and not consider a woman's point of view, you won't get anywhere. No matter how counter-intuitive it may seem to you, if you really want to help, you gotta stop thinking like a guy. And... FWIW... (sorry 'bout this...)... she's in her first trimester... no matter what you say or do, it's going to be wrong... so give up now and just hold on 'til the second trimester... it does get more rational then, I promise!

What to discuss with her OB?!?! um... that she's depressed, maybe?!? ... that YOU'RE depressed?!?! A good OB will know how to deal with the whole family and not just the one who is pregnant... that is their job and what you are paying them for.

Look... bottom line is that only she can fix herself. And if she needs a doctor's help to do that, then get her to one!

Harping and hovering and forcing a solution I am not.

Then maybe you should...

 

[cityevader]

Thank you. I hear you.
I believe I do need to change my perspective.
I do believe you're right on more levels than I'll give credit to.
I just don't know how to change myself.

 

[Greta]

Thank you. I hear you.
I believe I do need to change my perspective.
I do believe you're right on more levels than I'll give credit to.
I just don't know how to change myself.

Well first... you don't REALLY have to change yourself... just act like you have... 'til the insanity passes...

OH!! ... and go to the book store... and pick up a book by Michelle Weiner-Davis... "How to get through to the man you love"... (applies to women too). LOTS of good advice in there and ways to change things up. Best book I ever read and I recommend it to everyone!! (BTW... I have two children... 27 and 19... and I'm coming up on my 28th anniversary... just so you don't think I'm talking out my butt... )

 

[flashfan]

Cityevader, I dunno, if someone has been "depressed" for a couple of years now, instead of just the past few months, it would seem that something is amiss, rather than just a funk.

Sorry if you already mentioned it and I missed it, but has your wife actually told you that she is "depressed," or are assuming that she feels that way? Could she just be restless, and doesn't know what to do?

Does she like to read, or even better, write? How about cooking? What about playing some card games or something with her(I think someone else already mentioned this)? You noted that she did some sewing--what kind of sewing does she like to do? Craft stuff, clothing, both, or other? I would have suggested knitting or crocheting, but I think yarn is really expensive...

Does she have any friends close by enough to visit with? Or maybe twitter/blog/instant message with? Just curious, what kinds of things did the two of you enjoy doing while you were dating and/or when you were first married (if you don't mind sharing)?

Just some random, rambling thoughts.

 

[cityevader]

Yeah, she verbalizes the fact she's depressed and finds no joy in/desire to do things.
Today she said the problem isn't that she has nothing to do, but that she doesn't feel like doing anything, doesn't feel alive.

The last two days have been sunny after about a month of off and on gloom, and we've enjoyed walking/riding/people watching, which is basically the same activities before and after marriage, and she looked happier... she's gloomy when weather is gloomy. Move? Can't imagine a place with better weather than San Jose though.

I'm gonna spend the next week subtly asking questions and see if I can't get her to verbalize better just what it is she needs. (up to now it's been very vague responses but I didn't push...I'll be persistent yet not forceful).

 

[saabluster]

Well first... you don't REALLY have to change yourself... just act like you have... 'til the insanity passes...

With all due respect K I think you are missing the point here. It seems you think this all stems from the pregnancy. Also all women do not think alike. You in fact are quite special as is evidenced merely by your presence here in a hobby "ruled" by men.(and yet strangely ruled by a women):kiss: Please do not be so dismissive of what seems to be a real problem just because you are a strong woman.

Yeah, she verbalizes the fact she's depressed and finds no joy in/desire to do things.
Today she said the problem isn't that she has nothing to do, but that she doesn't feel like doing anything, doesn't feel alive.

The last two days have been sunny after about a month of off and on gloom, and we've enjoyed walking/riding/people watching, which is basically the same activities before and after marriage, and she looked happier... she's gloomy when weather is gloomy. Move? Can't imagine a place with better weather than San Jose though.

I'm gonna spend the next week subtly asking questions and see if I can't get her to verbalize better just what it is she needs. (up to now it's been very vague responses but I didn't push...I'll be persistent yet not forceful).

There obviously has been a multitude of advise here so I am a bit reticent to add more to the pile but here goes. I have been in similar situation, but not as bad, with my wife. She really wanted a hobby and would complain about the fact that she lacked one. This is a delicate situation as you cannot force a hobby on someone. I didn't offer any suggestions that I can remember. I did listen to her though. I offered help if she wanted it but steered away from pushing her in any direction. She finally has found joy in making cooking somewhat of a hobby. This has turned out to be a very fulfilling thing for her. Why? It is a basic principle that we as humans gain much joy from giving to others. There is more happiness in giving than receiving right? This is a fundamental truth. Cooking allows my wife to feel like she is contributing to the happiness and joy of others. And she is. To say that I appreciate what she does is an understatement. Now here is the part where you come in. Let her know how much you appreciate her work. Whatever it is. This helps her to feel like she has worth. And she does. I'm not saying to suggest your wife start cooking more with a hobby bent but the underling principle is the guide. Helping others will bring immense pleasure to her. It will also get her mind off herself. Depression causes one to turn internal- to think more about oneself or plight than one should. Doing things for others turns those thoughts externally-to others.

 

[GMLRS]

Socializing is suppose to help a lot, lack of it is one of the worst things, as with everyone else, a good diet with plenty of excercise, and some sunlight is necessary.:twothumbs

 

[ctcfirearms]

Another HUGE issue I didn't mention, is that she's deaf. She can't just call up a friend. Can't enjoy music in the car or at a concert, can't converse in the dark, or talk to a neighbor, or chat with a nice old lady on a park bench, or be involved in lunch conversation. Imagine yourself surrounded by people yet totally cut off from interacting with them. It has always been/will be her problem to bear for the rest of her life.

My world is hearing, and activities involve such (for the most part) so I don't really know how to empathize with that. Nor is it easy to come up with things to do that we can each enjoy together.

Hey cityevader,

In any kind of healthy and successful relationship, most of us are aware that "communication" is most essential. If I may ask, what is your primary means of communication with your wife? Since you are hearing and your wife is deaf, I assume that you must be using American Sign Language as your primary means of communication?

The reason I ask is that my 2.5 year old daughter Rachel is "hearing impaired" in both ears since her birth. My wife and I had never had any insight into "deaf culture" until she was born. We can speak with her in quiet environments when we are close, but otherwise we use ASL. She will learn both languages (as will we) so that she may make her own choice of her most comfortable means of communication with society. We have learned how important that is to her development now and in the future.

I can't help but to wonder if the lack of any communication with others might play a major or even minor role in her overall depression?

Even though Rachel is only 2.5 years old, she has a VideoPhone that she can use to call her friends who are deaf, hard of hearing or hearing. Is this a possibility for your wife to use one? I know you said your finances (as well as most of us nowadays) are tight, but the VideoPhone can be attained free of charge to your wife since she is deaf.:thinking:

ctcfirearms

 

[cityevader]

I agree that socializing and communication are important.
She has videophone, but the one deaf friend that lives close by is a bit more on loser end of the scale and she can't stand her much. Neither one of us has any friends that we regularly hang out with. Me because I've never been social. Her because of lack of opportunity.

She was born totally deaf, had extensive speech therapy while young so she is able to talk. (this was to make it easier on the parents, who refused to learn sign) She lip reads, but learned from "white folks" in Montana, and here in the Bay Area Montana folks are hard to come by. On a good day she understands about 60% of what is said. Miss 40% of verbs and nouns in one sentence and it's hard to know what's going on.
With me, she might on a good day get about 80%.
My ASL is rather limited. Finger spelling is the worst for me to recognize for some reason.
My older donated computer died, and the newer donated one has Vista so my cd-rom set (fabulous learning tool) is no longer compatible. I had been improving slowly but surely previously. I need to find another donation of a computer with at most Windows Me. I've gone to several night classes at community college, but they only allowed me to go once and not repeat.

Needless to say, the pressure of communication lies mostly on her.
I've been convicted lately to really pursue the learning, as I'm sure this will help a great deal in our relationship.

She is neither a part of the deaf world nor hearing world. Although deaf, she has a hearing personality, and is often rejected by other deaf. She longs for the hearing world, but the hearing are so ignorant they don't even know the deaf exist, and make zero concessions. (I was/am part of that group to some degree even still...until I learn more and more.)

 

[LuxLuthor]

I miss the good old days where you would just club them over the head, drag them back to your cave and have at 'em.

 

[Mdinana]

The last two days have been sunny after about a month of off and on gloom, and we've enjoyed walking/riding/people watching, which is basically the same activities before and after marriage, and she looked happier... she's gloomy when weather is gloomy. Move? Can't imagine a place with better weather than San Jose though.

QUOTE]
IIRC, doesn't San Jose get pretty overcast in the winter? Might be a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder here.

But from what you're saying, it sounds like she might really be depressed - actually, I think dysphoria is "depression" lasting longer than 2 years. Certainly bring it up to the OB - this sort of thing puts her at higher risk for post-partum depression (which can be life-threatening to her or the child). Unfortunately, not a lot of drugs get used during pregnancy.

Also, if she finally does get a diagnosed depression-type disorder, for the love of God, don't think it's something you can cure or fix. Best theories so far is that it's a chemical imbalance of serotonin (and maybe norepinephrine) in the brain. It's NOT something you can do, not something she can "get over." That's like saying that you can fix Parkinson's Disease (which is nothing more than an imbalance of dopamine in the brain). The best you can do is be supportive, try to get her interactive, and ultimately realize that you do the best for her by putting in the effort, not whether or not you fail, to get her interacting.

It certainly seems that working on your ASL would help too. Maybe get your family involved? Work on ways to incorporate it - board games or charades or some sort of social function at your house where she can mingle. Don't think that you're the only one that she's allowed to form relationships with.

 

[gadget_lover]

San Jose has such a diverse population....
When you say depressed, it sounds more like she feels isolated.

A search for "bay area deaf" came up with "http://www.caldeaf.com/norcal/" as one of the top 10 results. Lots of things to do with other people, and not everything needing cash.

But the best suggestion was that you and your wife should actively find something that you can both do. The community college has a wide array of what I consider entertaining classes. Go through the online catalog to see of there is something that would interest both of you. Togetherness IS a keystone of a good marriage.

If she has problems reading your lips, then maybe a refresher course can help her to learn how to understand 'californian'.

And lastly, someone on this site will be able to tell you how to run your learning program using Vista. Theoretically, it does allow a 'compatibility mode' where it looks like XP or ME or whatever.

Good luck.

Daniel

 

[Icebreak]

Here's one. Art class. Maybe go with her a couple of times but this would be for her. It's an expressive outlet. Want to know how to get into a community art auction benefit for free? Be an artist. Want to know who determines what art is? The person that created it. If the creator thinks the image is evocative, it is.

She might find that she enjoys painting or sculpture or pottery or welding or glass blowing or jewelry making...making something. Find where local or semi-local auctions are held for charity.

Pay a little fee. Get some cool duds. Go to the benefits. Meet people. Do good things. And always carry a flashlight.

 

[cityevader]

One thing i really wish we would do more of is exercise. I may have read incorrectly but that raises seratonin levels? Building the bike lights helped a bit to get her out after work, but she's a bit sensitive to the cold. That can be remedied with proper clothing. But it's also a bit more boring at night.

As for the computer compatibility mode, it's a no-go.
During todays search for different cd-roms, (all of which only go up to Windows XP) I came across a customer's review that said he had it on three different computers with Vista and it works. Also the packaging was different than the online description, so suspected product was updated but description wasn't. It's worth ponying up $60 for sure.

Another thing about deaf people is that they're kinda "elitist" in terms of who is accepted in the deaf culture. To be "in" means a total rejection of the hearing world, which includes speaking and interacting with hearing. That is just a one-sentence paraphrase on my part for how it works. So my wife is caught between two worlds without fully participating in either....yeah, I'd say that's pretty isolating.

 

[flashfan]

Mdinana beat me to it, but I was going to suggest the possibility of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), too. On the "bright" side, there is a therapy that seems to help...and get this, it involves...light! I don't know what specific lights/characteristics are needed, but a search for SAD "cures" on the internet should provide a wealth of information.

I also concur with others who've recommended exercise. A must, I think. Also, check what kinds of foods you're eating. IIRC, on the news recently, different study results showed that there are particular foods that supposedly affect "happiness" and "depression."

Caveat: there are studies done on just about everything, and who knows what is true, false or just hype. I don't remember the specific foods mentioned, but as I recall, the bottom line was to eat healthy, fresh foods, and stay away from processed foods...as if we all didn't already know that.

Last but probably most important as others have recommended, discuss this with her doctor. He/she knows your wife's situation better than any of us, and should be able to make some suggestions for fighting off the blues.

Oh, one other thing, is your wife worried and/or preoccupied with something? Like work/job, health, finances, family members, etc.

Probably out of the question, especially with a baby on the way, but I'll throw it out anyway. How about a pet? Doesn't necessarily have to be a dog or cat, maybe even a couple of goldfish?

 

[cityevader]

Actually, I do have a six pack of 2 foot flourescent bulbs that I had planned on using for a winter lightbox. They are specifically made for sunlight replication for S.A.D. but I'd packed them away because I couldn't readily find lamps for them. I'll have to retry that.

As far as food goes, I've recently started dieting as I could certainly loose 30 pounds to get back into a targeted 170lbs, 6 ft. She could also loose a good 20 pounds...anyway, I've stopped making all the good stuff (I'm the cook) and have gone to a mostly fruit diet (smoothie blender) and Endemame dry roasted soybeans. Hopefully that will be proper enough? She currently has some strange food aversions of things she used to love, so we're still figuring that out.

I'd love to get a dog. She's a cat person and has one.

And yeah, she absolutely hates her job, but that's where the health insurance comes from. And being deaf, there is a supreme limit to what is available and who would actually hire a deaf person.

 

[Jethro]

I miss the good old days where you would just club them over the head, drag them back to your cave and have at 'em.

You mean, like last weekend?

 

[Apollo Cree]

My older donated computer died, and the newer donated one has Vista so my cd-rom set (fabulous learning tool) is no longer compatible.

What do you mean "cd-rom set?"

Was this some sort of ASL training disk?

It may be beyond your computer skills, but in theory, you can install "VirtualBox" on your Vista PC, and run Windows ME within a "virtual machine" within your Vista machine. Whether your "cd-rom set" will run under a WinME virtual machine would be a matter for experimentation.

Perhaps she could get into various kinds of social networking via the computer. Even something as simple as e-mail could be a great tool. A live person-to-person chat like AIM could be very useful. Heck, the two of you might even find it useful when you're in the same place with two computers. There are also much fancier social networking tools on the interwebs.

Remember, on the internet no one knows you're deaf.

How about cell phone texting? Is she into that?

 

[cityevader]

Cd rom... software is installed, then eight cd's is used to access a huge library of interactive video to learn sign language.

My computer skills are saying "duh, what?" I've no idea about virtual boxes....but I did order another set of cd-roms from a different manufacturer. Description says up to XP, but a user's review said it works fine with Vista, so I went ahead and ordered it.

As far as the Mrs, she certainly can run the gamut of all modern electronic communication, but she craves more real interaction, not virtual. She had the day off today and had lunch with my Mom (mostly retired who is absolutely dying for a first grandkid). The wife enjoyed herself. After the baby comes there will be more interaction than she can handle I bet!

 

[Apollo Cree]

If you get sufficiently desperate, I'll give you more info on virtualbox and installing Windows ME.

It sounds like it's probably not worth the effort for your level of computer geekiness.

VirtualBox http://www.virtualbox.org/ is a program you run that lets your create a "virtual PC" running on the PC you have. You can run Windows, Linux, or other operating systems in this virtual PC window while still running your Windows Vista programs at the same time. It's like having another PC in a window. Works great with some limitations.

Windows ME is sufficiently old that it may not run as well as a later version of Windows under VirtualBox, but it will run. Whether your software will run on WinME under VirtualBox is another question. If it does anything too weird, especially copy protection or weird video stuff, it might not work.